I am a young girl striving to separate herself from the allure of the world in the hopes of attaining a peaceful & God-fearing life. I would love to share my experiences as a testimony to my faith. May God keep you all. Pax Vobiscum.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sorry Again.
I had this elaborate plan to post on Good Friday and Easter last week and when that failed, I had wanted to give a few little updates on my life & spiritual journey, but that was a bust. I find it hard to balance school and my blog now...as the semester is winding down and assignments are flooding in non-stop. I thought I would get a break, but no such luck.
On top of school work wearing me out, my friends are running me down even more. There have been instances of personal property being tampered with (my own unfortunately), people gossiping any chance they get, and people directly their liberal comment at me. I don't want to hear their opinions, so why do they force me to listen?
I'll be eating lunch and one of them comes up to me and tells me if the Catholic Church would just accept gays & homosexuality and not force celibacy on priests, children wouldn't be abused. OK so you're telling me that all these priests, who are presumably gay, were FORCED to be religious men and practice abstinence? Thus any gay man on the planet who takes a vow of chastity will become a pedophile and that is suddenly NOT the individual's fault, but the Church's?!!! We just suppressed his sexual identity and now the evil church should pay for his sins.
And then we were reading an article about a teen who had a baby and now resents him and ponders what her life would have been like if she had an abortion. I'm sorry, but that is SAD. You have a precious baby and now think "if I had gotten rid of you sooner, I could be having fun right now!" Selfish. But my friend had to pipe up and tell me how sorry she feels for the girl, that baby ruined her life! If she was in that situation, abortion would have been the only option.
I become so enraged when I hear these things. I don't even respond to them anymore, I just shrug to them, or make an excuse to leave the room. I'm trying to practice patience and forgiveness, but it's so difficult in this atmosphere. Maybe God put me here for a reason...He knew I needed work in these areas and He sure picked the best suite on campus to get me practicing. I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just so sad, so often being here. I get frustrated with God sometimes...I just want a break from these people, but I can never escape.
Please pray for me, that I get through this semester a better Christian and a better person.
I don't want to become bitter!
Peace & Blessings always~
RA
On top of school work wearing me out, my friends are running me down even more. There have been instances of personal property being tampered with (my own unfortunately), people gossiping any chance they get, and people directly their liberal comment at me. I don't want to hear their opinions, so why do they force me to listen?
I'll be eating lunch and one of them comes up to me and tells me if the Catholic Church would just accept gays & homosexuality and not force celibacy on priests, children wouldn't be abused. OK so you're telling me that all these priests, who are presumably gay, were FORCED to be religious men and practice abstinence? Thus any gay man on the planet who takes a vow of chastity will become a pedophile and that is suddenly NOT the individual's fault, but the Church's?!!! We just suppressed his sexual identity and now the evil church should pay for his sins.
And then we were reading an article about a teen who had a baby and now resents him and ponders what her life would have been like if she had an abortion. I'm sorry, but that is SAD. You have a precious baby and now think "if I had gotten rid of you sooner, I could be having fun right now!" Selfish. But my friend had to pipe up and tell me how sorry she feels for the girl, that baby ruined her life! If she was in that situation, abortion would have been the only option.
I become so enraged when I hear these things. I don't even respond to them anymore, I just shrug to them, or make an excuse to leave the room. I'm trying to practice patience and forgiveness, but it's so difficult in this atmosphere. Maybe God put me here for a reason...He knew I needed work in these areas and He sure picked the best suite on campus to get me practicing. I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just so sad, so often being here. I get frustrated with God sometimes...I just want a break from these people, but I can never escape.
Please pray for me, that I get through this semester a better Christian and a better person.
I don't want to become bitter!
Peace & Blessings always~
RA
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Long Absence
Hello again fellow bloggers!
Ok so my little hiatus was jam packed. Not only have I been busy, but my mind was pre-occupied and I didn't feel worthy of writing religious material when I was in such a funk.
A little while back, I posted how my room mate was mad that I didn't participate "correctly" at the party we went to, and told me I was too religious. This comment really stuck to me and I began to question my own identity, first and foremost as a Christian, but also as an individual...a simple human being. I was unsure if I was living my life simply to fit a mold or because this was what I wanted. I immediately tried to strip myself of anything stereotypical "Christian", while staying in the limits of morality. I went shopping for clothes I wouldn't normally wear (ex: shorts, skirts that rise a little above the knee, some tank tops, and tankini bathing suits), I tried flirting more and participating in the "girly" talk/gossip with my room mates, and I started to question my stance on love: who should be able to love? how should we love? how far is too far in the physical realm for a single girl like me?
Now this has only been going on for about 2-3 weeks and I noticed drastic changes in myself. I thought I was staying in my moral boundaries...just breaking the idea that all Christians must conform to this ultra-modest, ultra-strict lifestyle. I don't think anyone else noticed the changes...except for me, because they were emotional changes. My once confident self (in terms of body image) was suddenly looking at my body as a strange & imperfect enemy. I started to see "problem zones" and had the urge to fix them now. I knew right away something was wrong because I had overcome this battle since becoming a serious Christian. My weight had ceased to be an obsession for over a year and a half, I just focused on health, not the vanity. I also felt this guilt when I would make comments about certain guys...critiquing them like everyone else. I was objectifying another human being for what? A stupid game? I was allowing impurity into my heart...straying from my focus on God and my life as a single young woman. I was disappointed with myself...but this was what I wanted. Experimentation in finding my true self.
One of my room mates asked me if I would ever break my purity vow to have sex with this handsome foreign exchange student...and I couldn't even react. It was like 'what are you doing?' The thing is...I couldn't even answer it. I was so absorbed in "fun" of this game...of connecting with my room mates for once.
And then someone posted Romans 12:2 on their blog:
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
And I realized how off the straight and narrow I had gone. I didn't even like the person in the mirror. I lost my confidence, my direction, and my strength. The "old" me (the one from...a few weeks ago hahaha) was the real me. I wasn't blindly following a Christian stereotype...I was responding to the weight being placed on my heart by the Lord. When I felt like I needed change in my life (whether modesty, head-covering, character, etc) I would research, study the Bible, ask more experienced Christians...and that "conformity" was to the will of GOD, not a cult! Just because many Christians share the same habits and lifestyles does not make them wrong or stinted in creativity...we're living a life devoted to God and His Will is perfect and ONE. Meaning similarities will arise in our communities. I don't need to blatantly stand out and act differently for the sake of individuality's sake, nor do I NEED to conform to beliefs (Christian or not) that I am not sure are right for me and for the path God is leading me on. I need to stick to the discernment God has equipped me with.
I'm still working on fixing the damage I created (it spiraled so fast!) and I am unsure about some of the clothes I bought. My policy was always "to the knee!" so my capris, skirts, dresses...all went to the knee. Even my bathing suit which was board shorts and a surf guard thing. And now I have 3 pairs of shorts and 2 bathing suits. I feel like the bathing suits are ok...modesty on the beach (for some reason) is always different than "on land". But am I willing to compromise my modesty for a simple beach standard? I'll give it a try...I can always wear cover ups if I feel uncomfortable. This is all a learning process...God just needs to lead me. And I will NO LONGER let the words of others (especially the opinions of my room mates, who cannot even grasp the happiness I have in my God and His ways) deter my from this life...from righteousness. I'm ashamed I let it happen, but I was afraid of becoming a bigot...from becoming a Christian who scares off non-believers rather than draws them in.
Pray for me! (not only for guidance, but for the crazy amount of tests I have this week!!)
Peace always~
RA
Ok so my little hiatus was jam packed. Not only have I been busy, but my mind was pre-occupied and I didn't feel worthy of writing religious material when I was in such a funk.
A little while back, I posted how my room mate was mad that I didn't participate "correctly" at the party we went to, and told me I was too religious. This comment really stuck to me and I began to question my own identity, first and foremost as a Christian, but also as an individual...a simple human being. I was unsure if I was living my life simply to fit a mold or because this was what I wanted. I immediately tried to strip myself of anything stereotypical "Christian", while staying in the limits of morality. I went shopping for clothes I wouldn't normally wear (ex: shorts, skirts that rise a little above the knee, some tank tops, and tankini bathing suits), I tried flirting more and participating in the "girly" talk/gossip with my room mates, and I started to question my stance on love: who should be able to love? how should we love? how far is too far in the physical realm for a single girl like me?
Now this has only been going on for about 2-3 weeks and I noticed drastic changes in myself. I thought I was staying in my moral boundaries...just breaking the idea that all Christians must conform to this ultra-modest, ultra-strict lifestyle. I don't think anyone else noticed the changes...except for me, because they were emotional changes. My once confident self (in terms of body image) was suddenly looking at my body as a strange & imperfect enemy. I started to see "problem zones" and had the urge to fix them now. I knew right away something was wrong because I had overcome this battle since becoming a serious Christian. My weight had ceased to be an obsession for over a year and a half, I just focused on health, not the vanity. I also felt this guilt when I would make comments about certain guys...critiquing them like everyone else. I was objectifying another human being for what? A stupid game? I was allowing impurity into my heart...straying from my focus on God and my life as a single young woman. I was disappointed with myself...but this was what I wanted. Experimentation in finding my true self.
One of my room mates asked me if I would ever break my purity vow to have sex with this handsome foreign exchange student...and I couldn't even react. It was like 'what are you doing?' The thing is...I couldn't even answer it. I was so absorbed in "fun" of this game...of connecting with my room mates for once.
And then someone posted Romans 12:2 on their blog:
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
And I realized how off the straight and narrow I had gone. I didn't even like the person in the mirror. I lost my confidence, my direction, and my strength. The "old" me (the one from...a few weeks ago hahaha) was the real me. I wasn't blindly following a Christian stereotype...I was responding to the weight being placed on my heart by the Lord. When I felt like I needed change in my life (whether modesty, head-covering, character, etc) I would research, study the Bible, ask more experienced Christians...and that "conformity" was to the will of GOD, not a cult! Just because many Christians share the same habits and lifestyles does not make them wrong or stinted in creativity...we're living a life devoted to God and His Will is perfect and ONE. Meaning similarities will arise in our communities. I don't need to blatantly stand out and act differently for the sake of individuality's sake, nor do I NEED to conform to beliefs (Christian or not) that I am not sure are right for me and for the path God is leading me on. I need to stick to the discernment God has equipped me with.
I'm still working on fixing the damage I created (it spiraled so fast!) and I am unsure about some of the clothes I bought. My policy was always "to the knee!" so my capris, skirts, dresses...all went to the knee. Even my bathing suit which was board shorts and a surf guard thing. And now I have 3 pairs of shorts and 2 bathing suits. I feel like the bathing suits are ok...modesty on the beach (for some reason) is always different than "on land". But am I willing to compromise my modesty for a simple beach standard? I'll give it a try...I can always wear cover ups if I feel uncomfortable. This is all a learning process...God just needs to lead me. And I will NO LONGER let the words of others (especially the opinions of my room mates, who cannot even grasp the happiness I have in my God and His ways) deter my from this life...from righteousness. I'm ashamed I let it happen, but I was afraid of becoming a bigot...from becoming a Christian who scares off non-believers rather than draws them in.
Pray for me! (not only for guidance, but for the crazy amount of tests I have this week!!)
Peace always~
RA
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I'm Sorry!
A new post is long overdue, and I am sorry I haven't had the time to get on here, let alone write a meaningful post. My schoolwork seems to come in waves...some weeks there will be little to do and then others (like now) will be so chock-full I feel like I am drowning.
Please bear with me while I make time to post!!
Blessings always~
Please bear with me while I make time to post!!
Blessings always~
Friday, March 12, 2010
Saint Gertrude the Great (again!)
I cannot help myself, I have found such encouraging pearls of wisdom while studying this woman's life and role in the Church. Apparently she was never truly canonized, but in 1677, Pope Clement XII instituted her feast day. Neat eh? Anyway...
On a website, I found a quote I want to share, in which St. Gertrude had a vision and spoke to God. She asked Him that people have less distractions, so they can focus more on prayer, and He answered her "It does not matter to me whether you perform spiritual exercises or manual labor, provided only that your will is directed to me with a right intention. If I took pleasure only in your spiritual exercises, I should certainly have reformed human nature after Adam's fall so that it would not need food, clothing or the other things that man must find or make with such effort."
How moving is that? I keep rereading it in awe, as once again, it applies to my life directly. Today as I was coming home, I thought about how much I have failed to do my rosaries and meditations, especially when school gets busy, and I just got down on myself. It's like God is sending me these little bits of encouragement so I don't lose sight of what is really important.
This website is truly a blessing, despite the fact it is merely a page long. Please, please, please if you have the time, read it!! There is such hope in the paragraph about Purgatory (and the prayer given to her from God) and in the conclusion of the Sacred Heart. I have never imagined the Lord's pierced Heart in such a manner...being so close and hearing Its pulses...amazing! I cannot stress it enough!
I am so lucky to have come across this incredible woman!
St. Gertrude the Great, pray for us.
Peace to all~
RA
On a website, I found a quote I want to share, in which St. Gertrude had a vision and spoke to God. She asked Him that people have less distractions, so they can focus more on prayer, and He answered her "It does not matter to me whether you perform spiritual exercises or manual labor, provided only that your will is directed to me with a right intention. If I took pleasure only in your spiritual exercises, I should certainly have reformed human nature after Adam's fall so that it would not need food, clothing or the other things that man must find or make with such effort."
How moving is that? I keep rereading it in awe, as once again, it applies to my life directly. Today as I was coming home, I thought about how much I have failed to do my rosaries and meditations, especially when school gets busy, and I just got down on myself. It's like God is sending me these little bits of encouragement so I don't lose sight of what is really important.
This website is truly a blessing, despite the fact it is merely a page long. Please, please, please if you have the time, read it!! There is such hope in the paragraph about Purgatory (and the prayer given to her from God) and in the conclusion of the Sacred Heart. I have never imagined the Lord's pierced Heart in such a manner...being so close and hearing Its pulses...amazing! I cannot stress it enough!
I am so lucky to have come across this incredible woman!
St. Gertrude the Great, pray for us.
Peace to all~
RA
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Latin Significance
My parents always say how "in their day" much of the mass was said in Latin and my dad (who is no longer practicing) always brags that he still knows the Latin prayers. I remember when I was younger and our Church incorporated some Latin music once in a while, my mom would get excited because she remembered the lyrics and simply loved the songs.
Now that I have made the U-turn in my spiritual journey and have returned to the Church, little aspects like this intrigue me. (also I love languages and once part of MJ-ism I loved was the Hebrew prayers; I still recite the Sh'ma in Hebrew) I love the Salve Regina video I posted a few topics back, and I have been listening to some other Gregorian chants and Latin "tunes" on youtube. They're very peaceful and so incredibly beautiful. On one of the blogs I follow, the blogger, a young Catholic mother, recites the rosary in Latin to her child before bed which soothes her to sleep unlike any other technique. I have keep hearing about the Traditional Latin Mass, although I have never been to one or heard of one before the internet lol Has anyone ever been to one? What is it like? I heard women have to cover their hair upon entering ;) My kinda mass!
I think there's something very unifying in language. Muslims insist a convert learn Arabic to fully understand the Qu'ran and prayers, Orthodox Jews recite their services in almost all Hebrew, the Amish use High German/PA Dutch,and so on. I have been looking at the Latin rosary lately, I find it quite lyrical!
*****
I haven't been keeping up with my rosaries this Lent, but I have been doing well with the other sacrifices. I had a quick question though, why does the RCC not count Sundays during Lent, but the Orthodox does? (I thinkthey don't...but even so, their Lent is much more challenging, they go Vegan basically! I cannot imagine...especially here at school, there is simply no way!) I read in my church pamphlet that Sunday is a celebration for us and that we are not allowed to sacrifice on this joyful day, is that universally accepted? Do you break your Lenten fasts on Sunday?
Peace always,
RA~
PS- Just a quick update, I just wanted to let everyone know once again how incredible God is!! My faith has truly been cleansed and renewed these past 2 months here at school...I cannot even describe how close I feel to the Lord after really delving into the Eucharist, the saints, and coming around to Mary. It's like a completely different spiritual level than I have ever experienced and I regret putting it off for so long. But God is good! baruch HaShem :)
Now that I have made the U-turn in my spiritual journey and have returned to the Church, little aspects like this intrigue me. (also I love languages and once part of MJ-ism I loved was the Hebrew prayers; I still recite the Sh'ma in Hebrew) I love the Salve Regina video I posted a few topics back, and I have been listening to some other Gregorian chants and Latin "tunes" on youtube. They're very peaceful and so incredibly beautiful. On one of the blogs I follow, the blogger, a young Catholic mother, recites the rosary in Latin to her child before bed which soothes her to sleep unlike any other technique. I have keep hearing about the Traditional Latin Mass, although I have never been to one or heard of one before the internet lol Has anyone ever been to one? What is it like? I heard women have to cover their hair upon entering ;) My kinda mass!
I think there's something very unifying in language. Muslims insist a convert learn Arabic to fully understand the Qu'ran and prayers, Orthodox Jews recite their services in almost all Hebrew, the Amish use High German/PA Dutch,and so on. I have been looking at the Latin rosary lately, I find it quite lyrical!
*****
I haven't been keeping up with my rosaries this Lent, but I have been doing well with the other sacrifices. I had a quick question though, why does the RCC not count Sundays during Lent, but the Orthodox does? (I thinkthey don't...but even so, their Lent is much more challenging, they go Vegan basically! I cannot imagine...especially here at school, there is simply no way!) I read in my church pamphlet that Sunday is a celebration for us and that we are not allowed to sacrifice on this joyful day, is that universally accepted? Do you break your Lenten fasts on Sunday?
Peace always,
RA~
PS- Just a quick update, I just wanted to let everyone know once again how incredible God is!! My faith has truly been cleansed and renewed these past 2 months here at school...I cannot even describe how close I feel to the Lord after really delving into the Eucharist, the saints, and coming around to Mary. It's like a completely different spiritual level than I have ever experienced and I regret putting it off for so long. But God is good! baruch HaShem :)
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