Friday, December 25, 2009

Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

I hope you all are having an amazing and blessed Christmas day! (And a nice day in general to the non-Christians and the non-Christmas Christians.) I was looking forward to just giving my family their gifts to show how appreciative I was for all they have done for me this year and visiting with the extended family. However my greatest joy came from spending time in meditation with the Lord Himself. In mass yesterday I had such a hard time concentrating with all the children running around and crying, the priest was almost yelling into his microphone. But when I just looked to the ground, listened closely to the words being spoken, and thought about the meaning and importance of this day, the memorial of the birth of Christ over 2,000 years ago, I was filled with emotion. I was worried I had lost that spark that I had had when I was a young child meditating on the birth of Yeshua, but YHVH has blessed me still and allowed me to know Him with the faith of a trusting child. Christ, though His birth occurred on whatever day thousands of years ago is still present to each and every Christian .

It is important to observe, or at least ponder, because God has given us this great miracle and mystery. I was thinking in Church that there was once a tiny baby that was fully human and fully divine...did he have thoughts that normal babies don't have? Did he have the mind of God? No...he couldn't...he was experiencing a fully human life. But then how does that make sense? Does that disprove the faith althogether because so many people leave Christianity for this very reason. "I never understood the trinity or Jesus and so I found this faith that laid it all out EASILY and I UNDERSTOOD it 100%!" While I think God wants us to know Him...He doesn't give us ALL the answers. There are some things we don't's a mystery...and that's ok because that is how He created it. Do you actually think us humans, who have barely scratched the surface of science and the physical world and it's components, can fully comprehend the Creator Himself? Do you really think faith can be fully understood by our limited minds? No way! Not in a million years! ;)

I am finally at peace with not being able to explain all the mysteries of the Lord. They are called mysteries for a reason, and our time in the rosary gives us a chance to ponder and glorify God for being so complex. Our inability to understand forces us to trust in Him and his creation and His entire plan in our lives. We cannot understand ourselves, we need Him. So when you celebrate today, and perhaps up until the Epiphany, think of that child born in a manger in Bethlehem and how much of a conundrum His tiny life was and still is. (I get teary eyed just writing this! baruch HaShem :D) Thank and glorify God for allowing you to "get it", but not totally. Praise Him for coming to us and allowing us to receive Him! And Honor Him for loving us so much that He would eventually suffer incomprehensible pain and sacrifice His pure blood for sinners. Glory be to YHVH!

*Merry Christmas and Bon Anniversaire Jesu
Many blessings to each reader :)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

College Woes

College...well more specifically my choice of college, has been weighing on my heart lately. I go to a state school so you can already guess my situation. The price is so great, more than half of what my friends are paying in tuition. I also ADORE my school education-wise. My teachers are all very accessible, the classes are small, the town is cute, and the campus is pretty. But I am immensely unhappy and I think I may be developing some sort of depression or anxiety problem. (I'm so ashamed to admit that) My semester started off great as people were friendly, there was no cattiness, no hurtful words, or sinful pressures. Then about a month in, about the time everyone became comfortable being their true selves and saying what was on their minds, everything fell apart. I remember the night it happened vividly because my "best friend" at school flipped out of no where and melted down in a fit of rage screaming/slamming doors. I crouched on the floor late that night and called my mom for advice. I had never seen anyone act like that, especially around people you have only known for a month or so. (I'm not saying people don't breakdown...I have had more than one bad fight with my mom...but anyway) After a mere 5-10 minutes I was crying and just begging to come home.

I felt I couldn't trust anyone and I noticed I hadn't been able to be my true self either. Coming into school I planned to take my faith to the next level where I figured people wouldn't judge me or feel uncomfortable with my headcoverings and daily spiritual expression. I thought I would meet tons of new people: both Christian and non and the world was going to be full of great opportunities. But this dream was soon to be shattered. Not only were the non-Christian people hard to tolerate, but the Catholic kids were just as bad. When I covered my hair, my room mates told me I looked like quote "a black girl covering her weave." When I went to church, people refused to shake my hand, children threw the hymnals and one even jumped on it in the middle of the aisle. When I prayed my rosary, people would laugh and tell me I was way over the top and one reminisced saying "wow back when I was crazy I prayed the rosary everyday, sometimes up to 3 times!" When I went to the Catholic Ministry party my drink was spiked and everyone was focused on dancing, getting drunk, and singing trashy music.

You may think I'm over exaggerating, but I have joined religious and nonreligious clubs, reached out to many many people, tried changing my already changed version of myself to fit in better...and nothing is working. A few weeks ago over Thanksgiving break, I reunited with my high school friends and I couldn't wait to see if any of them had the same problems as I did, but none of them did, they were all having a great time. What hurt the most was hearing how much fun my friend Ben* was having. He is going to the Jesuit school I almost decided to attend. My decision was down to my school and his school. I had received a very generous scholarship from the jesuit college, but the price was still quite a bit higher than the state school tuition and since my parents are paying for my education I thought the state school was a better choice. My reasoning was that I can find good Christian friends anywhere, I can avoid the partying and the sinful natures, and that saving the money is much more practical since I want to be a teacher. Why waste 10k more a semester for the same career options?

I go online and I see Ben's* pictures at school and how he and his friends are having good CLEAN fun. Apparently the students all have mass and they party sans alcohol and drugs. I hate to say how envious I really am. That is the experience I am craving, what I thought I could find at my own school if I looked hard enough. If I decided to transfer schools, I would only recieve a fraction of my previous scholarship. Not to mention it's a farther drive. I feel like I am stuck...stuck in a situation I had prayed over night after night. I thought God was guiding me to this school as opposed to the jesuit school, but now I feel like I was so far off base. How could God have ever wanted me here? Not only am I miserable, but I can feel my faith dying everyday. I don't know if it's the stress or all the opposition...but I went from being so on fire for God and my faith to the complete opposite. Now that I am home, I'm trying to pick up my old habits like the rosary and bible reading, but now I have the anxieties here that I had at school. I'm deathly afraid of people walking in on my when I pray or when I watch/listen to religious media. I fear having to go back next month.

I thought I was so much stronger than this and that's why I am so angry with myself. I'm upset I let myself cave under the pressures and I'm confused as to why I can't find one religious friend here who DOESN'T go out every night partying. I want to meet someone who's faith is more than a label. I only need one! So why do I feel like God is holding back from me? What is my purpose here? Do I even have one or was is a huge mistake? One that really can't be fixed now due to finances...I know my mom would make the sacrifice for me, but that's not fair to her. Plus I love the school...I just cannot stand the people and the social aspect. I was watching the videos on the Duggar's TLC page and there was one on Erin Bates who is attending college now...and she picked a school based on Christian principals. I can't help but think I went about this all wrong. Maybe my choice wasn't God focused and now I'm seeing the effects of that.

I'm going to go hit the Word hard now, so I'll try to post something more faith centered next time. I'm so sorry for unloading this here, but I have no where else to really document and vent my unhappiness without affecting my family & friends. I'm so grateful I am getting an amazing education...I just wish I could avoid the people who bring me down more easily and find some uplifting ones. :(
Please keep my in your prayer that I may find guidance.

Duggar Update

I have read that little Josie is still pulling through. Michelle's sister I believe says she is holding down milk and is in stable condition. Praise YHVH :)

I'll be posting again either today or tomorrow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Prayers for Josie Duggar

Michelle Duggar had gallbladder complications this week and was rushed to the hospital. Reports said all was well with her and her baby until last night when she needed an emergency c-section. Their daughter, Josie Brooklyn, wasn't due until the spring and only weighs 1 lb 6 oz. Please keep the Duggar family in your prayers even if you disapprove of their lifestyle. This must be such a scary time for them, but I'm sure with much prayer and support YHVH will bless & help them through.

I absolutely adore the family and their amazing trust in the Lord. They've been such an encouragement to my faith, especially during times when friends and family have criticized my journey. So once more, please keep the Duggars and little Josie in your prayers.

Thank you all~
Peace always,

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Norwegian Christmas

I just finished watching this video on Crienexzy's channel:

I loved it! It's so hard to find videos on Norway and her channel focuses on all aspects of the culture through fresh young eyes :) This video made me very curious to try Gløgg...I see I can order it from some super markets, but I don't know...I've only ever bought straight from the grocery store, I don't think it'll be worth getting it mailed? lol but has anyone ever tried it? She says you can make it with wine (which I thought it was...just hot wine, but apparently not), vodka, or water (which she reccomends) I normally only get as festive as hot chocolate in my holiday drink choice...perhaps it's time to try something new!

No Inspiration

I have been blissfully enjoying the advent/christmas preparation themed blogs this past week! I have been burried beneath pounds and layers of homework as finals are approaching and the semester is a day from ending, and they have given me a reason to take a break ;) Does anyone reading have any advent traditions or prayers/ways in which they keep themselves focused on YHVH during this season? I'd love to hear :)

With the encouraging blogs and commentary comes the bad...I've been in contact with old Messianic friends who are disgusted I am doing Christmas this year. I have also read some blogs that "don't mean to offend" but are frankly condemning Christmas celebrators to hell. It was that kind of blogging/videos that used to guilt me into feeling ashamed of loving Christmas, even if it was a completely spiritual event. Why is this a problem? Why are we not allowed to celebrate and glorify God on December 25th? If I am not mistaken....YHVH created that day. Christians always encourage each other to praise God each and everyday without ceasing...yet it's suddenly a horrendous act on this date. I just feel that something that brings me closer to God cannot be a bad thing. Following the OT laws cannot save me, only my faith and devotion to Yeshua.

Well I gotta get back to the ole' grind...homework and studying...while I watch the specials on ABC family :D
Have a blessed week everyone!