Whirlwind Week.

As you may have told by my posts, I have been being spiritually challenged lately. I've had a lot of anger, frustration, and extreme sadness building up over this past week and it has made me feel incredibly helpless. I really do not wish to bring anyone down, but from the bad comes the good. And this has been the way in which God has been teaching me to be the woman He wants me to be.

It started early this week when my mom's coworker took her own life. I didn't know her personally, but my mom seemed quite grieved by the loss. When I thought of the woman's family...her young daughters...my heart wrenched. How could anyone take their own lives? Especially when you have people who love and depend on you. I think I was worked up so much because I wondered 'what if that was me?'. If I lost my mom at all, especially in that manner, I don't know what I would do. I would be driven crazy by a broken heart. Then I wondered what happened to her soul. Life is not ours to take...

I didn't want to harbor on death so I tried to push it out of my mind. Until yesterday. My room mate has struggled with many temptations all her life (S, D & D). We got in a mini "fight" about something I believed could be immensely detrimental to her health and she confided in my a secret she has not told anyone else. As she let out this secret, I just started crying. I knew there was something going on, but I never wanted to hear a confirmation. I look at her and I see a body & soul racked with pain, confusion, hopelessness...it tears me to pieces I cannot even explain. I feel like I am watching her deteriorate before my eyes and I don't know how to help her besides prayer. At that moment, I felt God's purpose for me here. I knew our placements were not a coincidence. If anyone here has the power to reject the sin on this campus it's me, but has encouragement come too late for her? I don't know if she wants to change, at least not yet, even though she knows the fate she is facing. I've taken her to church and group meetings with me, but she feels like God has turned on her. She feels such shame and isn't ready in her heart to repent yet, so she's essentially given up on God until she is "older".

I feel such pain for her, but I don't know how to help. Do I just keep living my life the Catholic way and hope she can find strength in my example? I can't force her to change her ways. She's hit rock bottom and still won't surrender. This is a lot for me to handle...I almost feel responsible for her.

And to top it off, I recieved an email that a young lady I know from a camp I volunteer at is possibly facing the end as well. She has a month of painful treatments and then...that's it...it's up to God. She's had special needs all her life and has had to compromise on so much in life...on things we take for granted. And now God might take her away completely?

I sit here, so incredibly blessed, while others are haunted by demons, disease, self destruction...and I feel helpless. Helpless over my own life, which I know is all in God's hands, but also over the lives of loved ones. Through all of this I have learned to simply love and appreciate every moment. I just fell on my knees, crying out in thanks for all I have. I don't deserve any of it, yet He blesses me each and every day. The only thing He asks, and the only thing I can give Him, is my love and my life. Love is easy to give, but I don't know how to give Him my life & service. I see the lost sheep all around me, I see hurt and weakness, but I am dumbfounded as to how to help them. How can I get through to them before it becomes too late?

Pray that He sends me guidance or answers...or at least comfort during this trying period. I know through the pain will come the strength. I know He has plans for me and lessons I need to learn. It's time to grow up.

May the Lord bless you all this weekend & keep you safe.
~RA

Eternal Hell

I kind of researched my last post more in-depth today. I've felt truly grieved over the reality of an eternal place of damnation for those who do not accept Christ, but this website put it in a light I have never thought of before.


Click Here for the site if you're interested. I'm in a weird phase in my life at the moment as I am living with a few thousand young adults hailing from all sorts of backgrounds and lifestyles. The more I am allowing myself to look past the sin and love, the more I am exposed to their "ways"...I think they see my changes as me being open to experimenting, but I'm not. It's tempting sometimes to partake in their fun just because living the way I have been is l.o.n.e.l.y and I have so many memories from my past...it's probably not the best thing to allow myself to reminisce about, but I do sometimes.

I think I'm craving some sort of adventure...I just don't know where to find it. I also hateeee when I hear the same reactions people have about me: "you don't drink/smoke? you don't party? you won't hook up?....what do you do?" And I know none of those things would satisfy me short term or long term, but I am certain my life now is vanilla and only getting more bland by the second. These are supposed to be the most exciting and memorable years of my life (so I hear...) and so far, I cannot tell you one stand out moment or activity I have participated in. Clubs are not exciting, parties are not fun, and sitting home all night is utterly unbearable.

Please pray for me, I'll be keeping you all in my prayers
for a hopefully blessed and spiritually fulfilling week :)

Other Faiths & Damnation

I'm taking a religion class this semester. It is nothing like I expected it to be. I guess I never took into account how atheism is a "religion" and how it would be discussed. Today was strictly the attacks on religion and how many people see it as a relic of humanity's infancy rather than it's maturity. The teacher passed around some Dawkins, Jung, & Freudian books and just reading the synopsis and reviews on the covers made me cringe. The atheist message is just as urgent as that of the Christian's. We want to save souls while atheists want to "wake up" the religious of the world before we destroy each other over it.

I was really angry at first and questioned why I took this class, but I want to learn this material. I love religions *and I thought I would be studying Christianity, but he left it out of the curriculum* and I want to stretch my comfort zone and learn to be accepting of others. I noticed how judgmental I was last semester and this time around I want to be as inviting and loving as I can be. I read a Catholic article the other day about how we don't need to be spreading our faith like many Protestant's do...by force...but we are responsible for explaining the faith when ASKED.

On the flip side of this "lessened" duty, I was thinking about firm believers of other faiths and how they do reach out to others. How people change religions every day in every country...how many faiths there are and how many subdivisions stem from each body. There are thousands of belief systems on this one planet. If there is one faith and one faith only, where does that leave 90% us? When we look at Christianity alone there are thousands of denominations and if narrow is the path to heaven, are the majority of sects just as unacceptable to God as Hinduism is? I don't understand the purpose of satan and the creation of false faiths. That is, in my opinion, the greatest burden we face as Christians. Finding the right way to God. We all disagree on countless details...is there even a way to determine what is truth and what is not? Why would God leave us here to find Him ourselves with so many options and our eternal existence on the line?

Being religious is comforting and easy when you live it out, but when you really think about God and His purpose for us, His plans in general, things become chaotic. Why does punishment for being wrong have to be eternal? One of my teachers this semester is openly gay and today in class a student blurted out "This class is so not for me! I cannot be here!" and he left. The teacher was so obviously hurt by this behavior and while I do not condone homosexuality, I thought this student's display was disgusting. No matter what his sins are, this man is very genuine and caring...but according to doctrine, he probably won't be saved. He is not repentant for his lifestyle. How can a person, who is so right in so many ways, be eternally tortured for the sins he committed in his short existence on earth?

I am in no way questioning my faith, because it is just apart of me now and I 100% agree with it, but I am just so frustrated with not understanding God and His purpose with creating us. How does He expect us to KNOW Him when we're so imperfect? It's like a scientist giving the cure for cancer to cavemen. We cannot minutely understand Him or His creation...so what's the purpose?

College...too much learning & thought!

Do Not Awaken Love Before Its Time

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 2:7


This scripture means a lot to me, as do the others that warn against giving away your heart too soon. It's so easy for me to romanticize this idea that I can hold my heart, body, and soul for that one man God has "planned" for me. What does one do when guarding the heart comes too late in life?

As many of you know, I am pretty young. Just a college student. But there was a time when I was not a Christian/Catholic/God believing person at all. And I met someone and had deep true feelings for him. I cannot express to you the anguish this has caused me over the past 5 years. The relationship was not built upon God, there was not foundation and nothing holy about us. We never even really "dated" because he was so wrapped up in sin. I have spoken about him before (maybe a few times) and he keeps coming back to haunt me. The pain and heartache I feel is very real and very physical and I don't know how to leave it behind me. The sins I committed in my past...I feel like...were never forgiven. If they had been, I wouldn't be here with a broken heart...one that seems like it can never be whole again.Why can't I be freed from this prison if God wants me to be pure for Him and my future husband?

When I was first coming around to Christianity again, I asked God to send me a sign, like in Genesis when Eliezer asks God to reveal the right woman for Isaac by offering him and his camels water. I asked God to change this boy's heart (as we had been fighting & were not talking for weeks) and call me IF, *and only if*, he wanted him in my life for a reason, if he was my "one". And it happened. Out of no where, he contacted me. I was confused because this coincidence made no rational sense aside from the fact that I had asked God for this, if it was His will. How could this be His will if this boy was not even a Christian? All I knew was I loved him even though everything about him was WRONG.

Come college, this boy and I had not talked for months and he calls asking for another chance. I had been the perfect one he wanted all alone, he would change for me, he wanted to go to church, etc. I believe I even blogged about it and how I was OVER him & his "chances" and his lies. I thought and honestly believed God had healed my heart, but the pain hit me like a load of bricks again today completely unprovoked. If this is a demonic thing...a temptation I need to overcome to become pure, I feel it is incredibly unfair. I become so drained and physically rundown when this happens. I lost control over my heart before I found Christ...and now I feel like I have lost it forever.

If this is a test, I really cannot bear it. I can't handle this burden alone, I need God, and time and time again I have asked Him to take the reigns in this area of my life, I am too weak! But where is He? Did my past mistakes really doom my future of purity and happiness?

Creationism/Evolution and Idolatry!

I have some quite random thoughts & questions for today. All of which stem from watching the Duggars on TLC. (I realize I mention them a lot, I don't watch much tv so the shows I do watch I talk about :D)

In the one episode, the parents bring the children to a creationist museum and some of the exhibits and subject matter boggled my mind! I tend to hold the Catholic view (and this has always been my thought, no matter what denomination I was researching) that however the world was made, it was designed so by God. Meaning, I won't denounce evolution...Genesis almost sounds like an evolutionary process to me. Anyways, Jim Bob stated that the world WAS created 6,000 years ago, and obviously does not believe in fossil records or carbon dating. They also seemed to agree that humans lived during the time of the dinosaurs...huh? I believe they are Baptists...but is this all the "norm" in creationist thought? A lot of religious bloggers seem to take sides, like you have to adhere to either creationism or evolution. Are there any creationists here? If so, I would love to hear the reasons for these beliefs. Why do you distrust science/the accepted age of the earth? Why can't science be apart of His design? And where did the dino theory come from?!

*This is an honest & sincere curiosity, I am not trying to fight or disprove your beliefs. I just want to understand this viewpoint because, to be 100% honest, I never really looked into or cared to research this topic! eek!

The next part of my post is about the Protestant view of idolatry. I have heard time and again that the Catholic statues of Jesus, Mary, & the saints is idolatrous and pagan. I haven't really thought about Protestant "idolatry" until Michelle Duggar (on the mission trip episode to El Salvador) told Jim Bob their Nativity Scene had been blown over due to the weather. (Also, one of the kids had a shirt with Jesus' face on the back.) It hit me that I know MANY Protestants who have manger scenes and life sized nativities on their lawn at Christmas time. Why is this an acceptable statue or depiction of Jesus and Mary+Joseph, but Catholic statues are not? Maybe there are misconceptions as to what & how the statues are used in the RCC and that is what the protest is all about.

I had a guy send me a picture of Catholics on their knees in front of a Mary statue and he said this is obviously a picture of worship, thus "proving" Catholics are idolators. Now, I cannot argue that in some countries, and even in America, Catholics mix old religious practices (like in Latin America & Africa) with Christianity and this does result in praying to statues, etc. But, from what I gather & believe, the statues are like pictures we take. I can have a picture of my mom holding a dog and when I look at it I remember her, the human being, and the things we did that day, etc. I don't believe that picture is my mom, I don't talk to the picture and expect her to converse with me. It's not her. Similarly, statues and holy artwork reminds us of the Jesus and the saints and what they did for God and the faith. They are not objects that house the soul of the saint or anything...we know it's just stone/wood! We use them as tender reminders, as a picture of loved ones would, because to Catholics, the saints are family and role models. We are all connected in the Living Body of Christ. And we don't pray to saints; we ask for prayers from them. Like I would ask you to pray for me.

So...yeah, comments & thoughts are always welcome & appreciated!
Have a great week everyone, I'll be moving back into school & starting
my life back up again away from home. Oh joy! (heehee, just pray for me!!)
~RA

Emblems/Attributes

Some saint-based websites I visit give the stories, feast days, pictures of the saints, and attributes/emblems. I had never heard of this...what are their purpose?

For Saint Rose of Lima, her "emblems" are a crown of roses, an anchor, or a city. Are they for artistic purposes? For example, in my asian art class at uni, the lotus flower was a way in which the artist referred to amida & the afterlife.

food for thought~

Newthings!

Sorry for the mess, I've been changing my blog and profile around. I have tabs up left & right, deleting things, adding things, tweaking things. Every time I feel a little satisfied, I change my mind. So I think I need to take a little break from the changes...hope you all enjoy!



Good song ;)