Today was kind of a failure for me. Not the the entire morning or the afternoon...but around now. I'll post later on how my first Ash Wednesday went, but for now my heart is burdened & needs some answers.
I've been so low energy from fasting today that I have been falling asleep a lot...and I have had some completely disturbing dreams. I was so monstrous in these dreams I cannot even explain...sinning in almost every way possible. When I woke up relief washed over me when I realized it was just a dream. I've also been trying to control my thoughts recently which has been a spiritual battle ground and it's like I am living in a world of sin all in my mind and subconscious. Then tonight I just caved & sinned...completely deliberate. I knew it was wrong & I still went through with it. And as a result I am so unbelievably ashamed.
I have a test tomorrow and should be studying like crazy, but I cannot get my mind off how weak I was spiritually and how I let myself intentionally sin against God on a HOLY DAY! It's been all around a bad day & a day of testing (which I'll explain tomorrow in my Ash Wednesday post) and I thought I deserved a "break" (in my twisted mentality at the time). God forgives right?
Well apparently not in the RCC.
I went online and searched mortal sins and the list was endless. I am guilty of probably a good lot of them and apparently if you die without confessing these sins to a priest, you do not go to heaven. What the heck? What happens to asking for forgiveness & being forgiven? I am all for the sacrament of reconciliation, but if I were to die tomorrow, unable to get to a priest to forgive my sin from today...and the slew from the past...I would go to hell?
I'm really struggling with this. What are your takes on it?
your 100% human, sinner at heart,