Monday, February 22, 2010

I need some ADVENTURE!

So this weekend's past events made me realize I need to find some better middle ground. I have really restricted myself fun-wise and so I gave in and went the extreme opposite of going to a party. Going to a party itself is not bad, but after some time there, there were definitely temptations of the mind and body happenin'. Thus I know it will not be right for me to return, not only will I allow myself to be weakened, but the guys (sorry guys) around me think I want them to make advances due to the atmosphere.

However, going gave me a rush. Some parts of it gave me flashbacks of my life before I became a Christian, where that rush of fun happened often (not everything was sinful either). That slight feeling of danger, of living life to its fullest...those are memories and experiences that can never be replaced. I still have them to this day after years of being shoved away in a closet. But my dilemma is how to unleash that excitement and sense of adventure, without crossing moral boundaries.

I want to live each day to its can I inject some "fun juice" into my life? I guess I am so worried about this because (well for one, I was berated for not loosening up at the party and extensive thought made me wonder if I really am just dull...) when I was asked recently "what do you do for you? for fun?" All I could think of was that I like to maybe...crochet?...but that really isn't who I am and who I have been before. I feel like I am closing myself off from my true self by trying to conform to how I think I should act and compose myself. But then again, does God want me to conform this way? Am I supposed to abandon the past completely and forget about the person I once was? Sometimes I think maybe the reason I get so down so fast is that I am living in a body...or a way...that is not my own and by not being true to myself and what/who I am and love, I'm slowly losing my passion and love for life itself. I'm just going through the motions.

So I guess, to what extent should I cut myself off from the world? I don't want to keep going down this road...with no sense of true happiness and excitement and then look back on my youth and wish I had used it differently. I don't want to be a predictable person or marry a predictable man and live in a perfect little predictable town. I want everyday to be new and be an adventure truly worth living.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Promised Post

Ok so I promised a post on my first Ash Wednesday a few days ago...and due to recent events and much unwanted school work I haven't been able to sit down and write it. This is five of Lent? It feels like it has been a month! So here it goes...

Ash Wednesday
I start off my day early so I can go to mass and receive my ashes. My two room mates, who claim to be "Catholic", told me to wake them up so they could come. I do. No response, no movement. I get ready and 10 minutes before I should be out the door, I see one of them make their way to the bathroom. My anger subsides a little, relieved that at least ONE of them is taking this day SOMEWHAT seriously...but unfortunately she was just getting up to facebook. I asked her why she wasn't coming...this was an important mass, and she tells me she doesn't even go to Christmas mass, so why bother today? So I leave. STEAMING at her total disrespect, but as soon as I enter church and kneel down to pray, my anger just slips away and I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I recieve my ashes and I sit wondering what mine look like (they looked like a smudge of dirt lol) and I tried to focus on forgiveness and repentence at mass. I loved the solemnity and the lack of music...quite appropriate. As I re-enter my dorm, I am greeted with sheer ANGER by my room mate who is completely dumbfounded as to why I didn't answer my phone and why I "left without her". Seriously, it happened. I thought it was a joke, but nope...she was far from kidding around. She just walked right back into her room in a huff and doesn't emerge for about an hour. During this period I am just struggling with understanding the situation, trying to rely on God for an answer...some guidance. Should I have been late for church to try and have persuaded her more? Should I have answered my phone in church for HER just because she couldn't wake up and decide if she even wanted to be there? I knew the answer was what was with this attitude? She apologized later, but it was more for keeping the peace than her acknowledging she over reacted and made the mistake herself. Aside from this incident, fasting was hard. I had a test the next day and I could not was like all I could think about were the hunger pains. And to top it off, the time I went for my 1 meal, the dining hall did not have any real food out because they stopped serving lunch and didn't have dinner ready. So I don't know if I splurged on smaller foods or not...but I had to eat something. It was a day full of obstacles.

The following days were somewhat low key...and if anything, I was for once enjoying school. I did face much temptations with all the desserts around and facebook being a click away...but I resisted. Until last night when everything got a little ridiculous. Most of my dorm mates left this weekend so there was only 3 in total here (myself included) and the 2 other girls were going to this "birthday party" and wanted me to experience my first college party in a lower key setting. I really struggled, trying to say no, but I felt obligated (it's a long story as to why, but I was basically in a position to go to the party or look like a jerk.) So I went. It wasn't bad for the first hour, no pressure to drink (which I didn't!!) and not too crowded. But as time went on, more people came, more beer was flowing, the band was too much. Literally, I kid you not, the singer of the band said "It's college, I want to see you make mistakes, get drunk, get pregnant." Umm...oooook pal. I asked to go home and my room mates took me back and they said they were happy I tried it, even if I didn't like it. LIE.

The next morning at breakfast, they said how they wanted me to party more, how I didn't mingle enough, I seemed like a "pretty bitch" at the party just standing in the corner not doing anything...and on and on and on until the question of the cookie came up. It's Sunday and technically I can have dessert today and so they asked why I wasn't eating my cookie. I said I had church in an hour and I needed to stop eating so I could get communion. That's just how it's always been at my house, we don't eat before church for sunday morning mass, and if it's a later mass, you cannot eat for an hour before. Even my friend's mom enforced this at her house during sleepovers when we were just 10 year olds. Well this just didn't sit well with them. In fact, it set them over the edge, and they crossed the line. "There's a point where you can be religious, but that is just too weird and too over religious. God doesn't care what you do, He wants you to have the cookie" I just sat there, trying so hard to bite my tongue while she just chewed my ear off. I felt truly ganged up upon, not only were they telling me my faith was stupid, almost to the point of a mental disease, but I was also being asked to give up one of my lenten sacrifices because "I have too many". Apparently, according to this religious genius, during Lent, God limits you to 1 sacrifice.

As soon as I could, I up and left, and went off to church 20 minutes early. As soon as I got in that pew I could feel the tears coming and I felt like such an idiot. I didn't want to make a scene in church, but all my stress just overtook me. As soon as school became fun, it was taken away and I wanted to pack up and leave again. I didn't want to go to another party, I didn't want to hear people tell me my faith and my lifestyle were ludacris, and I didn't want to be in a school full of people who hate all that I live for. The preists words today were so perfectly relevent to my situation. He taught how Jesus was tempted for 40 days and His hardships were His alone, He had no one to soothe Him. He asked us, "what if Jesus had given in? What if He had aborted His mission and fled because it was all too much for Him to bear?" The preist reminded us that we will feel this way all of our lives, despite vocation, location, etc. But if we choose to give in, Satan's won. I just had to thank God for sending me this message at the time He did...a time where it meant the most. I wanted so badly to flee, but I can't. I'm here for some reason...a reason I wish I knew now, but I will in time, and if I give up, I've lost. He needs me to be strong so He can use me and I'm going to do my best, but even that won't be good enough. I need His grace, strength, and guidance to get me through not only this semester, but the next 3 years. Hopefully by then, I'll have a much thicker skin.

I hope you all are having a spiritually enriching Lent so far,
and if you find yourself struggling, just think of how much
God is teaching you through this season,
I'll be praying for you all, so don't give up & don't flee.
You have a mission to carry out.
Blessings Always,

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Mortal Sins

Today was kind of a failure for me. Not the the entire morning or the afternoon...but around now. I'll post later on how my first Ash Wednesday went, but for now my heart is burdened & needs some answers.

I've been so low energy from fasting today that I have been falling asleep a lot...and I have had some completely disturbing dreams. I was so monstrous in these dreams I cannot even explain...sinning in almost every way possible. When I woke up relief washed over me when I realized it was just a dream. I've also been trying to control my thoughts recently which has been a spiritual battle ground and it's like I am living in a world of sin all in my mind and subconscious. Then tonight I just caved & sinned...completely deliberate. I knew it was wrong & I still went through with it. And as a result I am so unbelievably ashamed.

I have a test tomorrow and should be studying like crazy, but I cannot get my mind off how weak I was spiritually and how I let myself intentionally sin against God on a HOLY DAY! It's been all around a bad day & a day of testing (which I'll explain tomorrow in my Ash Wednesday post) and I thought I deserved a "break" (in my twisted mentality at the time). God forgives right?

Well apparently not in the RCC.
I went online and searched mortal sins and the list was endless. I am guilty of probably a good lot of them and apparently if you die without confessing these sins to a priest, you do not go to heaven. What the heck? What happens to asking for forgiveness & being forgiven? I am all for the sacrament of reconciliation, but if I were to die tomorrow, unable to get to a priest to forgive my sin from today...and the slew from the past...I would go to hell?

I'm really struggling with this. What are your takes on it?
Blessings always,
your 100% human, sinner at heart,

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

AHHH! I Have the Butterfliesss!

So here I am, done with classes for the day, laying in bed, not feeling well, completely exhausted from lack of sleep...and I cannot take my mind off of tomorrow.

This will be the first year I receive my ashes on Ash Wednesday...everyone I've told has been shocked to hear that. Even my nonreligious friends have gotten them. But for some reason my mom never took my brother or I. (I guess because we had school?) I don't know...but I do know that now that I am on my own & have "the time" I am going to go to mass and participate in this day. It's such a mix of emotions. On one hand I am so excited, and then on the other I am nervous because of the forwardness of this silent sign that sits on our foreheads. I am pretty sure I'll get looks, as I attend a very liberal school. It's the unexpectedness that scares me...will there be negative reactions? jokes? disrespect? Or maybe people will just think I got a smudge on my head and laugh to themselves.

I am not afraid of these possible reactions, just uneasy by the unfamiliarity. I imagine the feeling will be similar to wearing a head covering or hijab in public. That's always an awkward place to be- ALL EYES ARE ON YOU! I am such a shy person and I hate being in the spotlight, but I'm sure Jesus didn't want His spotlight either...being the butt of people's jokes and suffering public humiliation and torture. While being an oddity may feel like pain & torture tomorrow, it compares not an ounce to what Christ suffered for me. That's why I am partially excited and looking forward to it...I want to wear them, be distinguished as a Catholic, and stand up for my Savior to the world who rejects Him like He will stand up to the Father in my denfense on Judgement Day. It'll be interesting...I'll keep you posted on how it goes ;)


And to touch back on Lent, I have pretty much devised my sacrifices.
They Include:
  • No facebook (eek! rip my heart out! haha but I do waste too many hours on there)
  • Limiting tv to 1 show a day, I need to spend more time in the Word and not mindlessly watching tv
  • No desserts.
  • Working more on my new year's resolution to stop swearing & cleanse my heart of impurities (like the ones I listed in my Purity Challenge Post) like anger, gossip, pride, vanity, etc. & work on forgiving more.
  • And I want to use my time that I gain from my above sacrifices to put toward my spiritual and physical health. I plan to do the rosary more, aiming for 3 times a week, keep up with my Bible-in-a-year readings, and to attend Church every Sunday. I also want to continue working out 3 times a week, I have been lax with my health in the past and I really need to take care of this body, this temple, I have been lent by God. (ties in with no desserts...I need to learn & practice moderation!)
So that's about looks like a lot, but really it's minor changes in my life that I feel will be useful even past lent. Of course dessert will come back haha but it's the training that I do not need "treats", I can forgo the luxuries of life because I have the greatest luxury, that of eternal life.

I hope this Lenten season will be productive and enlightening, I wish you all the best with your sacrifices and lives in general. May God bless you this Lent and give you the strength to follow through with your sacrfices in preparation for His death & ressurection!

Love & peace always,

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Heart's Desire

I was reading some "success stories" on a Catholic website tonight where Catholic singles found each other online and then...well duh got married. It's Valentine's Day so you know, it's cute to see how the Lord has brought together so many people, strong in their faith, through semi-unconventional means (the computer). Anyways, one of the stories focused on an engagement that took place during Adoration.

I had heard of this before, but I've never been to one. I had to look up the definition and everything to fully understand the beauty of the story. But after reading it, I feel a deep desire...a strong need to go to Adoration. It's so hard to describe...I just feel my heart and soul need this, they've been missing out.

I'm going to check my church's website, but when does Adoration usually occur? Is it weekly? monthly? daily? I feel like such an amateur not knowing the ins & outs of such a simple tradition.

On the website it says:

"Perpetual Adoration" is Eucharistic Adoration round the clock (that is, twenty-four hours a day). A "Holy Hour" is "Eucharistic Adoration of Reparation" which lasts for about an hour.

Adoration ceremonies traditionally include Scripture readings, hymns, prayers and time for silent adoration."

So there are different kinds? I wish it went into more detail about it...if anyone knows the details about these two, please fill me in! Thanks :)

Also!! Is the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament the same thing as Adoration?

Blessings Always~

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


As we all know Lent is around the corner. I'm very excited because this year I want to do it right. The only Lent I can ever remember being somewhat meaningful was when I was in the 4th grade. I gave up ice cream. I knew Lent was a way in which we could try, pathetically, to understand Jesus' sacrifice and temptation in the desert. Now I was an ice cream fiend, but I was not prepared for what was to come.

School was never a place where we had "parties"(except birthdays...but rarely) and my 4th grade teacher was the most serious teacher I ever you could only imagine my surprise when she planned an ice cream party out of the blue. I had kids literally in my face saying "don't you want some? mmm it's so good!" I cried. hahaha. And my mom kept forgetting my lenten sacrifice as well because she kept taking my brother and I out to Stewarts (and she never usually did) all throughout Lent. But I will always remember that year because I was thrown curveball after curveball...and if memory serves me right...I endured great suffering, IMMENSE temptation, and came out with a sense of pride. I did this for God and He saw my suffering.

Now that I am older...I don't know if I want to just give up food/material things. I could easily give up desserts (I only eat around 1 small dessert a day, sometimes if any), I could give up tv (but all I really watch are encouraging Christian shows like EWTN, the Duggars, 700 Club, Kirk Cameron...and here at school...I need an outlet for entertainment since I spend weekends alone.)

What about trying to work on myself? Like trying to focus on controlling my try to not complain or curse...(I really need to let that go! For some reason it just sprouted here at school) Or maybe try to do Bible devotions each day or a rosary each day...something that will carry over PAST Lent. Something I can say, I did this for God and will continue to do for Him. I feel like I won't get that extreme sense of pride/relief at the end of Lent though that I did with the ice cream year. But then again I want this season to bring my whole being closer to God, not just suffer and go without...or should I do both? Or is that too much? gah!

How do you celebrate/practice Lent?
Do you give up something that is difficult to replace/go without in your life, or do you give up something like harboring anger/bad thoughts, gossip, etc..? Do you count Sunday as a day of Lent (I read that Sundays are always supposed to be a day of celebration for Catholics and is thus not counted in the Lenten calendar?) What about the fasts? Total abstinence from food, or do you do the 1 meal thing? Post your ideas and practices here, I really would love to hear some pointers/other view points. I want to reap the most from this much as I possibly can! Give me your secrets! haha :)

Happy Wednesday!

Purity Challenge Week Two

Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they shall see God.
~Matthew 5:8

This week of the Purity Challenge, Lexi wants us to examine what causes us to stray from purity and what brings impurity into our hearts: "This week I want you all to link up and post about things that make us not have a pure heart and talk about ways teens can encourage one another to stand up for the gift God has given us. Purity."

This topic is one I think many of us overlook. We so badly just want to be pure that we don't examine what it is that causes us to stray in the first place. So in what ways do we allow impurity to enter our hearts and souls? Immediately, covetousness comes to mind.
Want. When all we see is what we lack, whether it be a relationship, material things, or faith itself, we miss out on the joy God has planned for us NOW at this moment. God has love and blessings in store for us, but He grants them at His time and His time only. So why waste a single thought/worry over something you cannot control anyway?

Another quality that keeps us from purity, that also ties smoothly into covetousness, is our pride and our vanity. When we have these attributes (and we all have!) we begin to feel
entitled. God does not want this! In fact He commands us over and over to lower ourselves, become humble, and live like children (i.e thankful and content to be in a position of complete submission to authority)

Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
~Matthew 18:4
For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.
~ Matthew 23:12

Who of us are more pure than little children? Children with all their innocence and their ability to simply love and help others with no strings attached? With purity comes selflessness. We should never expect anything and we should put others' wants and needs before our own (to a reasonable extent!). We need to live with a servant's heart because when we put ourselves in a service position, we've become like Christ Himself. Jesus came to our service...He had to do the "dirty work" so we could be reconciled with God. So abandon your vanity and pride! Quit the gossip, the slander, the "I'm better/worthier" attitude, and the anger you hold in your heart toward others. (But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ~ Colossians 3:8) Your mission is not to advance you, it's to have a relationship with God and to love, forgive, and serve His lost sheep. It can be a struggle to humbly love and serve your neighbor sometimes, but that challenge is what pleases God, that internal struggle is what makes you different from everyone else. Anyone can mock, cheat, and hate, but it takes a strong faith and a truly pure and selfless heart to forgive and put your own hurt behind God's desire.

Purity is basically love in its truest form:
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
~ 1 Timothy 1:5

A Pure heart exudes love...therefore anything that keeps us from loving others without fail keeps us in our impure state. To recap, this can be covetousness, vanity, pride, gossip, or slander. Believe it or not adultery (especially of the mind, Jesus says who ever looks upon a woman with lust is guilty of adultery of the heart) reveals our lack of love and our disrespect for our brothers and sisters in Christ (and anyone else for that matter!) It is a way in which we satiate our fleshly desires (which is essentially covetousness) without the promise of commitment.

To keep our minds, bodies, and souls pure, we need to learn self control. Control of our thoughts, of our tongues, and of our emotions. Being lax in our faith and thought-life can be dangerous as we all know how easily our mind can wander (especially us girls: "Look as her shirt, it's so ugly, etc") and when these thoughts and comments just start "slipping" we hurt others and just come off as mean spirited. That's the opposite of what we want and strive for as Christians, so let's join the battle and diligently keep our hearts in check.

Nichole Nordeman's song "Legacy" explains this lifestyle perfectly. We want to leave a loving and pure legacy behind us when we are called to God. How will you be remembered?

Peace & Blessings mes amis!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

What a Hobby!

Attention bloggers!
(I have found a new hobby!)

On Friday I learned how to crochet...and consequently I have been spending my time between school work and crocheting for the past three days. My fingers burn, but I have a place mat made and I am in the process of making a scarf. The people at the class were sweet...I may start going to their knitting club and hopefully pick that up as well. It feels quite rewarding to see the fruits of my labor :) [rather than the nothingness of when I waste too much time surfing the net or watching tv!]

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
~Proverbs 31:13

I have been watching the super bowl tonight though. Not so interesting and the commercials have been a bit of a bummer, but the Tim Tebow ad was nice!

I hope everyone had a peaceful & blessed weekend.
I've been thinking of all of you!
Your sister in Christ,

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Purity Challenge 2010

So I have joined the Purity Challenge to encourage other teens and adults in their quest for purity. I also wanted to participate so that those who do not know about this lifestyle, or those who simply reject it, will be informed of what this choice entails and why it is important to me and other Christians out there.

*I love how this is going on during the month of February also! Too many young girls (mostly girls, maybe even guys!) become depressed during this month because of Valentine's Day. This idea of showing off love and feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or hurt if we do not have it yet is not what God wants. Think of how much less heartache would be out there if the purity challenge dominated our minds and not being someone's "valentine"!!* Click HERE to find out more about the challenge and or join!

So here we go. Purity. What does this little word mean to me? Many people, my room mates for example, think purity is just abstaining from sex, and while that is a major component, it does not even begin to cover the entire promise I am making to God. For me, purity is a lifestyle. It is a way of conducting oneself in the presence of both men and women, a way of controlling my own thoughts and desires, a way of dressing, a way of treating others with love & respect, and most importantly, a way to show God He is my world. He is my "All in All" (my favorite Nichole Nordeman song heehee!) and I am willing to overcome worldly pressures, my own "wants", my impatience, and my lack of trust just for Him and His plan. By conquering my flesh I allow Him to work in my life, and what could be greater than living a life sculpted by our Creator Himself?

The one thing I struggled with (and sometimes still do. I'll admit it. Purity is an ongoing process!) was trusting God. It takes a lot of strength to wait and trust that God is forming our paths for us. I have one friend specifically who dates guys she knows are all wrong for her because she feels compelled to force a relationship to ultimately feel loved. The thing is, we've been conditioned to go after love ourselves. We don't want to wait, even if the best has yet to come. Immediate gratification is our world's motto! And, as we can see, when we do not receive this love we crave NOW, we worry and sometimes make bad choices. College is one place this happens a lot! Girls think they need to lure guys in (whether it be by their bodies, fashions, speech, etc) to find love, when really God says the opposite!

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life...Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? -Matthew 6:25-26

So purity to me is mainly a battle of patience and trust. Upon this foundation, God can feed us His strength and guidance. God says "Don't worry about your life! You're worth more to me than my other creation, I want to take care of you myself." When we finally relinquish our desire to "find love now" or be intimate to "satiate desires", God sees our trust and devotion to His ways. When you stop worrying, He can bless you!

My purity is very important to me as it is not only a gift I can one day share with my husband, but also it is a gift I can give to God. I give Him my youth, my purity, and a promise and in turn He will someday, if it be His will, give me the man He has hand picked Himself.

Now, while I have the choice (free will) of what to do with my body, I must also keep in mind that God doesn't just want us to choose Him and to remain pure...he expects it.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body....You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18, 20

When we conquer the flesh and remain pure, we honor God. Our bodies are not our own, they belong to the Creator. It's like if you were lent a sweater from your friend and you defiled it, making holes and pulls...and then returned it in that condition. You friend did not give you permission to ruin the sweater, she expected it back in the condition you received it. By neglecting the sweater and giving it back in that condition you're basically insulting your friend. However, if you kept the sweater in good shape, you're honoring the bond you have with your friend and showing the respect you have for her and her belongings. (we are God's belongings! we belong to Him, as we are His children!!) It's the same with our bodies and our purity. God needs us to guard our purity, not only for our own good, but to glorify Him and His creation (i.e your body!).

Now, purity is a huge topic and it is really hard to cover all in one post (that's why there will be more, both for the challenge and for my desire to spread the Word). This post barely scratched the surface, but it's a glimpse into what & why purity is important to me. I highly encourage all the young people to participate in this challenge...we need more guys (especially) and girls to stand up for what is RIGHT and what God wants from us.

Peace & Blessings!

A great video to leave you with; very encouraging!

Monday, February 1, 2010

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all~

This past weekend...cannot be put into words! Ok so from the top I guess...

You know that this week my room mate confided a secret in me. I don't want to expose it here or dishonor my promise to her, but it had to do with body-image problems that led to a very serious *predicament*. I cannot stress how difficult it was for me to process this, how could this seemingly confident girl allow this to happen to her life? I was just shaken, and fearful for her...and her life. My solution was just to constantly pray and sing the Nichole Nordeman song I posted above. That is what sustained me.

All week my room mates had been badgering me to "party" with them. (I'll admit I was a little curious due to my unhappiness with being bored 24/7, but overall I knew I wouldn't enjoy it. I hate the smell of smoke (here there are various kinds...if you get what I mean) and I dislike the smell and taste of alcohol. Not to mention I do not want to deal with guys trying to get "lucky".) I politely declined once. But they persisted all week, everyday, multiple times a day. I felt suffocated and my politeness was beginning to wear thin.

Swing to friday the wee hours of the morning Saturday. My room mate came back with her 2 friends (male & female) all drunk beyond recognition. They came into our room, not only woke me, but said things and did things I was so uncomfortable with. (And with the environment I live in, I don't get uncomfortable quite so easily anymore.) I couldn't leave either, I had to struggle through it. I basically just hid under my blanket praying for the moment to end. The next morning my room just reeked of alcohol, the bathroom of reverse peristalsis. I just wanted to cry & give up. Move out.

When they all finally left, I cracked open my Bible. I was SICK of feeling hopeless, helpless, and pathetic. I needed to get past this and become strong. Find answers or at least some comfort. I was severely behind in my "read the bible in a year" schedule so I spent a good 3 hours just reading, taking notes, and meditating over the scripture. (However Matthew & Mark repeat the same accounts almost word for word. I felt like I had just re-read the same gospel.)

In Matthew 25, it really hit home that I cannot become negligent in my faithfulness and I cannot allow for any lapses of my diligence in leading a Godly life. I don't want to become like the 5 unprepared virgins. I need to get my act together NOW and be on guard for the rest of my life. We don't know when God will return, or when we will die, and so we must always look to the Lord for strength and sustenance. In addition to that parable, we read about the master and his three servants who are entrusted with "talents". In Matthew 25:21 specifically, we read:

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

When I read this, I was floored. It was as if God was speaking directly to me. I have been entrusted with a heavy burden, not because God has forgotten about me, not because He doesn't care, or is punishing me...He TRUSTS me. He is giving me a valuable opportunity to please Him. He's seen what fruit I have produced elsewhere and now He is adding to my responsibilities to glorify Him in the end. My despair from the night before just vaporized after this.

When my room mate returned, we had a talk. I basically laid out what I had been feeling and what direction I know my life is going. I don't have time to be getting drunk and acting in totally unholy & impure ways. As the conversation progressed, we got into talking about her life and her problems and I could see it in her eyes the realization washing over her. It was like something had clicked in her and she agreed with the points I had been making. I could just feel God in the room with us, guiding my tongue.

So finally, I have conquered. I literally gave it up to God this weekend and He turned my helplessness into positive action. I was placed in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and I did not buckle. I stood up for my lifestyle and I even took baby steps in guiding my room mate. I feel very I am the one in control, not the peer pressure and temptations that lay around me. Praise the Lord, He is SO Good!!!

I will leave you with these words from Mother Teresa:
"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."

Peace & Blessings to all!
PS- I will be joining this purity challenge 2010 this week, maybe tonight, so keep an eye out for those posts shortly ;)