Sunday, May 2, 2010
The past few weeks have been grueling: countless research papers, homework assignments, readings, presentations...my head's been spinning. And I've also been dealing with my personal life as well. As the work load increased severely, I noticed myself sinking into sin/away from God more and more...I guess I allowed my anxieties to rule me. But I kept my prayer life going strong, though I did not "feel" that closeness to God for some time. I cannot really even describe it, but when I was pulled out, for the billionth time, from my spiritual rut, I was so different.
I feel like I have been going through the motions most of this year, and while I learned a lot education-wise, socially, and spiritually, I was not truly living my life. This past week God has taught me so much...I've never experienced Him on such a deep level. What I realized though, was that this year I have gone through periods of struggle, and then felt this incredible sense of revelation and closeness with God that was new each time and more powerful each time. I feel as if I am truly on the right path, and I am where God wants me, and that if I stay on His path He has set for me, I will only draw nearer and nearer unto Him. The sensations I have felt and the answers I have received while in meditation the past few days have been life changing and I only have more, even greater, opportunities to know God more intimately in the future.
Each week has been so difficult since spring break and at the start of each weekend I have been in dire need of the Eucharist. Today, there were first communion recipients and I was so touched watching them in their fancy clothes receiving the Lord for the first time. It made me remember my own first communion and how it was one of the rare occasions I took the blood, because even back then, I wanted to do it "right!" These little kids inspired me today and I took the blood. As that pungent taste hit my tongue I just thanked God and as I returned to kneel in the pew, I was so overcome by His presence...knowing his body and blood were united in me. The source and summit of my faith. I prayed simply for His guidance, as he knows the worries of my heart and as I walked back to campus, I was in complete splendor. Everything around me was bringing me such joy: the warm embrace of the sun, the birds flying overhead, the sweet scent of the flowers on the walkways...God was everywhere. And I knew at that moment I was being taken care of. Through the Eucharist I am united with God and drawn so near to Him that I cannot help but surrender my entire self over to Him and His ways. And while I will stumble and forget this many times over my lifetime, each mass I can renew my walk and my state of mind through His perfect sacrifice, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Baruch HaShem, Our Lord is so Truly Good!