Frustrations

The title says it all. I am down right frustrated. As you know I am leaving for college soon and I have been trying to plan the clothes I'll take. I want to start my college years modest, since it was hard enough transitioning in high school. I don't want people to question my sudden style change mid-way through the year and freak them out like I apparently did with my friends from hs. They ended up thinking I was crazy and that made them question my spirituality rather than respect it. I want to be accepted for my beliefs in college and I want to stay modest not only for the above reason, but for my own vanity and the possibility of sliding.

Every time I have gone to a college function, I have noticed the male population. Wham! back to my old ways. But when I take the time to dress modestly, I am more aware and conscious of my behavior. Modest from the get-go almost sends the message that I won't be playing those games anymore. The plan sounds good so far right? The only problem is implementing it.

My closet has pretty much stayed consistent throughout the years. I take good care of my clothes, that's why they last so long. However, 75% of it really doesn't measure up to the look I am striving for. I have jeans, but they aren't loose. Not like incredibly tight, (though I do have 1 pair of skinny jeans) but they show my figure a little too much. Which is ok if I have a longer tunic/shirt dress over it. But I only have a couple. And most of my shirts are form fitting or too short or too low cut...it's just so FRUSTRATING! Most of my modest clothes come in the form of good old maxi dresses, flowy skirts, and some cardigans. But those don't seem practical for winter. (any opinions?)

Building up a modest wardrobe is expensive. And I am a VERY frugal person. But it's all adding up. I try and get my inspiration from muslimahs because they are always modest and normally so chic. Most Christian conservatives tend to dress like the amish...and while I respect that...I don't want to look amish :( HOWEVER. I can never do it! My scarves never wrap right (usually because of fringe or beading, since I bought them with the intent of wearing them around my neck, not over my hair.) My one pair of modest pants make me look like a box and my shirts seem to follow suit. I think I need a pocket hijabi to help me with my shopping and styling. For a girl who used to be very fashionable, I am finding it hard to maintain my fashion sense while at the same time hiding my figure. And that is FRUSTRATING!

And apart from the technical aspect of being modest, I am frustrated with the outright rejection I am getting from the Christians around me. I thought I met someone from school with the exact beliefs as me, but now as we talk, he's revealing how he thinks we as Christians should blend in with the world. How else will we gain converts? UH HELLO! We are called to be a separate people; set apart and holy. I don't think wearing a wash cloth for a dress, going trick or treating on Halloween, or forgetting the laws of the Bible will make God happy OR win over nonbelievers. Because *ahem* I lived that way for years and I didn't "save" one soul. Uhg. He just made me feel like a zealot.

I don't understand why the world hates when a Christian tries to follow their Bible to a "T", but respects the piety of most other faiths. Who am I kidding? It's not even the world who hates practicing Christians, it's fellow "Christians"! That's where I get the most flack. It's like your faith must be left behind in the Church pew every Sunday and if it even tries to peak its ugly little head out of the Chapel doors, there will be hell to pay! I don't see my loneliness subsiding anytime soon either. My college is pretty liberal. I wouldn't be surprised if the bible study club shied away from me too. I wish there was a Christian Ummah in a way. You find nothing but piety in practicing Muslims.


Sorry about my rant. It's the only way I can release this anxiety without questioning my journey entirely. This is all going to escalate in difficulty once I am living in a dorm room. My study will be out in the open, my praying, my head covering. And it's not even the rejection I am afraid of, since I am very used to it...but it's the thought of being all alone. That I will never be able to get over. I need some face to face Torah interaction so that at least I know what I am doing is real. That is has some purpose or meaning for YHVH and his plan.

Matt 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. "

Hebrew Songs

I am currently "youtubing" it and wanted to share some favorites with you :-)

This is a clip from the movie The Prince of Egypt when the Jews are being led out of slavery. I sooo adore this song! The Hebrew is so beautiful and I get the chills listening to the words!



And this one is a Hebrew lullaby called Hashkivenu; it's very lovely and very calming. Baruch HaShem.

How can Christians understand Jesus without understanding Judaism?

So a few days ago I bought a book called Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus by Ann Spangler and Lois Tverberg. I started reading it today and am only 40 pages in, but already I have learned so much! The authors show how while modern day Christianity is beautiful, it is missing such a huge portion of God's heritage; the culture and faith that shaped the way Jesus taught. That's why the parables we read from the Bible confuse us, because we read them from the 2009 American/European perspective and not an ancient Jewish one.



There are techniques and styles of teaching within the New Testament that made sense to its original audience; something that has been heavily lost through time. For instance, many rabbis of Jesus' time would quote the Torah and or make references to a certain scripture throughout the day- whether it be for teaching, making a quick and sharp retort, or subtly making a point known without coming out and saying it.

The authors show this in a situation (a tradition used throughout the centuries) between a modern rabbi and his student. The student had betrayed him and the rabbi said to him "Banim gidalti veromumti" which in English means "I have raised children and brought them up." The student had no idea what he meant by this remark, but he knew it was taken from Isaiah, so he went home and found the passage. The full piece reads "I have raised children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me." To a Jew in ancient times, if someone had said such a thing, the full message would have been understood. All Jews, whether rich or poor, man or woman, child or adult, studied Torah HEAVILY. (I was surprised to read even women were encouraged to sit in on discussions and many were educated enough to debate the rabbis and spiritual elite!) It's like today if someone says "Up yours." we don't have to ask 'up what of mine?' we know where and what they mean; it's just part of our ways.

So the authors proceed to show how this is relevant in the Bible. At one point in Matthew, Jesus had been healing and teaching in the temple and crowds were gathered cheering. The children shouted "Hosanna to the son of David" and this p*ssed off the priests. They confronted him and asked if he realized what these children were insinuating. And Jesus says "Have you never read, 'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?" Matthew 21:16 Yeshua is quoting Psalm 8:2 here. "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies to silence the foe and the avenger." This psalm means God's glory is so immense that even the innocents of the world, the children, innately praise and worship him; which thus shames those who hate the Lord.

There is also one other chapter I wanted to share from this book. Peter asks Yeshua in Matthew 18 how many times he should forgive someone who wrongs him; should he forgive him seven times? In Judaism, the number 7 represents completeness: a point many Christians miss. Peter is asking if he should completely forgive those who sin and wrong him. Yeshua responds "seventy seven times" Now hmmm, what is he saying? I should forgive someone 77 times and then at 78 it's done! I will get my revenge! No, he is quoting Genesis 4:24 where Lamech says "I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me; If Cain is avenged 7 times, then Lamech 77 times." This essentially means, cross Lamech and you will not only receive the COMPLETE payback you deserve, but 77 times more. He will rip you to shreds. Yeshua uses this scripture to teach us as Christians to be as Lamech, but only in FORGIVENESS! When you are sinned against, you should not only be quick to forgive the sinner completely, but to be eager to douse them in your mercy. Put as much passion behind your forgiveness as Lamech put behind his vengeance.

Wow. How amazing! I never read that scripture that way before, I never knew exactly what Yeshua was getting at, but I knew it was good. However, I much prefer having the knowledge of the Jewish culture and tradition equipped to me when I read my Bible than reading it as a 21st century westerner. "Good" does not compare to the magic you get from Torah. I wish I had the knowledge of a Jew from this time; having the Torah written in my heart, mind, and soul. I wish I could read Yeshua's teachings and small hints and go "Aha! I know exactly what you are quoting from and the meaning it has in this situation!"

All this in the first 40 pages! Needless to say I am itching to read the rest! I highly recommend you buy this book!

Off to College in less than 15 days

I am a bundle of nerves as my move in date for college approaches. Not only am I scared of living away from home, with a suite of 9 girls who can't wait to "par-tay", but I am also afraid that I picked the WRONG college to go to. Since sophomore year of high school I always envisioned myself in the health care system as a nurse practitioner or a midwife, but I decided I needed to be in a school that had diversity enough to where I could change my mind if I wished. All of the schools I applied to had a nursing major and also education (teaching), which I have been torn between. In my senior year of high school, my careers teacher told me she almost became a nurse, but the sheer terror of the situations she faced made her quit. Since then I was weary of my original nursing plan, but I was glad I chose a school that still had it.

WRONG.

My school, as of this very year, is now phasing out of it's program and no incoming freshmen can be enrolled. What are the chances? I found this out just I was doing further research into midwifery options. My only choices now is to transfer and PRAY another program will accept me (since all of the ones in my state are EXTREMELY competitive) or finish my bachelore's degree where I am and get an A.A.S nursing degree at a community college, proceed on to my BSN, and then go to further school to get a CNM. No matter what, it's like wasting 4 years of tuition and time just to start over.

I cannot help but think this was a God's will; maybe I needed this so I wouldn't pursue nursing. Maybe he wants me to be a teacher, or maybe it's something totally different. I can't picture myself in many other careers. I feel like I may lack the authority to be a teacher and I dread the thought of student teaching since I know how my high school classes hated and disrespected all student teachers. However, as a teacher, I will make the same money as a nurse/midwife if not more with the incredible benefits the state pays in addition to the amazing schedule and vacation time I would receive. Which is good to think about for the future when I will someday have a family. I don't want my *future* (haha) kids to go to summer camps and day cares all summer because I feel God wants me, the mother, to raise them.

Sometimes it is so hard to stay on the path God has set out for you. It's like walking through a pitch black tunnel; you have nothing but trust in His guidance. I just need prayer right now! :(

A day of headcovering

So yesterday was kind of a big moment for me. I made my first step towards headcovering in public! My family doesn't really even approve of the level of modesty I hold myself to, so I didn't exactly explain why I was wearing this scarf. They thought it was just an accessory and seemed to like it. Anyways, I always heard that Muslim women get stared at a lot in public, but I never thought it would happen to me...on this day, because my scarf was not half as big and it kind of matched my clothes. It looked like this:

Now it wasn't like people were looking at me continuously, but I got stares here and there. Especially at dinner. haha. This girl next to me could not stop. Even when I caught her, she would still be looking me up and down. It reminded me of the other day when I was wearing a maxi dress with a shirt under it and these 2 women who were dressed in barely-there tank tops and tight spandex pants gave me the "I'm judging you" eye. Uncomfortable moment, but I lived. I hope this modesty stuff gets easier! I have realized though that recently I haven't been falling into my old mindset when it comes to fashion of trying to impress others, especially guys. I feel like my mind is being covered as well ;)

In my quest for spiritual relief, I had a question about legalism. You hear this term thrown about a lot in Protestant churches and even from some Catholics, but I never truly understood the meaning. Legalism is the keeping of the law to EARN salvation. I could see the problem in that, however if we see fellow Christians keeping the law out of love...how can we condemn this?

Here is a passage I found from www.apuritansmind.com:

"So we see that there is a large gulf between what it means to be Legalistic (keeping the Law for salvation) and obedient (keeping the Law because we have been saved). We need the Law to show us our sin. We need the Law to direct us into righteousness. We need the commands of Christ which are laid all through the Scriptures to further our sanctification and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord (Heb. 12:14). Salvation does not depend on keeping the Law, but rather, our salvation is seen in us when we do keep the Law."

And I can see from my past mentality that I was keeping the law and looking down on those who didn't...which is one step from falling into the pit of legalism. But as I have spent these past few weeks ignoring the law and not reciting my Shema in the morning and at night, not celebrating the Shabbat on Friday nights into Saturday, and forgeting Kosher eating, I have felt lost. I felt like I was defiling myself. I never once thought I had lost my salvation; NO WAY! I just felt empty.

So the other day as I was looking for modest clothing websites and this one site separated lines by religion which I thought was odd, but cute. As I looked through the lists: Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Catholic.....Messianic. I was like ahhh! How did messianic get that much notice?! I was giddy to say the least...so I peeked out of curiosity. Looking through the tallits, tichels (headscarves), tzit tzit...I melted. The site also had a link to other messianic sites and one was to a children's webpage. It had characters that taught about the Shabbat and other Biblical holidays. I was immediately drawn to the Rosh Hashana page because this holiday will always be a biggy in my life. Last September (2008) I had my drivers test on Rosh Hashana and I had been trying to stay Catholic at the time so the holiday was not on my calendar. The night before I was heavy in prayer due to nerves (I was a new driver and I didn't want my friends to ridicule me for failing a test they all passed) and I remembered what the next day was...

Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year; a time to prayer for forgiveness and start a new beginning in one's life. Similar to our new year's resolutions. It's also a day of joy and anticipation: apples and honey symbolize the hope God will grant us a sweet new year. I meditated on this and decided I would do extra bible reading to remember rosh hashana the next day. Pass or fail, I would accept God's will with my license and I would glorify him on a day he himself Sanctified. As I parked the car the next morning, my instructor said "You passed"; without looking at me once. I was like... "I..I what? I passed?!" in utter shock haha (Which probably made the woman think she made the wrong decision...hahaha) A flash of all the mistake I made during the test came over me...how I stopped the car mid-3 point turn and said "I'm so sorry if I am doing this wrong!" How I failed to parallel park great, and how the kid before me who failed tried to sabotage me by opening his door in the middle of the street. I gave my worried parents a thumbs up from inside the car; they later told me they thought I failed since I parked the car horrificially at the end...hey it was a crowded street! :)

Anyways the point is, despite the numerous mistakes I made; I trusted YHVH and promised my loyalty and gratitude no matter what. Even though to you guys a drivers test doesn't seem like a huge deal, to me it was. Peer pressure beyond belief, not to mention I did not want to take the bus my senior year!! Through my trust I was passed; my acts surely did not merit it. The hope he gave me that day changed me. I hadn't had such a life changing experience before; I had never needed to trust God so much in my life before. No matter what though, I wanted to praise God by celebrating with him on his new year; Rosh Hashana. Needless to say, he granted me the sweetest new year I could have ever pictured. Better than any apples and honey could provide.

I love many aspects of the RCC and I think God has drawn me to it so I could figure out why it is I love to keep the Torah. I do it because I am free to and I can show him my love and recieve the blessings he has given through his holy and sanctified word! I also needed a good kick in the bum about judging that which I did not understand. But I needed this middle ground; I cannot stress over laws to maintain my salvation...but then again by ignoring them all together I am doing my soul no justice. My soul longs for Torah. I haven't intentionally eaten pork in years and shellfish (my pre-salvation favorite!) makes me physically ill. I anticipate every Erev Shabbat and joyfully love resting and studying the word on Saturdays, but Sunday morning services leave me feeling dry and needing more. It's like a cliff hanger and I always pine for my Shabbat. The one that is clearly stated in the 10 commandments. The one Jesus himself celebrated.

I don't think I can ever be a Catholic again after I have spent the last 3+ years as a "messianic"; better yet, don't categorize me, a Torah follower. The Bible makes sense with the law, it's not longer a giant walking CONTRADICTION. And the Catholic dogmas, while not the satanic practices I once thought of them as, don't fulfill my spiritual needs. The rosary is a good meditation device, but I can't bring myself to devote my life to any person...not even mary. Mary was a great role model, and so are people like Oprah & Kirk Cameron, but I wouldn't make a devotion for them. There are many aspects of the Church I love, like infant baptism and the worldwide unity, but in my heart, I'll never have the satisfaction I gain from Torah. It's like being with a man whom you don't love, but like. Enjoyable to a degree, but wrong in every other aspect.

I've never felt at home in Church, as much as I wish I had. I'm not giving up on my quest...but the research I am doing, and have been doing on and off for a while, always leads me back to Torah.


Pray for me!
~Rose

Long Over-Due Post

Ooooh boy it's been a while since I lasted posted here. I have 2 blogs and the other one I'm thinking I'll delete because it's confusing and it makes it harder for me to remain motivated in my blogging. So sorry about the long break.

I've received a few questions about what my faith is exactly, from people on different websites. This is hard for me to answer because for so long I've just been a flat out Christian. I was raised, and still am, a confirmed Catholic, however after 9th grade (2005) I became fascinated with Judaism and ended up becoming a practicing Messianic, which is a Christian who follows the Old Laws of the Bible. While most of those laws are easy to keep, it's really impossible to fully follow. That was the whole purpose of the messiah; God showed us what sin brought upon us and he gave his Son to free us from the curse we could never uphold.

During my hiatus I decided it was high time I stopped judging religions from the outside. My Catholic parish never catechized me, I knew nothing of the faith and yet I bashed it. So I bought a catechism. Through reading the official teachings of the Church I have come to understand the outright lies I was believing from online idiots...for lack of a better word. I was one of those idiots. The saints, the rosary, the celibate lifestyles of the clergy, confession...I twisted their purpose and validity. Most of the traditions are taken straight from the Bible itself and what many Christians fail to realize is this is how the original believers practiced. The church is 2,000 years old, like it or not. Baptists, Anglicans, Presbyterians, Anabaptists, etc aren't practicing the way the first christians did.

Now here is where I started to run into some trials. If, after my research is done, (which could be after college, or during, who knows!) and I choose to be a Catholic for good, I have many challenges I'll need to address. I believe in following a religion to a "T". Not like my family does...they are self proclaimed "cafeteria line catholics"; they pick and choose what they want to believe according to how it fits their lives and comfort levels. I on the other hand am a take it all or leave it all kind of person. If I take it all...then I have to dress according to catholic guidelines. Which means I cannot wear pants. period. and my skirts have to reach a certain level and my shirt sleeves must be elbow length AT LEAST. Not to mention I plan to cover my head.

Holy Smokes!

I have been battling over what modesty truly is and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with what I may have to do and change. I remember one girl, a muslim, said she didn't care if people thought she dressed weird because she didn't fear them...she feared God! That made me so utterly ashamed in myself. If I dress for God and fear him alone, then I should not have a problem dressing the way he wills it. Not matter if it's 90 degrees out or two below zero.

Please pray for me! Help me find the direction God wants me to follow
Praise & Glory be unto Him, the most High
~Rose