Friday, September 4, 2009

I should be reading right now, but...

I'm sorry it's been a while since I've posted, I've had so much work to do. Most of my school work is reading, and not just little passages, but lengthy chapters and articles. I read more in one class alone than I used to overall in high school. It worries me that come test time, all this reading will mesh together and I won't remember one class or article from the next. I don't know what to expect with college exams and grading...YHVH willing I'll be fine and retain it all.

Aside from the work, I've just been feeling really run down. This morning I had trouble getting out of bed because I felt so nauseous. It's a good thing I'm leaving for the long weekend. One of my friends here is going home and not coming back though, which upsets me. She was an awesome person, but she said the independence was too big a step and she's transferring to a local school where she lives. It makes me think of how scared I was when I came here and how I was actively looking for a way to stay home and commute to a university in my town.

I felt very unready to live away from home, from my security and privacy, and especially the freedom to delve into religious life. Here things are much harder...I lost a lot of my privacy and have a harder time keeping God in my head at all times like I used to. But right before I came I prayed extensively and asked for his grace, that I may love it here. And I really do; somehow my fears vanished as soon as my parents left campus. The peace I felt was, and is, something this girl lacks. She was very vocal about hating church yada yada, and look where she is now. I couldn't imagine not having God's comfort in my most trying's something many Christians take for granted in their lives. I can't even imagine the last time I faced a struggle WITHOUT the peace of God running through my makes me pity those who have turned from Him. I didn't lose freedom by adhering to God's word when I became a Christian, like many of the secular students here believe, I gained an arsenal of love, protection, guidance, and mercy.

Oh and even though this is getting off the above subject, I did go to the Catholic ministry here at the beginning of the week. My friend went with me and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I thought it was a little odd playing ice breaker games and singing...but then again I have never had a religious group to practice my faith in. I think my own aprehension and discomfort stemmed from the fact that I had to become vulnerable. I have to be vocal with my faith in this club, I need to share my experiences and praise God in public. Something I really have never done outside of mass. I said I wouldn't go back...but I think I really should. What use am I in this spiritual walk if I can't open up? I can't practice my faith in my own personal bubble forever. I need ministry, I need to be an instrument.

May God bless you & yours~

1 comment:

caraboska said...

This sounds like a good, stretching experience for you. And it's good they are open to that kind of giving testimony. It's probably a safer atmosphere to practice giving testimony, so that when you have opportunities with people who are not necessarily believers or who otherwise disagree with your views, you'll be better prepared God willing.