As much as I want to say that my love and devotion to God is 100% (or close to it!), I find myself questioning how devoted I truly am. It's easy for me to say I love Jesus and I spend most of my day in prayer with him, but really I feel like I am light years away from having a truly stable and concrete love for God.
The reason I say this is because of the topic of vocations. I have always pictured myself getting married and being a mother, as you must know because I seem to post about love and purity a lot. In the Jewish circles I dabbled in, that was the way to go for a women because in Judaism (or at least in the biblical/orthodox sense) it wasn't "good" for a women not to...her honor comes in bearing children. For Protestants it's similar depending on denomination and everything. Not that that is my reasoning for wanting this life...I just have always wanted it, this theology just backed up my plan. I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic and I just adore children, as they have always gravitated toward me (and they're just so sweet!).
But now that I have returned to my Catholic faith, and I see the need for religious vocations in our modern era I began to question my devotion. My natural instinct to even THINKING about becoming a nun is: "why would I waste my life this way? Am I even sure enough in this faith to want to give up my plan, hopes, dreams, and life to live such a lonely life?"
Now trust me, I know nuns are not wasting their lives. We need these religious men and women desperately , but so few people have the strength and trust to live a chaste life in poverty and obedience. Not to mention my family tries to rally their own little army in the quest to end celibacy of the priesthood, as they believe no healthy man would enter a life such as that. And all this piles up in my mind and I feel guilty for not even trying to consider a call to this vocation. I cannot even give it an honest try because it's so foreign to me. Living my life alone. no career. no children. and devoting myself fully to worshiping God. I cannot think of a nobler life, yet I myself do not wish to take it on. This makes me feel as if my love for God is not fully genuine....because if it was, would I even think twice about giving my life solely to Him?
I know God's plans will all come to pass, but what if I mess up and miss a turn? What if I was so busy looking for a husband (one who would never come because that was not my vocation) and missed the true purpose of my life? Or maybe just worrying about this is hindering me from trusting in God all together. I don't know! Ah, stressful. How did you know that you were not called to religious life (if you are Catholic...as I am assuming none of you are priests/nuns? lol) did you ever wonder if you were supposed to be a religious or did you just know you weren't?
Peace & Blessings always~