I Have Some Explaining to do...

First and foremost: I Apologize.
I meant to keep this a running blog, but as soon as my journey began it seemed to end. As you know, I created this blog to network, so I could sort out my spiritual walk. However, I also began speaking to a friend of mine again, a boy who used to be joined to my hip, about God. It was that small and seemingly meaningless conversation that threw me through a loop this summer.

My friend, we'll call him Simon, told me he only believed in angels and that angels had protected him thus far in life. I was not satisfied with that answer, but our "Is there a God" debate was fruitless. He was adamant to reject my beliefs, he didn't want to own up to he sins, though he insisted that if there was a God, he would forgive him for his mistakes...as if the Lord owed him anything. I met him three years ago and I have deeply cared about him ever since, but his life began spiraling downward. I had to detach myself before he pulled me down as well, but I always felt guilty leaving him behind. Why was it that I was called to the Lord and called to change my life while he had to suffer within his own cruel world? I had everything. I had a family, I lived a comfortable lifestyle, I was blessed in every way he was not. The odds always seemed to be against him in life. Simon had taught me so much in the past that I felt compelled to share God's love with him...again, knowing full well he'd reject it. And he did. But for some reason, I asked God "Why?". I was angry, hurt, frustrated, why couldn't he save Simon like he saved me? And soon enough my faith was gone. I felt like this impenetrable wall had been built between my faith and myself. I couldn't explain it, I was frightened and in that desperate period I tried reaching out to every Christian and Messianic blogger/group I could. (By the way, I was a little disappointed that many of my Christian sisters did not bother to respond to my questions at all.) I felt trapped, I felt alone. I continued to pray, hoping that the coming day would bring me my spark back, God would answer, he would find his sheep that had strayed accidentally. But he didn't, not for a while at least. I really cannot describe the pure fear I felt every second of each day... I was learning to drive over the summer and each time I got in the car I had visions that this would be my last trip. I wasn't meant to live, I had nothing. I literally feared leaving my house. I would search the web for these visions of death...it ruled my life. Just rewriting this experience scares me to the core. It was as if something had infested my brain.

I don't believe there was a pivotal moment that changed anything. However, by the grace of God I was slowly released from my prison. I think we need to see the very worst to appreciate the very best, which is our savior. I couldn't accept his gift because I was too worried about Simon. He had been called, he just chose to remain in his own hell. He sees how blessed he is, he shouldn't be alive today. However, instead of embracing the spiritual spark God sent him, he reached out to "angels" because he didn't want to own up to a higher power. I can see now that Simon's stubbornness is what's enslaving him to a miserable life. I need to choose the light, not just for my own serenity, but for the pleasure of God, the one who has given me so very much in such a short time. Sometimes I feel like I've taken his gift and ran with it, while my family and friends seem boggled at the starting line. What's keeping them from truly loving God? I know we all express our spirituality differently, and I do not judge their walk with God...but I feel so alien to them. The way they mock my faith and try to get me to conform to the world, while still being a "Christian", truly hurts. I'm at yet another crossroads, but I know with God there is always an escape. Praise his name!

There will be more blogs. I have a renewed faith in the Lord. A truly TESTED faith. And I am ready to share my story, learn from my brothers and sisters in Christ, and leave my old life behind.
Shalom & Love to you & yours always <><