For a long time coming, I have struggled with temptations from an old friend. Before I was saved, I had a friend, we'll call him Ryan*, who struggled with alcohol and drug abuse along with sexual immorality and violence. He had a rocky upbringing and I always felt bad for him and his home situation, so you could only imagine how much more pity my heart felt after I found the love of Jesus on TOP of the love I already received at home. We were incredibly close friends and for a time, almost more than that. As I was being lifted from a life of sin, he was spiraling downward and we fought more and started to part ways. Despite the bad choices he was making and the man he was becoming, I prayed God would change his heart and bring him to the faith or change my heart and let me cut all ties with him. I missed having him in my life and I often would think of how awesome it would be to have him back as a Christian. I think I was really harming my own relationship with God by clinging to this hope because I was not letting Him take control of my life, I was trying to plan it myself. With all the progress I was making by simply trusting in His will, I was keeping myself back by not relinquishing my heart.
I was reading some scripture one morning on the topic of love and it really struck me:
Song of Solomon 8:4
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse of awaken love until it so desires.I then read a blog about a young girl trying to keep her heart and every thought that entered her head pure. I had never truly realized how much I was sinning by hoping Ryan* would someday "come around" to the truth. But yet I still pushed it to the back of my mind. That was until a few nights ago when he out of the blue decided to call me. He brought up the good ole' times and we needed to catch up soon and get together. This felt innocent enough. He then reiterated how much he missed me and how he wanted to "hook up". I stopped it right there and told him I did not do that kind of stuff and that he knew not to talk like that with me anymore. He proceeded to ask more personal questions that I had to answer with "Not until marriage". I was getting disgusted until he said he needed a girl like me in his life and quote "I want to start going to church, I want to marry you". RED FLAG ANYONE? And yet I still let my clouded judgment get the best of me. He said church! I was floored and thought he must be turning his life around.
I prayed again, very passionately, asking for guidance. I felt in my heart that this was going to be a defining moment in this year long escapade and perhaps I'd finally be getting what I wanted: a new and improved, godly, Ryan*. I asked God to show me once and for all His will on this subject...to send me some sort of sign. And boy did I get it. I was reading something he had posted online, a song he wrote I guess, and it was basically a diss to his ex girlfriend about her leaving him and how he would give her another chance or else he was moving on. I was so angry! I had been a little toy in his scheme basically. My eyes were instantly opened. I had been forgiving these instances over and over because we had been such great friends in the past and I knew he had issues only God had the power to fix. I thought God was keeping him around for some reason, and maybe there was a purpose: to show me to let go of my own plans and let Him plan my life for me. I may have blogged about Ryan* before, but this is the first time I have felt empty of him. Rid of his pollution in my life.
The past week and a half has given me a renewed strength in my faith and a renewed power against the devil's little tricks and it was perfect timing too, seeing as I was finally able to overcome this GREAT obstacle that has been keeping me from YHVH. I asked for an intervention, and He provided it. He answered my prayer.
My Church group met yesterday too, hours after my revelation, and the military school guys came this week to visit us. Afterwards there was a rosary being held and I was about to leave when a friend of mine asked me to stay for it. I was really nervous and just seeing the guys made me feel like a fool (because of the Ryan* fiasco), but it was just the opposite. The prayer was intense and I felt so united. These were godly men, there was no temptation, no lies, judgement, or deceit. I feel so blessed once again and this time around, I will let YHVH do my planning ;)
Pax to you all!