Bon Anniversaire!

Today is the Liturgical celebration of the Virgin Mary's birth. I read up on it today since many of the Catholic blogs I follow posted on the topic. I know this may not seem impressive to many Protestants, but the tradition began in the 6th and 7th centuries. That's an insanely long time ago!! And while I always knew the Church is 2,000 years old, it's so amazing to really think of the countless generations who celebrated, attended the same mass, and prayed almost the same way Catholics do today. Their traditions unite the faithful throughout history. That gives me the chills! In a good way haha

While this day was most likely not Mary's birthday, it's still a great way to honor the mother of our Lord. I don't think it's idolatrous because we celebrate family members' birthdays every month, and as the united Body of Christ, Mary is family. Spiritually. To all those who love her Son. I wish I had been taught these things in Sunday school, these are the days that really make the faith uniting. If I am to stay Catholic, I would definitely keep days like this with my future family. I read on one blog how they make a cake every year on this day in blue and white to symbolize the purity and life of Mary. This is an inspiring tradition for young girls...to have Mary as a figure to strive to mimic and appreciate instead of Paris Hilton. haha...well of course, silly comment.

I read somewhere today that in celebrating Mary's birth, we are celebrating the switch from the Old Testament to the New...the time when YHVH chose to dwell in humankind. Not only in the literal sense of Mary's womb, but the Holy Spirit in us. That's amazing!

So Happy Birthday Mary, through your agonizing choice, my salvation was achieved. Baruch HaShem for her strength and trust in the Lord's will...I have trouble keeping a covering on my head and she accepted conceiving a child out of wedlock, during an age when the penalty was death. Although that was not a threat she needed to worry about, the ridicule and criticisms must have been torutre...I know how my faith is persecuted...her's must have been 10x worse.

Shalom to all!

Praise YHVH I'm a Catholic

So today is trashed Tuesday at school...which means a lot of students get drunk since not many of us have Wednesday classes. Outside my room (in the common room) my room mate's friends are here to party, and I all can hear is slurping and burping. yuck! lol and thus I Praise Yah I am free from that; I can sit safely here in my room!

I cannot imagine my life any other way...

I love waking up and putting on any outfit I please; knowing my figure is concealed. Knowing that I don't have to please the lust and desires of men. Knowing that I can workout to be healthy and not over-do so I can look good in a bikini. (you would be surprised to learn how many HOURS girls work out here!) Knowing my body is a temple and I don't have to and am prohibited from intoxicating myself and abusing the body that has been lent to me by YHVH Himself. And lastly, but most importantly, knowing I am forgiven for all the times I happen to slip up. I see so much hurt in my friends sometimes...they say they "know" God has abandonded them and thus why not live recklessly?

I try so hard to convince them otherwise, but what they truly need is a little faith of their own. Sometimes we can be so deep in sin and so far in Satan's hands that salvation seems unattainable and we are undeserving anyways. Which we are, but we have the Greatest Love, the Love that Saves. I wish my words could convey this to them...to let them know they are as free as me. A freedom only felt when you relinquish sin and control and cling to the robes of the Lord.

I hope you all are enjoying the coming of September. God is so great to have sustained us to this season, and I am so truly thankful! I see my life surrounded by blessings and I see how far I have come spiritually...How wonderful Yah is!

Mark 9:23
"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

I should be reading right now, but...

I'm sorry it's been a while since I've posted, I've had so much work to do. Most of my school work is reading, and not just little passages, but lengthy chapters and articles. I read more in one class alone than I used to overall in high school. It worries me that come test time, all this reading will mesh together and I won't remember one class or article from the next. I don't know what to expect with college exams and grading...YHVH willing I'll be fine and retain it all.

Aside from the work, I've just been feeling really run down. This morning I had trouble getting out of bed because I felt so nauseous. It's a good thing I'm leaving for the long weekend. One of my friends here is going home and not coming back though, which upsets me. She was an awesome person, but she said the independence was too big a step and she's transferring to a local school where she lives. It makes me think of how scared I was when I came here and how I was actively looking for a way to stay home and commute to a university in my town.

I felt very unready to live away from home, from my security and privacy, and especially the freedom to delve into religious life. Here things are much harder...I lost a lot of my privacy and have a harder time keeping God in my head at all times like I used to. But right before I came I prayed extensively and asked for his grace, that I may love it here. And I really do; somehow my fears vanished as soon as my parents left campus. The peace I felt was, and is, something this girl lacks. She was very vocal about hating church yada yada, and look where she is now. I couldn't imagine not having God's comfort in my most trying times...it's something many Christians take for granted in their lives. I can't even imagine the last time I faced a struggle WITHOUT the peace of God running through my veins...it makes me pity those who have turned from Him. I didn't lose freedom by adhering to God's word when I became a Christian, like many of the secular students here believe, I gained an arsenal of love, protection, guidance, and mercy.

Oh and even though this is getting off the above subject, I did go to the Catholic ministry here at the beginning of the week. My friend went with me and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I thought it was a little odd playing ice breaker games and singing...but then again I have never had a religious group to practice my faith in. I think my own aprehension and discomfort stemmed from the fact that I had to become vulnerable. I have to be vocal with my faith in this club, I need to share my experiences and praise God in public. Something I really have never done outside of mass. I said I wouldn't go back...but I think I really should. What use am I in this spiritual walk if I can't open up? I can't practice my faith in my own personal bubble forever. I need ministry, I need to be an instrument.

May God bless you & yours~

Sunday Happenings :)

Ah today today; got a lot done, but it won't look like much on "paper" haha. I woke up early...for a Sunday...at 8:00. My room mate had asked me to go to church with her this weekend, but had drank a little too much last night and did not want to wake up this morning. Upon waking, still very drowsy, I pondered putting my head back on my pillow and going back to sleep for a few hours. I didn't know how to get to the church, I didn't know who to sit with, and I was exhausted! But then I remembered how I hadn't been to church yet, I hadn't read much scripture on my own, and I hadn't joined a single religious club to reap my spiritual benefits...I HAD to go!

I got dressed the way I thought was appropriate for Catholic mass, the way I always have with one minor alteration: an ankle length skirt, 3/4 length shirt, and a head covering. It was a cute one too, nothing out of the ordinary religious/amish, in fact I have seen other girls wear similar ones around campus. I thought nothing of it. I got lost walking into town, as I knew I would (hence why I left 30 minutes early), and finally found the church. I excitedly walked in alone and took a seat toward the back. Soon as people filed in, the seats around me filled. On either side of me was a mother with a baby and a mother with 2 young boys. At first all was well, I got a lot of stares, but I didn't mind. I knew I was a "new comer", I understood some curiosity!

But it got weird fast. The one mother would NOT stop glaring at me. I smiled, but I was really unsettled. It didn't take long before her boys started acting up too. They were rustling bags, yelling, walking down the aisles, and JUMPING on the hymnals and NEW TESTAMENTS! I was awe-struck! What in the world?! Why wasn't she stopping them?! Where was the respect and reverence in these children?! When I was their age I was absolutely SILENT! Not only would my mother and grandmother not allow bad behavior, but my religious ed teachers were serious about respect in God's house. I wasn't scared into being well behaved, I did it to please God. I knew he was in Church; this was HIS house and I was a guest. That's why watching this train wreck in front of me baffled me! I was literally disgusted.

Once in a while I would look around at the parish. The women behind me looked uneasy and I didn't know why. By this point I thought I had done something or had something on me. They were looking me up and down, and since I was in a white skirt, I thought I had had my period (sorry to be so blunt lol my room mate had just previously gotten hers off schedual and so it was on my mind as a possibility)...or sat in something unpleasent. Why else would I cause a distraction? I kept looking behind myself to see if I could see anything to freak them out, but I saw nothing. My skirt was white. So I tried hard to concentrate despite the stares, the baby throwing things to my right and the wild boys to my left.

The hand shaking moment came. For the non-Catholics, we shake hands at one point in mass to show peace to your neighbor. No matter who is around you, whether it be strangers, friends, family, or enemy, you shake their hand and say "peace be with you!!" You just do! I put my hand out and *get this* I was ignored by the man and women in front of me, ignored by the mother and the baby, and the woman behind me WAVED at me as I had my hand waiting for hers in the air!! She waved. You don't wave! And it wasn't like she was just a germ-a-phobe, she shook the people around her's hands fine. So I stood there, alone, with no hand shakes for a good couple seconds while everyone else participated in the ritual.

I can't help but laugh now because as I re-read my blog, I see how rejected I am by everyone I come in contact with. I must have a sign on my forehead that says "stay away!" hahahahaha. However, I was invited after mass to the catholic campus ministry at my school by the members of the club and I plan to go. I never had a problem in the RCC/mass before today...such a weird/freak expirience. When I told my 2 Catholic room mates, they laughed so hard! They had never expirienced it either, everyone shakes, even if you desperately don't want to. You just do!

Anyways, I don't know why I was stood up :P Maybe it was my covering, maybe they just didn't trust outsiders...I don't know.


I have been swamped with reading and homework for classes so the rest of my day consisted of solid work, a work out at the gym, a shower, and dinner. That's about it! Class in the am though, so I gotta sign off and get some shut eye!

Peace be with you all ;) hahaha
your sis in the Lord, RA

This is getting hard!

Today is the one week mark since I moved into school...I can't believe it. I thought it would be so easy to stay strong in my convictions and plans, but it's been such a struggle. Especially since the Christian guy I met drove me insane! He was really nice at first, but he didn't like my room mates (and in fact said he didn't want to hang around non-Christians; which is ridiculous; did Jesus hang ONLY with religious Jews? No!). What really sent me over the edge was his disapproval of my faith. He said the old Law is gone, yet couldn't really explain the sin of homosexuality without quoting from it. He even brought up marriage at one point, and while courtship is a noble idea, his mainstream evangelical ways just creeped me out. I won't say much else about him because it's almost at the point of gossip, but in short, he had a lot of hang-ups and he was a tad condescending. I may have made myself look less knowledgeable than I am, but he acted like he had the keys to the Kingdom.

This weird experience really threw me off. I had to hide in my dorm to get some peace from him. I even started to notice myself sliding. And in my head at the time I was justifying it...I didn't want to be like him! I didn't want to be that way to people around me; how do I know how they see me? It gave me flashbacks to when I hurt my atheist friend with my "Christian talk". I must have sounded like an arrogant _____. To be honest. I was freaking out inside. When my covering slipped, I took it off. I was getting excited about the nightlife with my room mates, I was lusting and flirting, I wasn't thanking YHVH for my food before I ate...

and then english came. We had to give a writing sample (all freshmen) the first day. We were supposed to get like an hour, but my teacher gave us 35-ish. I bombed! (well in my mind I felt it was the worst essay I had ever put my name on.) If the teachers felt my essay was bad enough, they would put me in a remedial class. How awful. Maybe it was my own insecurity, but I had a feeling that essay was bad enough to be deserving of such action. I had to turn to God to calm my nerves and assure me. It was really hard repenting that night...to acknowledge the sin from a mere few days! The next morning I put a full covering on and just trusted God with my fate in english. That night my teacher told me my essay was great, vivid, and compelling. I was shocked. It deserved no praise and yet my teacher did not hold back. I remember blurting out "Praise Yah!" after I read it with the biggest, cheesiest grin on my face. I didn't even care that my door was open and that my room mates were in ear shot.

It's still hard for me to wear my covering though. They don't stay on! I've tried bobby pins, clips, hair ties...nothing will keep it in place. Also, since I share a suite with 8 other girls, shower time in precious and I usually shower before class and putting cloth over wet hair is not comfortable or practical. And the food crisis....oh boy! Pork everywhere and sometimes they just label it "meat"...as in what? mystery meat? I saw lasagna tonight and I just scooped it on my plate not noticing the "meat" next to the sign. As I took a bite, I couldn't tell what it was...beef? pork? both? All day they had pork. Sausage this, pork quesadillas that. I was starving come dinner! I hated not knowing if what I was eating was kosher. The frustration was overwhelming and just writing this upsets me. Being a religious college freshman is almost an oxymoron. Week one was rocky...I hope it gets easier from here.

I am trying to get in touch with my friends who I may have offended at home though. If anything, this week has taught me how NOT to be a Christian! I definately know Campus Crusade and those people are NOT the crowd for me. Which means I have no where spiritual to go lol. No Chabad, no Campus ministry. But my room mate did ask me last night if I would go to church with her. At first I was dreading it...I didn't know what she was. (baptist like the guy? episcopal? lutheran?) I almost didn't want to deal with some crazy protestant church, but she's a Catholic. Baruch HaShem!

So this weekend I'm off to Catholic church with my wild roomie :) Hopefully she appreciates and feels YHVH there. I'm ready for some comfort in the word, even if I don't agree 100% with the RCC; it's been my home for 18 years.

Say What!?

I have about 20 minutes to kill before the dining hall opens so I'll fill you in on the big bummer of my morning haha

As you may have read below, I wanted to participate with the Chabad during the school year, and the Rabbi had encouraged my friends and I to fill out a mailing paper and come to the services. I even went to the website, excited as ever, and read how they want everyone: Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and Non-Jews to come to their meetings! So you must understand how much hope this gave me...especially when the rabbi found me on facebook!

I left him a comment about participating, despite the fact I'm a non-jew on his wall and he responded enthusiastically. So I went to bed with a smile on my face knowing I have a place to keep Torah and another place to worship Yeshua here on campus. And then after my morning run and shower, I logged on to facebook and I have a message from the rabbi in my inbox. Could it be an invitation? My excitement quickly turned to despair with a twinge of embarassment as I read his letter. He said if I really wanted to come I could, but there will be many things I shouldn't go to. And at the very least I should bring a Jewish friend with me. I felt like an idiot!

I don't know why he encouraged me multiple times before and just now is telling me I'm not exactly wanted; kind of like the kid you didn't want to invite to the party, but they found out about it, and now you don't want to be rude, so you let them come anyway. haha that's me! :P

I'm debating whether or not I should respond to his message. I don't want to look like I desperately want to go, especially if they find out I'm a Torah-keeping Christian. The Jews I have met say that's not a real religion and I'm making one up/hijacking theirs...so I don't want to impose on the Chabad since they already seem a little put off by my interest.

It's so weird not to fit in anywhere. I'll definately participate in a Christian group; I saw some boys with bibles going to church this morning so they must be in it already. I just found it annoying when the man the other night was speaking of "the Law"...The 10 Commandments. The Law is not just the 10 commandments people! But alas...what's a girl to do? lol

Wow it's 11:00 exactly! Perfect timing. I am STARVING since I didn't eat dinner last night. I took such a long walk with my friend that everyone ate without me haha oh well! Fasting never killed anyone :) well maybe a prolonged one...hmm...nevermind that's not a happy note to leave off on haha

Have a great day everyone! thanks for supporting my blog/cause!
May YHVH bless you and yours always~

All Settled In

So here I am, sitting at my desk in my dorm! I can't believe I've been here 3 days already. Time flew by, and oddly enough this has been the first time I have been alone and had time to make a post.

My school is pretty liberal, which I don't/wouldn't have minded if it wasn't shoved in my face so much. We had to watch a play at orientation in the summer about homosexuality and that I MUST accept it because it's natural and any other form of thought is bigotry. Needless to say I was offended. And whenever people talk about it I just sit back and listen. I will not nod to enable them or voice my opinion in protest. It's the same with all the sex/drugs/and partying going on too though. A lot of it is sinful, but whatever I say will only instill anger and won't change them. (I've learned that the hard way) They even give out condoms as poker chips in the CAMPUS RUN casino night! what are you serious!?

The funny thing is though, the school does all this work for "liberating" its students and yet they completely forget, or perhaps it's ignore, the religious body on campus. I know Ramadan has started and I noticed a few muslim students walking around. And then it hit me. The dining hall didn't open until 11:30 today. Forget the fact that I was starving, but the muslims didn't get to eat before dawn and the hall closes before the sunsets today. Even though the hours are weird because it's move in/orientation weekend, how is that fair?! The students in this situation obviously must have brought their own food, but I find this wrong that they aren't provided for. It's the same for me though, I want to keep kosher (biblically, not rabbinically) and the only kosher food is served on Shabbat. Once a week. And the school doesn't offer it I think, i believe the off-campus Chabad does. Crazy, no?

I went to a little carnival the school held where local shops and banks and clubs gave out free things and food (yum!). My favorite part was the religious organizations represented. I saw a sweet little baby and I immediately went running haha and to my surprise I ran into her Orthodox Jewish mother. Her husband was the Chabad director and they had games and a mailing list and they invited me to services and Shabbat dinner. My heart melted! I wanted to go so bad!! My excitement was soon gone when I looked to my right and realized I had to go to the campus functions with my friends. Once school starts I will go to services and Shabbat dinner, even if the students don't acknowledge Yeshua, they uphold the Torah. The revere the Word and the Word is God.

I was then called over by the Crusade for Christ ministry and they gave me a whole bag of goodies I truly appreciated. The man was nice and I didn't mind his evangelizing since I wanted to know what his club had to offer. But my room mate...oh you should have seen her face. Sheer uncomfort! She looked attacked, scared, and offended. The same way I feel when the staff put on their programs.

I see so much opportunity for religious growth here, and yet so many traps. I have been hanging out with the boy I met here who is religious. And while I have enjoyed having a Christian friend (my only one so far) I just have trouble getting past the different mindframes. It's crazy how we are both very religious and we consider ourselves very Christian...yet we don't agree on so much. It just proves the scripture

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. -- Matthew 7:13-14

"Someone asked him, "Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?"

"Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'
"But he will answer, 'I don't know you or where you come from.' -- Luke 13:23-25

I am not saying he's a bad person and will go to hell, but there are so many churches, so many doctrines due to man's perversion of the word, and so many cover ups in the Bible! Oh we should be modest, chaste, virtuous, and strive for good? Well that doesn't fit into my lifestyle. Hopefully I will find my niche. I will do it with or without a friend. Speaking of which I have to switch from my little headband coverings to bigger ones. I just need some time. it's hard to wear them and not look like a cancer patient...it's harder for Christians because people will be like why are you wearing that on your head? and our answer is meaningless because the head scarf seems to be a muslim thing only...or to cover a bald head. :/ However...that's a good way to spread God's Word. hmmm....


Baruch HaShem for every blessing he has given me :)
(this took me 2 hours to write almost...college life...is distracting)