So I am back from my last summer get-away, but now I am loaded with last minute packing. I move into my university tomorrow! I'll try to post tomorrow night or the next if I can. Today will be filled with tearful goodbyes and putting my life into storage bins so I won't have any time to spareeee. :(
This is such a weird time in my life! But I think it's needed. I need to learn true independence and I absolutely must meet new people. Baruch HaShem; I am able to afford such an education and experience!
I am a young girl striving to separate herself from the allure of the world in the hopes of attaining a peaceful & God-fearing life. I would love to share my experiences as a testimony to my faith. May God keep you all. Pax Vobiscum.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Our Father Who Art in Heaven
So as my previous post mentioned, I have just returned from a vacation and will be off shortly. But, I'd like to blog about what's been on my heart and mind lately. In addition to listening to the song Fingerprints by Steven Curtis Chapman, I have also been mesmerized by his new song Cinderella. It was written in memory of his daughter Maria who died last year in a devastating car accident. The song is so sweet; it discusses the relationship between a father and his daughter and how he must cherish the moments he has with her before she leaves.
The relationship between a father and daughter is a very special one and sadly many people miss out on it. Those who do have that close tell-all bond with their dads are truly blessed. But it made me realize that, as Christians, we have this relationship no matter how connected we are with our earthly fathers; we have another Father. One who is much more dear and much more important. And we are far more blessed than those who have the bond with their dad, but not Adonai. We are a people unlike any other because our God is our Father.
This never really crossed my mind. No matter how many times I recited the Our Father, I never grasped how wonderful this relationship is. The Bible is so unique in this aspect because God stresses his role as a Father and not so much as a distant entity. Through the messiah we are brought into this intense intimacy that no other religion can grasp. Many of us take this gift for granted. Relationships matter and they especially will on the Day of Judgment. Those of other faiths will face God as a judge (as their faith teaches). A stranger. One with no real sympathy for you. How could He if you have no relation? He'll view you as a lawbreaker and a sinner and what would be more fitting than to lock you away. For a Christian, we will be judged, but not by a stranger. By our Father.
Just think of that. It's like if you were in court for a list of heavy crimes and you could choose the person to sentence/fine you. The toughest judge in the country or your own father. Who wouldn't want their dad to oversee the case? While there will be disappointment and chastisement, we will be forgiven and we will be set free, not because we deserve it, but because it's our Father behind the gavel. Relationships are such a vital part of human life; it's the vein of our existence because it's what links us all to each other, to our history, to our failures and successes. What better than to realize you have one with the Creator of the Universe. Not only that: He WANTS it. We don't have to beg for a sliver of his love and mercy. He seeks US and basically begs US to let him give it to us. And most of us have REFUSED!
I know it's hard for those outside Christianity to understand. They think it's crazy and blasphemous to think we humans could call the Creator "Father". How dare we. But I think that's the guilt we feel as sinners. We don't deserve this amazing and awesome gift God has set before our feet, so we push it away. We try and show how it cannot be possible for God to desire such intimacy and consequently we push Him farther and farther away until He becomes a stranger to us.
As I grow older, I face more and more ugly and chaotic situations. Without the comfort and peace I receive from God I would have lost my mind by now; and I am still so young! I can still enjoy that peace only a child has. The one where fear hardly ever crosses your mind and when it does, you have a parent there to take it all away. God is that for me, and can be for you. He's the ultimate Father, the one I can go to with any question, no matter how embarrassing. Like a child, I can access him at any time, and when the path gets dark and narrow, I have his hand to guide me through. Even as adults, we are just helpless children that need our Father to comfort us, protect us, punish us, forgive us, and most importantly Love us.
The relationship between a father and daughter is a very special one and sadly many people miss out on it. Those who do have that close tell-all bond with their dads are truly blessed. But it made me realize that, as Christians, we have this relationship no matter how connected we are with our earthly fathers; we have another Father. One who is much more dear and much more important. And we are far more blessed than those who have the bond with their dad, but not Adonai. We are a people unlike any other because our God is our Father.
This never really crossed my mind. No matter how many times I recited the Our Father, I never grasped how wonderful this relationship is. The Bible is so unique in this aspect because God stresses his role as a Father and not so much as a distant entity. Through the messiah we are brought into this intense intimacy that no other religion can grasp. Many of us take this gift for granted. Relationships matter and they especially will on the Day of Judgment. Those of other faiths will face God as a judge (as their faith teaches). A stranger. One with no real sympathy for you. How could He if you have no relation? He'll view you as a lawbreaker and a sinner and what would be more fitting than to lock you away. For a Christian, we will be judged, but not by a stranger. By our Father.
Just think of that. It's like if you were in court for a list of heavy crimes and you could choose the person to sentence/fine you. The toughest judge in the country or your own father. Who wouldn't want their dad to oversee the case? While there will be disappointment and chastisement, we will be forgiven and we will be set free, not because we deserve it, but because it's our Father behind the gavel. Relationships are such a vital part of human life; it's the vein of our existence because it's what links us all to each other, to our history, to our failures and successes. What better than to realize you have one with the Creator of the Universe. Not only that: He WANTS it. We don't have to beg for a sliver of his love and mercy. He seeks US and basically begs US to let him give it to us. And most of us have REFUSED!
I know it's hard for those outside Christianity to understand. They think it's crazy and blasphemous to think we humans could call the Creator "Father". How dare we. But I think that's the guilt we feel as sinners. We don't deserve this amazing and awesome gift God has set before our feet, so we push it away. We try and show how it cannot be possible for God to desire such intimacy and consequently we push Him farther and farther away until He becomes a stranger to us.
As I grow older, I face more and more ugly and chaotic situations. Without the comfort and peace I receive from God I would have lost my mind by now; and I am still so young! I can still enjoy that peace only a child has. The one where fear hardly ever crosses your mind and when it does, you have a parent there to take it all away. God is that for me, and can be for you. He's the ultimate Father, the one I can go to with any question, no matter how embarrassing. Like a child, I can access him at any time, and when the path gets dark and narrow, I have his hand to guide me through. Even as adults, we are just helpless children that need our Father to comfort us, protect us, punish us, forgive us, and most importantly Love us.
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”
Vacation(s)
Sorry all, I was on a four day vacation and apparently...I am off to another 2 day one in a few days :) I absolutely adore the beach! The scenery itself makes me feel so close and connected to YHVH. I just get lost in His grandeur.
Ok so until I can get on here and make a proper post, here is a song I am currently obsessed with!
Ok so until I can get on here and make a proper post, here is a song I am currently obsessed with!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Frustrations
The title says it all. I am down right frustrated. As you know I am leaving for college soon and I have been trying to plan the clothes I'll take. I want to start my college years modest, since it was hard enough transitioning in high school. I don't want people to question my sudden style change mid-way through the year and freak them out like I apparently did with my friends from hs. They ended up thinking I was crazy and that made them question my spirituality rather than respect it. I want to be accepted for my beliefs in college and I want to stay modest not only for the above reason, but for my own vanity and the possibility of sliding.
Every time I have gone to a college function, I have noticed the male population. Wham! back to my old ways. But when I take the time to dress modestly, I am more aware and conscious of my behavior. Modest from the get-go almost sends the message that I won't be playing those games anymore. The plan sounds good so far right? The only problem is implementing it.
My closet has pretty much stayed consistent throughout the years. I take good care of my clothes, that's why they last so long. However, 75% of it really doesn't measure up to the look I am striving for. I have jeans, but they aren't loose. Not like incredibly tight, (though I do have 1 pair of skinny jeans) but they show my figure a little too much. Which is ok if I have a longer tunic/shirt dress over it. But I only have a couple. And most of my shirts are form fitting or too short or too low cut...it's just so FRUSTRATING! Most of my modest clothes come in the form of good old maxi dresses, flowy skirts, and some cardigans. But those don't seem practical for winter. (any opinions?)
Building up a modest wardrobe is expensive. And I am a VERY frugal person. But it's all adding up. I try and get my inspiration from muslimahs because they are always modest and normally so chic. Most Christian conservatives tend to dress like the amish...and while I respect that...I don't want to look amish :( HOWEVER. I can never do it! My scarves never wrap right (usually because of fringe or beading, since I bought them with the intent of wearing them around my neck, not over my hair.) My one pair of modest pants make me look like a box and my shirts seem to follow suit. I think I need a pocket hijabi to help me with my shopping and styling. For a girl who used to be very fashionable, I am finding it hard to maintain my fashion sense while at the same time hiding my figure. And that is FRUSTRATING!
And apart from the technical aspect of being modest, I am frustrated with the outright rejection I am getting from the Christians around me. I thought I met someone from school with the exact beliefs as me, but now as we talk, he's revealing how he thinks we as Christians should blend in with the world. How else will we gain converts? UH HELLO! We are called to be a separate people; set apart and holy. I don't think wearing a wash cloth for a dress, going trick or treating on Halloween, or forgetting the laws of the Bible will make God happy OR win over nonbelievers. Because *ahem* I lived that way for years and I didn't "save" one soul. Uhg. He just made me feel like a zealot.
I don't understand why the world hates when a Christian tries to follow their Bible to a "T", but respects the piety of most other faiths. Who am I kidding? It's not even the world who hates practicing Christians, it's fellow "Christians"! That's where I get the most flack. It's like your faith must be left behind in the Church pew every Sunday and if it even tries to peak its ugly little head out of the Chapel doors, there will be hell to pay! I don't see my loneliness subsiding anytime soon either. My college is pretty liberal. I wouldn't be surprised if the bible study club shied away from me too. I wish there was a Christian Ummah in a way. You find nothing but piety in practicing Muslims.
Sorry about my rant. It's the only way I can release this anxiety without questioning my journey entirely. This is all going to escalate in difficulty once I am living in a dorm room. My study will be out in the open, my praying, my head covering. And it's not even the rejection I am afraid of, since I am very used to it...but it's the thought of being all alone. That I will never be able to get over. I need some face to face Torah interaction so that at least I know what I am doing is real. That is has some purpose or meaning for YHVH and his plan.
Matt 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. "
Every time I have gone to a college function, I have noticed the male population. Wham! back to my old ways. But when I take the time to dress modestly, I am more aware and conscious of my behavior. Modest from the get-go almost sends the message that I won't be playing those games anymore. The plan sounds good so far right? The only problem is implementing it.
My closet has pretty much stayed consistent throughout the years. I take good care of my clothes, that's why they last so long. However, 75% of it really doesn't measure up to the look I am striving for. I have jeans, but they aren't loose. Not like incredibly tight, (though I do have 1 pair of skinny jeans) but they show my figure a little too much. Which is ok if I have a longer tunic/shirt dress over it. But I only have a couple. And most of my shirts are form fitting or too short or too low cut...it's just so FRUSTRATING! Most of my modest clothes come in the form of good old maxi dresses, flowy skirts, and some cardigans. But those don't seem practical for winter. (any opinions?)
Building up a modest wardrobe is expensive. And I am a VERY frugal person. But it's all adding up. I try and get my inspiration from muslimahs because they are always modest and normally so chic. Most Christian conservatives tend to dress like the amish...and while I respect that...I don't want to look amish :( HOWEVER. I can never do it! My scarves never wrap right (usually because of fringe or beading, since I bought them with the intent of wearing them around my neck, not over my hair.) My one pair of modest pants make me look like a box and my shirts seem to follow suit. I think I need a pocket hijabi to help me with my shopping and styling. For a girl who used to be very fashionable, I am finding it hard to maintain my fashion sense while at the same time hiding my figure. And that is FRUSTRATING!
And apart from the technical aspect of being modest, I am frustrated with the outright rejection I am getting from the Christians around me. I thought I met someone from school with the exact beliefs as me, but now as we talk, he's revealing how he thinks we as Christians should blend in with the world. How else will we gain converts? UH HELLO! We are called to be a separate people; set apart and holy. I don't think wearing a wash cloth for a dress, going trick or treating on Halloween, or forgetting the laws of the Bible will make God happy OR win over nonbelievers. Because *ahem* I lived that way for years and I didn't "save" one soul. Uhg. He just made me feel like a zealot.
I don't understand why the world hates when a Christian tries to follow their Bible to a "T", but respects the piety of most other faiths. Who am I kidding? It's not even the world who hates practicing Christians, it's fellow "Christians"! That's where I get the most flack. It's like your faith must be left behind in the Church pew every Sunday and if it even tries to peak its ugly little head out of the Chapel doors, there will be hell to pay! I don't see my loneliness subsiding anytime soon either. My college is pretty liberal. I wouldn't be surprised if the bible study club shied away from me too. I wish there was a Christian Ummah in a way. You find nothing but piety in practicing Muslims.
Sorry about my rant. It's the only way I can release this anxiety without questioning my journey entirely. This is all going to escalate in difficulty once I am living in a dorm room. My study will be out in the open, my praying, my head covering. And it's not even the rejection I am afraid of, since I am very used to it...but it's the thought of being all alone. That I will never be able to get over. I need some face to face Torah interaction so that at least I know what I am doing is real. That is has some purpose or meaning for YHVH and his plan.
Matt 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. "
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Hebrew Songs
I am currently "youtubing" it and wanted to share some favorites with you :-)
This is a clip from the movie The Prince of Egypt when the Jews are being led out of slavery. I sooo adore this song! The Hebrew is so beautiful and I get the chills listening to the words!
And this one is a Hebrew lullaby called Hashkivenu; it's very lovely and very calming. Baruch HaShem.
This is a clip from the movie The Prince of Egypt when the Jews are being led out of slavery. I sooo adore this song! The Hebrew is so beautiful and I get the chills listening to the words!
And this one is a Hebrew lullaby called Hashkivenu; it's very lovely and very calming. Baruch HaShem.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
How can Christians understand Jesus without understanding Judaism?
So a few days ago I bought a book called Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus by Ann Spangler and Lois Tverberg. I started reading it today and am only 40 pages in, but already I have learned so much! The authors show how while modern day Christianity is beautiful, it is missing such a huge portion of God's heritage; the culture and faith that shaped the way Jesus taught. That's why the parables we read from the Bible confuse us, because we read them from the 2009 American/European perspective and not an ancient Jewish one.
There are techniques and styles of teaching within the New Testament that made sense to its original audience; something that has been heavily lost through time. For instance, many rabbis of Jesus' time would quote the Torah and or make references to a certain scripture throughout the day- whether it be for teaching, making a quick and sharp retort, or subtly making a point known without coming out and saying it.
The authors show this in a situation (a tradition used throughout the centuries) between a modern rabbi and his student. The student had betrayed him and the rabbi said to him "Banim gidalti veromumti" which in English means "I have raised children and brought them up." The student had no idea what he meant by this remark, but he knew it was taken from Isaiah, so he went home and found the passage. The full piece reads "I have raised children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me." To a Jew in ancient times, if someone had said such a thing, the full message would have been understood. All Jews, whether rich or poor, man or woman, child or adult, studied Torah HEAVILY. (I was surprised to read even women were encouraged to sit in on discussions and many were educated enough to debate the rabbis and spiritual elite!) It's like today if someone says "Up yours." we don't have to ask 'up what of mine?' we know where and what they mean; it's just part of our ways.
So the authors proceed to show how this is relevant in the Bible. At one point in Matthew, Jesus had been healing and teaching in the temple and crowds were gathered cheering. The children shouted "Hosanna to the son of David" and this p*ssed off the priests. They confronted him and asked if he realized what these children were insinuating. And Jesus says "Have you never read, 'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?" Matthew 21:16 Yeshua is quoting Psalm 8:2 here. "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies to silence the foe and the avenger." This psalm means God's glory is so immense that even the innocents of the world, the children, innately praise and worship him; which thus shames those who hate the Lord.
There is also one other chapter I wanted to share from this book. Peter asks Yeshua in Matthew 18 how many times he should forgive someone who wrongs him; should he forgive him seven times? In Judaism, the number 7 represents completeness: a point many Christians miss. Peter is asking if he should completely forgive those who sin and wrong him. Yeshua responds "seventy seven times" Now hmmm, what is he saying? I should forgive someone 77 times and then at 78 it's done! I will get my revenge! No, he is quoting Genesis 4:24 where Lamech says "I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me; If Cain is avenged 7 times, then Lamech 77 times." This essentially means, cross Lamech and you will not only receive the COMPLETE payback you deserve, but 77 times more. He will rip you to shreds. Yeshua uses this scripture to teach us as Christians to be as Lamech, but only in FORGIVENESS! When you are sinned against, you should not only be quick to forgive the sinner completely, but to be eager to douse them in your mercy. Put as much passion behind your forgiveness as Lamech put behind his vengeance.
Wow. How amazing! I never read that scripture that way before, I never knew exactly what Yeshua was getting at, but I knew it was good. However, I much prefer having the knowledge of the Jewish culture and tradition equipped to me when I read my Bible than reading it as a 21st century westerner. "Good" does not compare to the magic you get from Torah. I wish I had the knowledge of a Jew from this time; having the Torah written in my heart, mind, and soul. I wish I could read Yeshua's teachings and small hints and go "Aha! I know exactly what you are quoting from and the meaning it has in this situation!"
All this in the first 40 pages! Needless to say I am itching to read the rest! I highly recommend you buy this book!
There are techniques and styles of teaching within the New Testament that made sense to its original audience; something that has been heavily lost through time. For instance, many rabbis of Jesus' time would quote the Torah and or make references to a certain scripture throughout the day- whether it be for teaching, making a quick and sharp retort, or subtly making a point known without coming out and saying it.
The authors show this in a situation (a tradition used throughout the centuries) between a modern rabbi and his student. The student had betrayed him and the rabbi said to him "Banim gidalti veromumti" which in English means "I have raised children and brought them up." The student had no idea what he meant by this remark, but he knew it was taken from Isaiah, so he went home and found the passage. The full piece reads "I have raised children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me." To a Jew in ancient times, if someone had said such a thing, the full message would have been understood. All Jews, whether rich or poor, man or woman, child or adult, studied Torah HEAVILY. (I was surprised to read even women were encouraged to sit in on discussions and many were educated enough to debate the rabbis and spiritual elite!) It's like today if someone says "Up yours." we don't have to ask 'up what of mine?' we know where and what they mean; it's just part of our ways.
So the authors proceed to show how this is relevant in the Bible. At one point in Matthew, Jesus had been healing and teaching in the temple and crowds were gathered cheering. The children shouted "Hosanna to the son of David" and this p*ssed off the priests. They confronted him and asked if he realized what these children were insinuating. And Jesus says "Have you never read, 'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?" Matthew 21:16 Yeshua is quoting Psalm 8:2 here. "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies to silence the foe and the avenger." This psalm means God's glory is so immense that even the innocents of the world, the children, innately praise and worship him; which thus shames those who hate the Lord.
There is also one other chapter I wanted to share from this book. Peter asks Yeshua in Matthew 18 how many times he should forgive someone who wrongs him; should he forgive him seven times? In Judaism, the number 7 represents completeness: a point many Christians miss. Peter is asking if he should completely forgive those who sin and wrong him. Yeshua responds "seventy seven times" Now hmmm, what is he saying? I should forgive someone 77 times and then at 78 it's done! I will get my revenge! No, he is quoting Genesis 4:24 where Lamech says "I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me; If Cain is avenged 7 times, then Lamech 77 times." This essentially means, cross Lamech and you will not only receive the COMPLETE payback you deserve, but 77 times more. He will rip you to shreds. Yeshua uses this scripture to teach us as Christians to be as Lamech, but only in FORGIVENESS! When you are sinned against, you should not only be quick to forgive the sinner completely, but to be eager to douse them in your mercy. Put as much passion behind your forgiveness as Lamech put behind his vengeance.
Wow. How amazing! I never read that scripture that way before, I never knew exactly what Yeshua was getting at, but I knew it was good. However, I much prefer having the knowledge of the Jewish culture and tradition equipped to me when I read my Bible than reading it as a 21st century westerner. "Good" does not compare to the magic you get from Torah. I wish I had the knowledge of a Jew from this time; having the Torah written in my heart, mind, and soul. I wish I could read Yeshua's teachings and small hints and go "Aha! I know exactly what you are quoting from and the meaning it has in this situation!"
All this in the first 40 pages! Needless to say I am itching to read the rest! I highly recommend you buy this book!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Off to College in less than 15 days
I am a bundle of nerves as my move in date for college approaches. Not only am I scared of living away from home, with a suite of 9 girls who can't wait to "par-tay", but I am also afraid that I picked the WRONG college to go to. Since sophomore year of high school I always envisioned myself in the health care system as a nurse practitioner or a midwife, but I decided I needed to be in a school that had diversity enough to where I could change my mind if I wished. All of the schools I applied to had a nursing major and also education (teaching), which I have been torn between. In my senior year of high school, my careers teacher told me she almost became a nurse, but the sheer terror of the situations she faced made her quit. Since then I was weary of my original nursing plan, but I was glad I chose a school that still had it.
WRONG.
My school, as of this very year, is now phasing out of it's program and no incoming freshmen can be enrolled. What are the chances? I found this out just I was doing further research into midwifery options. My only choices now is to transfer and PRAY another program will accept me (since all of the ones in my state are EXTREMELY competitive) or finish my bachelore's degree where I am and get an A.A.S nursing degree at a community college, proceed on to my BSN, and then go to further school to get a CNM. No matter what, it's like wasting 4 years of tuition and time just to start over.
I cannot help but think this was a God's will; maybe I needed this so I wouldn't pursue nursing. Maybe he wants me to be a teacher, or maybe it's something totally different. I can't picture myself in many other careers. I feel like I may lack the authority to be a teacher and I dread the thought of student teaching since I know how my high school classes hated and disrespected all student teachers. However, as a teacher, I will make the same money as a nurse/midwife if not more with the incredible benefits the state pays in addition to the amazing schedule and vacation time I would receive. Which is good to think about for the future when I will someday have a family. I don't want my *future* (haha) kids to go to summer camps and day cares all summer because I feel God wants me, the mother, to raise them.
Sometimes it is so hard to stay on the path God has set out for you. It's like walking through a pitch black tunnel; you have nothing but trust in His guidance. I just need prayer right now! :(
WRONG.
My school, as of this very year, is now phasing out of it's program and no incoming freshmen can be enrolled. What are the chances? I found this out just I was doing further research into midwifery options. My only choices now is to transfer and PRAY another program will accept me (since all of the ones in my state are EXTREMELY competitive) or finish my bachelore's degree where I am and get an A.A.S nursing degree at a community college, proceed on to my BSN, and then go to further school to get a CNM. No matter what, it's like wasting 4 years of tuition and time just to start over.
I cannot help but think this was a God's will; maybe I needed this so I wouldn't pursue nursing. Maybe he wants me to be a teacher, or maybe it's something totally different. I can't picture myself in many other careers. I feel like I may lack the authority to be a teacher and I dread the thought of student teaching since I know how my high school classes hated and disrespected all student teachers. However, as a teacher, I will make the same money as a nurse/midwife if not more with the incredible benefits the state pays in addition to the amazing schedule and vacation time I would receive. Which is good to think about for the future when I will someday have a family. I don't want my *future* (haha) kids to go to summer camps and day cares all summer because I feel God wants me, the mother, to raise them.
Sometimes it is so hard to stay on the path God has set out for you. It's like walking through a pitch black tunnel; you have nothing but trust in His guidance. I just need prayer right now! :(
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