On Being Single

For the longest time I have viewed being single as a not so important time in a Catholic's (or any Christian's) life. I had read some blogs by fellow young godly ladies who would rave about how special this period is with the Lord, and I just never bought into it. I figured that when you're single, you need to not only build your relationship with God alone, without the support of another helping you along the way, but you also have to battle the temptations that come with purity. I thought it was just one big giant test and when you've had enough YHVH will bless you and send your partner to you. That way you ALWAYS have the spiritual encouragement and love you really need to make it through this world firm in your faith.

This Monday however, I learned something much different. At my weekly Catholic ministry meeting, a couple came in to talk about Catholic dating and marriage. (A topic right up my alley!) They laid it right out for us: marriage is not a fairy tale. Now, I knew that marriage was going to have it's hard moments, just as any relationship has. But I don't know, it must have been the way they described it that caused me to feel this wave of revelation. They said when you're single you're actually in a relationship and that's with Jesus. This period is truly special and precious, and should not be wasted, as it mirrors a human marriage. In a "human" marriage you have to give yourself, 100%, to the spouse, and vice versa, because you are one entity. You need to share your thoughts, fears, mistakes, and dreams. Everything. Naturally, us girls all "awwed" but then they made the connection: this is what we should be doing now too, but just not with a man, but God. That's where our hearts need to be, we should be pouring our everything into our relationship with God, because when we get married, our priorities change. God OF COURSE comes first! But now you have another soul to care for and share with.

This talk kind of brought me up out of my daze and I felt a little guilty. I've been severely neglecting my prayer life lately (though I have been covering everyday...weird how I let that happen). I pray every morning and everynight, but I haven't been doing a daily rosary, or read my Bible. I'm not spending the quality time with my Savior that I should be. College is really chaotic, I was worrying over my H1N1 vaccine, I've been trying to cope with my separation anxiety, dealing with my moody room mates, second guessing my French major because I am worrying if I can realistically become fluent in the 4 years here, and second guessing my school entirely...I'm so overwhelmed. These aren't excuses for cutting out God-time, but it's where I am at right now. I so desperately want to leave school, leave getting a degree/job, and travel to Norway where I can get a little cottage near the fjords and devote every waking minute to my faith. That'd be paradise. But alas, that all costs $$ and I am but a broke college student. So in reality, I need to push through this semester and make every effort to start back up.




Bottom line: all the single ladies, don't ever take for granted your single-ness (haha) because as of now, you are all God's and he so desperately wants to share every moment with you.

P.S.- What is with this Copenhagen treaty I've been hearing about!?
Pax to All
~ R.A.

An Answered Prayer

So it's been quite some time since my last post. I really appreciated the concerns and advice you all gave me, and I'm glad to see my blog is reaching other faiths as well :) Even though we are practicing differently, we struggle with many similar issues and I hope to be more on an encouragement in the future. I need to toughen up and fight the battles this world throws at me so I don't get thrown off my journey home.

For a long time coming, I have struggled with temptations from an old friend. Before I was saved, I had a friend, we'll call him Ryan*, who struggled with alcohol and drug abuse along with sexual immorality and violence. He had a rocky upbringing and I always felt bad for him and his home situation, so you could only imagine how much more pity my heart felt after I found the love of Jesus on TOP of the love I already received at home. We were incredibly close friends and for a time, almost more than that. As I was being lifted from a life of sin, he was spiraling downward and we fought more and started to part ways. Despite the bad choices he was making and the man he was becoming, I prayed God would change his heart and bring him to the faith or change my heart and let me cut all ties with him. I missed having him in my life and I often would think of how awesome it would be to have him back as a Christian. I think I was really harming my own relationship with God by clinging to this hope because I was not letting Him take control of my life, I was trying to plan it myself. With all the progress I was making by simply trusting in His will, I was keeping myself back by not relinquishing my heart.

I was reading some scripture one morning on the topic of love and it really struck me:

Song of Solomon 8:4

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse of awaken love until it so desires.

I then read a blog about a young girl trying to keep her heart and every thought that entered her head pure. I had never truly realized how much I was sinning by hoping Ryan* would someday "come around" to the truth. But yet I still pushed it to the back of my mind. That was until a few nights ago when he out of the blue decided to call me. He brought up the good ole' times and we needed to catch up soon and get together. This felt innocent enough. He then reiterated how much he missed me and how he wanted to "hook up". I stopped it right there and told him I did not do that kind of stuff and that he knew not to talk like that with me anymore. He proceeded to ask more personal questions that I had to answer with "Not until marriage". I was getting disgusted until he said he needed a girl like me in his life and quote "I want to start going to church, I want to marry you". RED FLAG ANYONE? And yet I still let my clouded judgment get the best of me. He said church! I was floored and thought he must be turning his life around.

I prayed again, very passionately, asking for guidance. I felt in my heart that this was going to be a defining moment in this year long escapade and perhaps I'd finally be getting what I wanted: a new and improved, godly, Ryan*. I asked God to show me once and for all His will on this subject...to send me some sort of sign. And boy did I get it. I was reading something he had posted online, a song he wrote I guess, and it was basically a diss to his ex girlfriend about her leaving him and how he would give her another chance or else he was moving on. I was so angry! I had been a little toy in his scheme basically. My eyes were instantly opened. I had been forgiving these instances over and over because we had been such great friends in the past and I knew he had issues only God had the power to fix. I thought God was keeping him around for some reason, and maybe there was a purpose: to show me to let go of my own plans and let Him plan my life for me. I may have blogged about Ryan* before, but this is the first time I have felt empty of him. Rid of his pollution in my life.

The past week and a half has given me a renewed strength in my faith and a renewed power against the devil's little tricks and it was perfect timing too, seeing as I was finally able to overcome this GREAT obstacle that has been keeping me from YHVH. I asked for an intervention, and He provided it. He answered my prayer.

My Church group met yesterday too, hours after my revelation, and the military school guys came this week to visit us. Afterwards there was a rosary being held and I was about to leave when a friend of mine asked me to stay for it. I was really nervous and just seeing the guys made me feel like a fool (because of the Ryan* fiasco), but it was just the opposite. The prayer was intense and I felt so united. These were godly men, there was no temptation, no lies, judgement, or deceit. I feel so blessed once again and this time around, I will let YHVH do my planning ;)

Pax to you all!
~R.A

And with the Good comes the Bad.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and challenges. I have experienced so many blessings and at the same time, so many hardships. I feel like it is important for me to record my trials not only so I can look back and be encouraged by what I have already overcome, but also so I can relieve my pent up frustrations. I'm sure many of you have been here, seeing as I'm just a college student with little world experience.

*But before I begin, I have been informed that the Anglican Church is to be in full communion with the RCC. This totally took me off guard, but what a miracle! This is a huge milestone in our history as Christians. Story Here

So Mondays are my weekly meetings with my Catholic ministry group on campus and I was informed that Tuesday they were taking a trip to a neighboring college for fellowship and prayer. I was definitely planning on going, not only for spiritual encouragement, but for meeting students who share my values. My room mate usually attends the monday meetings, but when she said she would go to the tuesday trip too...I was shocked! She's not a very religious girl (she's very pro-abortion, pro gay marriage, doesn't attend church, hates when people take an abnormal interest in their faith, etc) so I thought maybe these meetings were changing her. The first month she would get angry with the topics the group adressed (like...abortion *sigh*) and she would make fun of people sitting in the room, of course in a whisper, but cmon!! We're here to praise God, not sin. I thought that maybe God was working in her heart and my perserverance through her tantrums in the meetings and her slandering tongue was finally paying off.

We had a blast at the college visit! Our ministry is primarily girls and the other school's is primarily boys, so we had a nice mix at this meeting. But as soon as we got home, my other room mate lashed out. She had had a terrible night, but the things she said broke my heart. She told us we had turned into Jesus Freaks (which is a title I gladly accept!) and that going to a religious meeting more than once a week was pathetic. She then proceeded to tell me her friend from our hall had ripped pages out of the Bible and burned the ones he disliked. I felt my heart sink...right down to the pit of my stomach. I had trouble holding back tears as she bragged about this disgusting act and then, to my utter ASTONISHMENT, I heard Laughing. Laughing. From none other than the room mate who attended the ministry trip with me just minutes prior. I realized at that moment that nothing had changed in her. She still hated the instructions of the Word of God. I had nothing to say. I couldn't bring myself to even react I was so distressed. It took them 15 minutes to ask what was wrong with me and all I could spit out was "I didn't think what he did was funny at all".

I felt like I had let God down. I should be a warrior in defending his Word and I let my emotions get the best of me. But what good would it have done if had better stuck up for my beliefs? Nothing would have changed. They would still be the same 2 miserable people they have been all year. They would just consider me a religious fundementalist on top of whatever else they already think of me. College is proving to be more difficult than I could have ever imagined, not for the work aspect, but for the social aspect. I'm sick of the gossip, the lying, the slander, the drunken idiots filling my dorm, the other morons high off of who knows what drug, and most importantly, the utter disrespect for God. I knew that in attending a liberal college I would be a religious minority, however I did not expect such disrespect. (what happened to the Liberal motto of "having an open mind" and being "accepting of everyone"?) I'm a laughing stock to them, my values mean nothing. I cry all the time now. My only comfort here is mass, my nightly rosary, and my ministry meetings. And the occasional visit home.

God has blessed me so greatly all week in helping me grow spiritually through the rosary each night, keeping me focused, calm, and prepared for ALL of my midterms, in providing for my little desires, and giving me such an amazing opportunity to meet new Catholics. I have it all and yet the moments above make it hard to remember that I am not doing this all alone. I have not been forsaken...I'm incredibly blessed by The Most High Himself!! I just need to take a step back every time I am feeling down and remember these things are minor and are only making me a stronger Catholic. (side note: a lot of the problems here at school are heavily linked to some ongoing dorm/suite issues, so although the issue above looks small, it was kind of like "the straw that broke the camels back")

I'm doing much better now. I am catching up on the Little Mosque on the Prairie episodes I have missed, Glee later, and un peu de devoir. (a little hw) I also had a nice trip out with my mom today :) It's always a blessing to have your parents around to keep you balanced in such a chaotic environment! Praise Yah!

I hope you all have a great week; enjoy the time you have with yout families, don't take it for granted. Because us college students miss the home cooking and our familiesss :P


Peace,
~R.A.

Modesty

So sorry! It's been 10 whole days, holy cow! I did update my last post with a small picture of the headcovering I tested out, as I got some curious feedback :D Tznius. com has a ton of cool head covering ideas, I wish I could try them all, but I'm a little nervous for some! I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I heard one of my room mates say I looked like a pirate the other day and I was a tad bit insecure. However, YHVH is helping me sail through my midterms, Praise His Name! and the covering thing has been easy all week(end). If you do visit the website I listed above, scroll toward the bottom on the page and click the ribbon style, I'll be trying this out either this week, or for mass Sunday. pretty, no?

Before I get onto my post on modesty issues that have been weighing on my heart, I want to mention I went to my brother's Confirmation this weekend. Which for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a ceremony in the RCC in which a teenager (who has received the prior sacraments) confirms his belief in Jesus and the church. When I made my own a few years back, my Messianic friends encouraged me to ditch it entirely, but I knew I couldn't. I ended up making the vows, except the last one which was the belief in the Church. (I think I mouthed the I do, but my heart wasn't in it) When the Confirmation candidates stood up yesterday and answered the "I Do" to the vows, I made my last vow, the one I previously neglected. So I feel I am a true Catholic now, not that I didn't before, but I feel this is where God has been leading me. I have reaffirmed my faith and renewed my mission on earth...to be a servant to God.

Now, as you all probably know, I have studied many aspects of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, and modesty has always been my favorite. The more I learned, the looser my clothes got, the higher the necklines became, and the longer my sleeves and skirts/pants became. There was one idea that always bothered me, and that was the "Skirts only" one. I have always felt a little pull from this topic, but I always pushed it away. I think pants can be feminine, and I don't think they break the command not to dress like a man. Watching the Duggars here at school (seeing as I get very few channels, and they bring my a lot of spiritual encouragement!) I noticed the girls only wear skirts, including Anna. This kind of resurrected my interest again. I know the Catholic Church had released a set of instructions YEARS back about how high necklines should be (3 fingers below pit of throat), how long sleeves should be (elbows), and that skirts are the only permissible lower garment and they should be to at least the knee. My messianic friend also goes by this policy and told me, pants show the contours of the leg/thigh/butt region, and that in itself is immodest. Not to mention, from her p.o.v, men respect her more as a Lady, and not a piece of meat. As much as I would love to wear skirts all year everyday (not even for modesty's sake), I know winters here are cold! Even where the Duggars are, there is a lot of snow. How could I possible wear a skirt? maybe layering pants/leggins under it, but still. What are your opinions on this? Do you wear skirts only? If so, what advice do you have for the weather issue?

I'm sorry if this post is repetitive or reminiscent of earlier posts, but I cannot seem to reconcile my thoughts on it! The sleeve bit too bugs me...I love long sleeves in the fall/winter/early spring, but come the sweltering summer, I need short sleeves! Is covering the shoulders enough? I can't tell...I always wear long sleeves to church, whether on their own or with a cardigan, but then again, shouldn't I uphold the same level of modesty in AND out of Church?

I know you all come from different walks of life/religion, so what are your modesty rules? (if you have any) How did you define what is modest to you?

Great Shalom/Pax to you all!

Head Covering Trials!

I will not lie...I have not been faithfully covering my head everyday like I originally planned to. I mentioned earlier I had trouble keeping many of my coverings on because my hair is pretty soft and the coverings would just slip off. So I ended up bobby-pinning them down with the aid of a few clips....and they still would not stay put! Not to mention, the multitude of bobby-pins really hurt. I was relieved to take off my covering and that's not the feeling I wanted to obtain through obedience to God's will. I want to be excited to cover each morning, I want to walk out of my dorm with confidence that I am an obedient servant of the Lord, I want to feel the constant reminder upon my head so that I can make as many Christ-minded decisions as I can. When I wear the veil, I believe I do make better decisions.

So yesterday, I sat down and thought about my situation. I knew my current route was not proving to be very fruitful. The wide headband coverings are nice, but I needed to start covering more head so that the veil stayed in place throughout my classes and my entire day. Especially during mass! I just didn't know what style to try because a lot of the ones I love (that cover a lot of surface area) are very ethnic/religious. I love the Tiechel styles the Jewish women wear, I love the Hijab of Islam, and I love the Catholic Mantilla. As I was thinking this...I kid you not, a girl walks by with a covered head. She's not religious, *I think*, but she wears this bun/wrap covering a lot and it's ADORABLE! It reminded me of a muslim girl on campus who wears a similar wrap, although it doesn't follow the full hijab code since her neck shows and her hair slightly does at times too. I immediately came to my room to try it out. And I loved it! I have a whole bag of scarves, in tons of colors, that I have been itching to use. The thing was, was that I was alone. I loved it behind the comfort of my locked door. I knew I had to show someone. I had to make a statement or else I would never leave my room and cover so fully.

I debated for a good 5 minutes whether or not I should even touch my door knob and announce to the common room my new "hair" style. I would grip the cold metal knob and then chicken out. I was nervous to the point of giving up; I was shaking and fearful of being rejected. My room mates already think I am extremely traditional and a little too religious as it was (when they learned I prayed the rosary, it was like Christian overkill!); would they attribute my head covering as religious fanaticism too? Out of no where, I swung the door open. There was no turning back. I had my hair completely covered in a pinky, silvery, blackish scarf while wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans. And I felt naked. All I could say was "How cute is this?" I was still shaking as I waited for their response and I could feel my cheeks begin to burn with embarrassment as their eyes studied me. My friend said "Wow, that is really cute!" Phew! I sighed quick, smiled, and told her how I saw a girl wearing her scarf like this outside and I wanted to try it. She said she had seen it before and liked it a lot. I was, needless to say, stunned!

I am so excited to wear this style to mass Sunday. I'll wear a bandanna tomorrow, they always stay put. The thing with them is, if I wear them too often, I'll look like a hippie. Or a biker chick. haha!

On some random notes...I prayed a rosary a little while before this post. It brought me to tears! I loved it! I kept thinking of the boy that gave the speech on the rosary last week, and how he said his teacher started praying the rosary during a hardship. His son was in the last stages of Leukemia and the doctors said to start preparing because death was inevitable. His son miraculously lived, graduated, and remains cancer free without any repercussions of the illness. How great is Adonoi? And how sweet is prayer? :) I also had my parents visit me last weekend and they bought me a crucifix necklace at a local craft fair here and I have been wearing it everyday. I simply love it :) And the Lord has been blessing me at every chance He gets here! I have handed in a paper (which I thought was cheesy and ... worthless) and the teacher gave me an A-. He said he NEVER likes to give A's to students, especially on the first assignment, but he loved me piece. I was speechless. And then I took a french test, which once again I thought I failed, and I got a 97.5! I was just about to give up on French too...maybe I am on the right path. But seriously, Praise His Name!! I feel very reassured at this stage in my life...even while all my friends are feeling the pressures of midterms, I am surprisingly relaxed. I am not afraid at all!

Here is what it looks like (I got the picture from tznius. com though)


I hope this update makes up for the lack of posts!
I pray that you all are enjoying life as much as I am
May Adonai bless and keep you all~
R.A

OH! and Congratulations to Josh and Anna Duggar on the birth of their daughter yesterday! How sweet, I cannot wait for that season of my life ;) If God wills it for me. heehee

Shout to the Lord

I haven't had much to post about lately. And unfortunately I am still very busy! So I wanted to post an uplifting/encouraging song. I love it so much! We sing it in the catholic ministry group I am in and I was excited to find it on youtube. I also found a version that American Idol did...which I thought was weird seeing as it says Jesus in it...but Amen to that! I'm all for public praising on tv :D

The Rosary & "The Journey Home"

I watched the Journey Home this weekend on EWTN (I love this show!) and was pleasantly surprised to see it was a Sweden edition. Normally the host talks to priests, nuns, men, and women who at some point in their lives, converted to the Catholic faith. I don't really consider myself a convert since I have always technically been Catholic, but I can really relate to many of the people on the show and the trials they faced spiritually before coming to a stable place. I'm hesitant to state I am 100% settled in my faith because each time in the past I felt grounded, something came up to make me question the Catholic Church or the practice of the OT law.

Anyways, this particular episode was AWESOME. The guests were a two married, normal, everyday Swedes who *obviously* converted. The thing with Sweden is it is predominately Protestant and most of its citizens are baptised into the Swedish Lutheran Church and live very secular lives after. The woman, Lisa Wetterberg, was born into an atheist family who never taught her about God so that "she could decided her religion later" and her husband Magnus was born Lutheran and didn't give much thought to religion in her adult years. Lisa, during her young adult years, converted to Catholicism and soon after met Magnus. Although he did convert years after their marriage, they married with very different religious views...she said "he is a catholic, he just doesn't know it yet".

When I heard that I was like "awwww" however, now looking back, that could have been a dangerous move. We are called to be equally yolked...and I know the Church says an interfaith couple can marry as long as the children are raised Catholic, but I could never do that. I was "with" a certain guy for a while and he even proposed to me this summer, but I knew I couldn't take any further steps with a non-Christian. I know so many Christian/Catholic women who married a non-religious man and slowly, I watched their own faiths decline. Are any of you married/dating someone who doesn't believe in your faith? Do you just pray for their conversion, do you fight a lot? I always wonder if, and secretly hope, he will (the guy above) find God someday, but I feel as if it is almost futile. Maybe I am wasting my time waiting when I should be concentrating on my own faith and eventually looking elsewhere. I know I am very young still, but it's hard to get past these old feelings.

Which brings me into the next part in which Lisa said she was very passionate in her early years and would cry at mass or during prayer. I started praying the rosary this week and last night I had a really moving experience. Just as the words came out of my mouth, I started to cry. I was reading the mysteries for the day as I prayed each bead and it just triggered some inner urgency within me, like I was praying for family and friends' souls. The Fatima prayer really fired my own requests, seeing as how the words paralleled my own intentions. This was a rare experience for me because I have never really gotten "emotional" during prayer, but if felt so real; like I was connected to heaven. This is extra weird seeing as I have always been wary of the rosary. Do any of you say the rosary? Everyday? Or what about the Chaplet of Divine Mercy? (I love this one, but I have lost my momentum by saying it everyday) Or do you have reservations about these prayers?

I hope to continue my prayers and my "Lust" for my faith as Lisa quipped in the Journey Home, but I also hope to achieve the "true love" that can endure the hard times, the questioning, and the trials that await me in the future.

I hope you all had and are having a great week!
May YHVH bless you with Great Shalom :)
-R.A