The Vacation (+dun dun dun+) Part 1

Hello my lovelies, I am finally home and oh so relieved to be back! Normally I dread coming home from vacation, but this week was just not for me. School is just around the corner (next week! gah!) and the last thing I really wanted to do was go away. I wanted to be with my friends from home before school starts and see my extended family, you know, the little things!

But alas, every year my family takes this trip to the beach...with another family. We've known this family for about 10 years and they're very nice people, but as kids grow up into adults, personalities that once fit can start to clash. I do volunteer work for this family, as their daughter has a rare tragic disability. They have a whole camp for children and adults who suffer from this disease and I like to do what I can for them. Now as a result of the isolation and suffering of this disability, some of the kids seem to have emotional issues. I don't know if it's really attributed to their lifestyle, or if it's a reflection on their home life, but I have had my fair share of being verbally abused by these kids, sexually harassed by these kids, and drained by the stress and frustrations it takes to just volunteer.

Over the years, the experiences I have dealt with at this camp have made me a bit bitter. Just interacting with the campers makes me so thankful I have been given so many blessings from God, but at the same time I don't know how to reconcile my anger. I know many of them don't realize the hurt they put others through, as their pain is so significant itself, but if it were any other healthy teenager, their behavior would be classified as atrocious and unacceptable. For the most part I see past their disability because I have grown up around this particular family, and so I hold them to a higher degree than maybe I should.

So as we drove to this vacation, after just having finished volunteering at the camp a week prior, I was already in a weird place. I wanted to relax and enjoy the beach, but I also realized I had an obligation to help with their daughter and I just wasn't "up" for it (which I am ashamed to admit!) This girl is a year younger than me, but you'd never be able to tell. We were always so close when we were younger because I found her fascinating, she was so creative! Her imagination was surreal and really put my artistic "prowess" to shame. As we grew up, I started to separate my imagination from reality more and more, whereas she seemed to sink deeper and deeper into hers. For her, the line separating reality from her dream world is blurred and I don't think she can tell the difference between them anymore.

I wish I could say I enjoy spending time with her, but it's really difficult. The hours spent with her are always an attempt to keep her safe-both physically and emotionally. On top of that, I had to play a babysitter role a lot to her 6 year old brother (who can be quite the manipulator! Little boys can be a handful!!)

The thing is, I wanted to spend the last few weeks with my family. I wanted to treasure our time together and not have to spread myself thin just to keep these kids entertained. By mid-week I was just so frustrated! That was when I wrote up my last post. Immediately afterwords, I prayed for patience and compassion, manned up, and just hung out with her. I let her tell me stories about school (which were all fabricated tales-interesting in their own right though) and we had dinner together. I think she enjoyed me giving her advice about school and all those teenage/girly things and I felt a real peace in my heart.

Jesus never promised me vacation time in my life, but He did promise me trials and commanded me to have a servant's heart. So by taking up my cross and serving this creation of His, I did see my vacation brightening up!

Mid-Vaca Update

This vacation has been not as relaxing as I had hoped, but it's definitely a God given trial. I'm learning so much about receiving each day with thanksgiving, even though I know I'll be doing things I don't want to do. I need to look past my own frustrations and desires and see the blessings around me, or I will miss out on them. He is faithful to send me blessings, even in little things like the landscape/views, time with loved ones, & good food!, and I seem to focus on the bad or the "hard".

So out with the negativity and in with the joy! (If only it were so easy...!) I'm trying, but I cannot say I enjoy what I have to do (or would want to do this again...) and I feel guilty about that. I want to serve God, but sometimes things seem so unfair.

Update: (wow that was fast! haha) I had a mini revelation, God is so Good!! In a moment of expected frustration, my heart was softened and I think I was truly of use to someone. We serve an awesome God, so when the going gets tough, always know our prayers are tougher! More on this whole ordeal when I get back.

Please keep me in your prayers,
I just want a better attitude and a servant's heart.
Love always,
RA

Salvation & Where it Lies

All this contraception talk & advice has got me thinking heavily about the varieties of opinions we have within the Body of Christ. Christians are all united in the belief of Jesus Christ, yet we struggle to agree on little points here and there, and this causes little splits within the once unified Body to occur...and ultimately this was what happened to the RCC & the Reformation.

I absolutely adore the richness of the Catholic faith and how much wisdom & nourishment I have received since returning, but I also love Protestant takes on certain subjects. I enjoy watching TBN sometimes, reading Christian blogs, reading/watching Christian encouragement from preachers like Joel Osteen or Ray Comfort & Kirk Cameron. And sometimes I feel a little guilty because these people do criticize Catholic teaching & sometimes even question the salvation of Catholics. But on the flip side...I keep being told "there is no salvation outside of the Church". I have always struggled with this teaching...I don't know how sound it is to begin with (correct me if I have been misinformed).

The only truly religious young people I know at school are Protestants, and my cousins who have been dealing with a huge tragedy have all seemed to find comfort outside the RCC and in Protestant churches. I can't blame many people for leaving the faith because the churches (in my area) do a poor job of explaining the faith & making it accessible to this generation. On top of that, I feel like Protestants reach out more to people (though sometimes this can be a bad trait). But then I get frustrated because I cannot discuss Catholic topics with them, or they point out the "wrong" parts of my faith and how that's not Biblical. I hate the fact that I always have to be defending, rather than growing & learning.

And when I allow all these thoughts to swirl around in my brain, I come to the point of exhaustion: why does it matter?

Who cares where someone finds a deeper faith in Christ, as long as they are being truly nourished? What it all comes down to is that Jesus commanded us to love God and accept Him as the messiah & savior, then we will be saved. So why do the churches (Catholic & Protestant) have to attack one another? Why can't salvation alone unite us? We all have different ideas & opinions on authority over the faithful, on contraception, on scripture, etc because we're humans & we are imperfect creatures. God promised hell wouldn't prevail over the church, but we will always be lead astray & it is impossible to say who is wrong & who is right because we're all sinners.

I just sooo wish we could be One in Christ again.
Peace & Love,
RA

(ps- I will be taking a short leave for a family vacation. enjoy the summer!)

Attention: Content in Christ Giveaway!

I have been made aware of not only a great blog for Christian encouragement, but of a fancy little giveaway. 17 year old blogger, Lindsay, of Content in Christ is having an Etsy giveaway in which one lucky participant will receive a beautiful handbag/tote of their choice. I am so floored by these bags, as I have tried, and failed, at making projects like these :P

Well this motivates me to take those sewing classes I have been meaning to sign up for...I really do value this skill and envy all those who have mastered it already. Teach me your ways!!!!! haha!

Well peace & love always,
don't forget to check out her blog!
RA

NFP & Contraception

This may turn out to be a short post, as I have some baking to do and just not all that much to say. I'm at a weird place in my walk because I haven't been able to avoid the question of birth control and contraception use in the life of a (married) Christian. For those who do not know, the Catholic Church prohibits the use of contraception within a marriage. Married couples are to respect the ultimate reason we are able to have sex: to produce offspring, and we are not to inhibit this process in anyway, as it is disrespectful to God's design and to life itself. They do endorse NFP (natural family planning) to space the number of kids-this technique follows the woman's cycle, as to avoid her most fertile days (from what I gather, I am no expert!)

Now I watch a lot of EWTN and they have had many programs, comments, and references to respecting life in all its forms-whether that be on the topic of abortion or even married couples planning families. I never really paid much attention to the latter because I am only 19. I have no spouse & no potential boyfriend, so children are obviously the last thing on my mind. However, I am very pro-life. It truly rips at my heart when I hear how many abortions take place in the USA in a single day...in many (not all! I still don't know where I stand when it comes to rape and incest...the trauma involved is so intense, I'm sure anyone would consider aborting :/) situations, abortion is the easy way out. This laziness and self-centeredness is like a plague in our society and we have become desensitized to the utter disregard for life. But, on many of these Catholic shows I have also seen a very serious disdain for birth control/contraceptive users as well and it boggles my mind a bit.

I need to use birth control for medical reasons and I cannot help but feel guilty and fearful for the future. Even when I am married I think I may need it, but then again I don't know how long I want to be on it anyway. I know the Church allows it for medical purposes, but there are so many factors to consider and I am just a confused mess. And it makes me think: Do I even believe in this rule? Why is it so bad to control the size of a family this way? (If everyone throughout history didn't use some sort of BC we'd all have tons of kids and who knows what the world would look like now because of it)

As we all know I am a HUGE 19 Kids & Counting fan. The Duggar family believes in trusting God to control the size of their family and thus they use absolutely no birth control. I love this series, the family is so beautiful, but I know I could never do that myself. And now, as I am a returned Catholic, this topic has a whole new meaning and an added importance. I need to figure this out because it could be hard to reconcile in the future when I am married. So why is this a rule in the Church? I find it hard to trust NFP because many women don't have regular cycles (myself included) so there could be a huge chance for error there (not that children are errors!).

Do any of you, regardless of faith, follow this rule of no contraception? Does the thought of possibly having 10+ kids scare you? I would like to hear all opinions-even if you think this is an utterly ridiculous way to create a family...I am open to all thoughts & criticisms!

Love always,
RA

Feast Day of Saint Alphonsa

Hey everyone, just popping in to wish you all a blessed feast day!
On July 28th, we remember Saint Alphonsa and the holy life she lead as an example to us.

Last night my mom and I were watching Spice Goddess on the Cooking Channel and we were inspired to make an Indian dish. We always like to try new recipes and we have never made any Indian food before (I've never even had Indian food period). And as I was going online to print the recipe for dal, I simultaneously googled Indian Catholic Saints...just to see if there were any.

To my delight (and utter surprise) there were a couple! St Alphonsa was the first one I clicked and her story really spoke to me and my spiritual journey at the moment. She struggled through much of her short life of 35 years: first with the death of her mother followed by a series of illnesses that took a toll on her both mentally and physically. However these struggles drew her closer to Our Lord, as she had a great devotion to the Cross, and her pains & sufferings she shared with the suffering of Jesus on the cross. [Her suffering was shared with Christ, not apart from Him.] This shared bond deepened her faith and understanding of the Catholic life and how all Christians must suffer to truly appreciate the sacrifice of our Lord. So naturally, Alphonsa welcomed all suffering and was said to have had euphoric trances afterward. She was later quoted saying that she believed her life was to be an oblation to God. She wrote “Since only grief and suffering have fallen to the lot of my Spouse, I too lovingly embrace them, and my soul is at peace, though my body continues to be tormented. For the last seven years I have ceased to be my own, being given over entirely to my Divine Spouse. You know all that; and now let the Lord do as He will with me. It is not a cure I am anxious for, but only that His Holy Will be fulfilled in me.”

What a trust she displayed! I can only hope to someday attain such a complete devotion and trust in Christ. In the midst of utter darkness, all she saw was the goodness of God. How amazing! She's a great role model to keep in this area of the Christian life & struggle (& a great person to remember if you are sick! She went through a lot of that).

She believed in dying to one's self so that Jesus can fill us with His goodness instead, and that has been something I have been working on for weeks. Dying to one's self, becoming humble, and accepting suffering with joy has been the hardest part of this walk for me, but this summer, that has been exactly what I have been practicing and praying for. Praise God for sending me this encouragement!

Her prayer is as equally beautiful as her story:

"Lord Jesus, hide me in the wound of your sacred heart. Free me from my desire to be loved and esteemed. Guard me from my evil attempts to win fame and honor. Make me humble till I become a small spark in the flame of love in your Sacred Heart. Grant me the grace to forget myself and all worldly things. Jesus, sweet beyond words, convert all worldly consolations into bitterness for me. O my Jesus, Sun of Justice, enlighten my intellect and mind with your sacred rays. Purify my heart, consume me with burning love for you, and make me one with you."

So as you can imagine, when I read her feast day date last night, I was floored! It was the next day, the 28th (today). And to top it off we planned to make dal for dinner today and I think it's a sweet coincidence and a nice way in which I can remember this remarkable woman!

Eastern Rites

Sorry about the absence...again!

I have been studying quite a bit lately. I'm taking a class on Russian culture next semester (as I've always had this insane obsession with the Romanovs as a child) to get rid of a general ed. requirement and I cannot help but be super excited. So excited, that I went straight to the bookstore & picked up some Tolstoy to read in the meantime.

In doing so, I discovered Tolstoy was actually a very radical Christian believer. He was very determined to separate himself from the teachings & traditions of the Russian Orthodox Church, as he had his own interpretation of Jesus' sermons & parables.

So as I read Anna Karenina I am excited to see this man's interpretation of Christianity, as this novel is semi-autobiographical (says the back of my book haha) since Tolstoy infuses his characters with his own qualities, struggles, behaviors, and spiritual questions. I am also intrigued by the influence of the orthodox church. I follow an Orthodox blogger or two on here and, during Lent especially, I saw how different our traditions & worship can be. I am very drawn to their sacrifices during Lent (no meats/cheese etc I believe...they even have special cookbooks for fasting families because of the intense restrictions!) and wish I had the will power to give up such luxuries...and God willing I will be able to someday.

This then got me curious about the Eastern Catholic Rites. I believe John Paul II said that the RCC breathes with 2 lungs: The West & the East. Such a cool visual. Just thinking about the immense diversity and powerful tradition that lies within the single body of the Catholic Church thrills me! I am so big into different cultures, languages, traditions-and most importantly, religion. This just combines all my interests into one! I know there is an eastern rite catholic church near me, I'm just too nervous to go.

I hear that ER services are much like the Orthodox services? In which case I would have no idea what to do...on top of that this one is in a different language I'm pretty sure! I don't want to interrupt or ruin the mass by being uneducated as to how they conduct things.

Has anyone here ever been to an Eastern Rite service? Or an Orthodox service for that matter (if they're similar in any way??)? Was it nerve racking, did you know anyone there? How did the mass go? Can I even attend a mass if I am not from that rite? What rite am I...Roman rite, right? haha ahh this is so confusing, but it's a whole new world I never really realized was here!

Exciting! So just beware I may be lurking around more
or simply posting about my findings instead. Woooooo!

Please send any info you have/know because I am a novice :P
Love & Peace/Pax/Salaam always
RA