Monday, June 29, 2009

From Old Blog~ Entry5

As a Christian teenager, the obstacles of persecution and acceptance seem to control my life. It's bad enough that I am a Christian, but I ALSO follow the Old Testament laws, which makes me now a "fraud". Knowing my Jewish friends despise my faith and my Christian ones think I take it too seriously, I tend to clam up and try to make all religious talk humorous. I try to keep my head afloat, to be accepted, in my group of peers, but sometimes this constant struggle tires me out.

I went to a party last night at my friend's house and as I approached the door, my host hugged me and welcomed me. I was very excited to enter until mid-embrace, he whispers "Too bad your religious is crazy". Out of nowhere. I was so hurt by this comment, but I tried to lighten the mood, like I always do; however I have come to realize that by doing so, they have a greater disrespect for my beliefs and devotion...since I tried to play it off to appease their comfort levels and "keep the peace", I have shamed YHVH in their eyes. I am kind of writing this with a heavy heart full of shame at the moment. I've realized the impurity I exhibit with my friends, the fights my faith creates, the way I present's so ungodly and frankly disgusting. I am thankful I have be shown this downfall in my character and that it has come as my high school career has ended. I so desperately need college and the chance it brings to reinvent myself. How can I glorify YHVH and his power when my own tongue is lukewarm in the face of opposition? Acceptance truly is not a path Christians can take, and although I have read this in the Bible, it's been so hard for me to accept. I love my friends and knowing they utterly despise my faith hurts; in every sense of the word. I cannot participate in all the activities they do, if it violates my faith, and to them, my absence is a "diss". They can't understand why I allow religion to hold me back in all the "fun" that's in this world...and sometimes I feel so alienated, I wonder that myself. I feel like I am perpetually in a state of "What if I am wrong? what am I missing out on?" Not much to tell you the truth, but when it comes to bonding, it means the world.

My town lacks lacks religion entirely. I believe I have known a handful of truly religious people in my life, but absolutely no Christians who practice my way...the way of Yeshua. I remember one day this week I was sitting in lunch and my friend asked me if I thought he was immoral. I hesitated, and he elaborated asking if his premarital sex was wrong, in my opinion. Naturally I said yes, that in the Bible that is not permissible and I did not take said behavior to be "moral" and acceptable in my own life. To my surprise the entire group attacked me. I honestly answered an OPINION question and that angered them so much. I'll never forget looking down the table and seeing another one of my close friends, the one who took me to my senior prom, yell down for me to shut my mouth and let people have their own ideas; that my way was not universally correct and therefore was not appreciated being made known. Somehow it was my fault the topic started, because Christians "always instigate" these issues. His face was so full of rage, until the friend who posed the question assured him he started it. He immediately backed down, but the damage was done. I saw how fast people forsake their own God...this boy was a self proclaimed Catholic, and yet he would rather conform his ideas to society than stand up for YHVH and his commands.

This was persecution
. It happens so often in my life I have never understood, but I have, am, and will suffer for my allegiance to Yeshua. I will never be tolerated: not by my friends, my family, my country, or the world. I think my faith threatens people in a way. They see my strict lifestyle and it scares them...that they aren't fulfilling the shoes YHVH layed out for them. I pity that. And I pray for them every night. I am so grateful that I have this burden, Baruch HaShem for my struggles, my triumphs, and my strength. It is no easy job being a follower of the One True God, but man is it worth it! He renews us every day; we are definately one of the most resilient people the world will ever see.

From Old Blog~ Entry 4

Ok so I haven't been as active as I would like, but the end of the school year is taking a real toll on me. I had what I thought was the worst week of senior year last week. I won my government class final exam with my group- which meant I had to present my winning bill on Thursday, along with 9 other groups, at the entire senior class assembly. Our bill was about ending affirmative action in college admissions and I was sooo nervous that I would have to speak in front of such a large group. I also had senior prom to worry about because I was dreading walking in heels all night, walking across the stage for "walk-ins", and dancing with my date. I also was nervous that his whole family would come to my house to take pictures like they did last year for my friend. It's tradition to ride with your date and his family to the prom; another milestone I was not anxious to take on. I had originally decided not to go at all to avoid all the immodest dress and dancing, but my friend asked me and I didn't want to let him down.

As I sat in the assembly, awaiting my turn to speak, I took a deep breath and just prayed to Adonai to keep me calm as I spoke, but he didn't just calm my nerves, he blessed me more than I could ask for! My trust, the godly trait I have been working on for some time now, was rewarded ten fold! I never had to present at all! The assembly ran out of time right before I was up to present. I couldn't believe my luck; I simply had to send him my worries and trust...He was just so generous.

With one worry down, I prepared for the real test of the week; the prom. Getting my hair done was the least of my worries, but I still had the looming fear to face while I spent an hour getting beautified. When I finally got home and put my dress on, my date arrived and I noticed it was just him and his mom. Things were peculiarly going my way. Then after pictures in my yard, the time had come to ride with him and his mom alone, dun dun dun! BUT! YHVH I am convinced, intervened. His mother asked if my mom would ride with us to my girlfriend's house where we would take pictures with the 15 other couples. I had a safety net! Needless to say, He provided, and plenty more than I prayed for! I did not trip once, despite the extremely long length of my dress, walk-ins were a breeze (and my french teacher greeted my date and I at the door with his spanish teacher; they gushed at how great we were in our foreign languages and how nice we looked! haha) I danced, but not provacatively, and believe it or not, I had fun! I did go home after prom; I don't think a two night sleepover was such a grand idea. Better safe at home than sorry! and anyways, I had my brother's 16th birthday party to attend to!

Sometimes I notice how vastly different I am compared to my peers at school and prom weekend was one of those times. I see all the drunken parties, fornication, immodest behavior and dress...and I wonder why I am the way I am. I know God has set me apart from this debauchery, but why I am I the only one out of 400 kids? Am I too conservative/extreme? or is the rest of the teenage population way lost? That's one reason I can't wait for college...I need to find some more like minded friends; friends who strive for nothing but the pleasure and glorification of YHVH!

Praise Elohim for my safe, fun, and educational week(end) :)

From Old Blog~ Entry 3

Last Monday a classmate of mine died in a tragic accident. I barely knew him and only had classes with him in elementary school. When I got to school Tuesday and learned of his drowning, I was deeply saddened. I could not figure out why I was so affected by it, perhaps it was the freak spontaneity of it all. But by Friday I knew that I was scared for myself. His death was a wake up call. Life is so short, so fragile, that taking a mere moment for granted is insane. It reminded me of when I fell a couple weeks ago and I had a deep bleeding gash from a little trip! It made me realize how human our bodies are...we have this idea that we're immortal and indestructible, but in reality, we are what YHVH says we are. We are weak, we are vulnerable, and not a day is promised to us because we are sinners. Facing this was like a giant blow to the heart. It made me question if God has a plan for me at all...what am I doing here? what if I am not living up to the purpose he intended me to have? and what if I am next? What does he need me here for; everyday I mess up and sin against his Torah. Sometimes I forget to repent or don't even notice I am sinning.

Adonai has been pruning me a lot lately and I can't help but feel that this death has a purpose in my transformation as a Christian. He's been putting me in situations where I need to trust him, something I am terrible at. Relinquishing control of my life is so hard, but it is so essential in our walk with YHVH. I need to let go of this fear of death, after all, isn't death what unites us with our Creator? But I can't help but feel like I have so much to offer this world, so much comfort I can give, so many tears I can wipe away, and so much love, the Gospel itself, I need to spread. I am perfectly healthy, so technically I have nothing to worry about, but none of us know when YHVH will call us back. How can I accept the fact that I have no control over my life? I don't know yet, but this just proves to me how blind our walk with YHVH is. And that is how he wants it; he wants us to cling to him in everything we do... As if we are all trapped in a pitch black cave where the only safety and security we have is in his all powerful hand.

So I guess the point of this post is to trust in Him and to never forget the miracles we have recieved in the past. My classmate died on Memorial Day, a day we remember the efforts of our past. This is something YHVH commands of us, to remember him and the blessings he has given and will always give his children. His commands are shown in the feasts of the OT. Each year we commemorate Adonai's faithfulness, which he has shown throughout the generations. So don't be afriad to trust in him, even when the path is completely dark.

From Old Blog~ Entry 2 "From YHVH with Love"

I found this quote on a website and it truly touched me. It is the epitome of my ongoing current struggle and the words just comfort my soul. So I shall share it with you! :)

I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is you satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me--exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing--one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you--just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things--keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things that I tell you--you must wait.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up at me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And, then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know I love you utterly. I am almighty. Believe and be satisfied.
- Unknown Author

From Old Blog~Entry 1

God's Leading Hand.

Ok so I previously started my blog on a very narrow minded path. I basically had it set in my brain that I knew what and where God wanted me to be, and these past couple months have been a very trying period for me. The Lord has been truly tugging at my heart and speaking to my stubborn pride. I feel truly ashamed for the comments I made about traditions and certain forms of worship because the fact of the matter is, I am new to this journey, Christ has been working with me, slowly, but surely. So let me start again and give a recap of what I have been up to.

My journey to God has been a long one coming. I tapped into my spirituality about 3 years ago and came to Christianity about 2 years ago. I originally found Christ in a Hebraic Christian sense, I kept kosher (still do actually, I need much work in this area), celebrated the OT feasts, and kept away from all things pagan (including xmas, easter, many christian traditions). Then a friend of mine introduced me to Protestantism and the Duggar family on TLC. I fell in love with the faith the family has and the values their children display! I thought God must surely be in their house...they must be doing something right. However, I didn't realize that there are Christians in every denomination that are doing "something right". I most of all was shunning my roots, the Roman Catholic Church.

This winter, a power outage hit my town and I was without cable and heat/electricity for 3 days. During that time I stayed with my grandmother, a devout Catholic, and was stuck reading her books and magazines for the duration of my stay. I found out how little I knew about the church and her traditions...there is so much I still don't understand, but I am now seeing that the "evil" i once saw, was ignorance. The RCC isn't the whore of Babylon, nor is she pagan, or and evil polytheistic deception used by Satan. She is the largest Christian body in the world...that alone speaks volumes of God's plan with the Church.

On a smaller note, I recently had a public speaking engagement for school I was nervous about. I kept telling myself I would fail without God's help and that I needed to trust in him for strength and courage. I didn't think relying on Him would be so hard, but to be able to relinquish all of your self and fully trust in the Lord is difficult! Especially when so much is on the line and relying on God alone can seem risky...from the small human mind that is haha. It showed me how much I have left to learn. Look at Mary, she trusted in God, she said yes to him, when her society would surely hate her. We need to all have that unhesitant trust!! My speech fell on Purim this year, and also, my driver's test was on Rosh Hashannah of 2008. Both were instances where I had to give my worries up to God and relieve myself of all hard as it was...I succeeded with both! Glory be unto the Lord. Now my question is..were the holidays a coincidence?

Now I am taking my faith slowly. I don't want to be perpetually switching gears, I want to settle down with the truth, whatever God reveals to me. Whether that be a Hebraic faith or one rooted in my blood for thousands of years (RCC). I'm going to relinquish my plans, my desires, my temptations, and simply seek him and his glorious love. Pray for me brothers and sisters, and I promise...for real...I will document my progress, trials, and revelations here, as a testimony to the Lord and to remind myself where "it all started" ;)

Many blessings and great shalom~