Sunday, May 30, 2010

True Love.

As much as I want to say that my love and devotion to God is 100% (or close to it!), I find myself questioning how devoted I truly am. It's easy for me to say I love Jesus and I spend most of my day in prayer with him, but really I feel like I am light years away from having a truly stable and concrete love for God.

The reason I say this is because of the topic of vocations. I have always pictured myself getting married and being a mother, as you must know because I seem to post about love and purity a lot. In the Jewish circles I dabbled in, that was the way to go for a women because in Judaism (or at least in the biblical/orthodox sense) it wasn't "good" for a women not to...her honor comes in bearing children. For Protestants it's similar depending on denomination and everything. Not that that is my reasoning for wanting this life...I just have always wanted it, this theology just backed up my plan. I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic and I just adore children, as they have always gravitated toward me (and they're just so sweet!).

But now that I have returned to my Catholic faith, and I see the need for religious vocations in our modern era I began to question my devotion. My natural instinct to even THINKING about becoming a nun is: "why would I waste my life this way? Am I even sure enough in this faith to want to give up my plan, hopes, dreams, and life to live such a lonely life?"

Now trust me, I know nuns are not wasting their lives. We need these religious men and women desperately , but so few people have the strength and trust to live a chaste life in poverty and obedience. Not to mention my family tries to rally their own little army in the quest to end celibacy of the priesthood, as they believe no healthy man would enter a life such as that. And all this piles up in my mind and I feel guilty for not even trying to consider a call to this vocation. I cannot even give it an honest try because it's so foreign to me. Living my life alone. no career. no children. and devoting myself fully to worshiping God. I cannot think of a nobler life, yet I myself do not wish to take it on. This makes me feel as if my love for God is not fully genuine....because if it was, would I even think twice about giving my life solely to Him?

I know God's plans will all come to pass, but what if I mess up and miss a turn? What if I was so busy looking for a husband (one who would never come because that was not my vocation) and missed the true purpose of my life? Or maybe just worrying about this is hindering me from trusting in God all together. I don't know! Ah, stressful. How did you know that you were not called to religious life (if you are Catholic...as I am assuming none of you are priests/nuns? lol) did you ever wonder if you were supposed to be a religious or did you just know you weren't?

Peace & Blessings always~

6 comments:

Deltaflute said...

To answer your question, I guess that because my father told me not to become a nun (and it says to obey your parents) and that whole "being on fire" but not exactly for Christ was why I became a mom instead. That is not to say that being a nun is still not something I won't ever consider.

I think of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton. She was a mother first and then a nun. It could happen.

R.A.~ said...

yeah, Saint Bridget of Sweden comes to mind as well, and when I was reading up on her that was the only appealing religious vocation route in my mind.

I'll definitely have to see how my life plays out and everything, but I feel like my spirit isn't...calm?...enough to be a nun at this stage in my life...maybe with time.

caraboska said...

I'm not even Catholic, but I have wondered for many years whether I am called to be celibate. There is such a concept in Protestantism, and I mean, you can find the Scriptural underpinnings for it in I Corinthians 7. Nothing about joining a religious order there.

Indeed, when I was at university, there was a not inconsiderable number of people who were quite publicly assuming that for the foreseeable future their calling was to be celibate. Oddly, all were male (hence the little nickname given to their crowd "Bachelors to the Rapture"), and every single one did finally get married (I think one was over 50 when it happened, but nonetheless...).

Now, while I am female and never made any public declarations concerning celibacy, the fact remains that I may be the only one from the old crowd who are still never-married. Wait, there is one more that I can think of. And we're both over 40.

It hasn't always been easy. I did a post on my blog recently about the practicalities of how to make it work. I really believe, speaking from experience, that we really do need to wait until the fire subsides before we even think of getting married - lest we end up getting married for the wrong reasons.

I mean, I really seriously would question whether such a marriage would even be valid in God's eyes. Because either God (and only God) joins us together, or He doesn't. And if what is joining us together is 'the fire'... Let's say that if I get hitched, I want to be sure it is only God and not the fire. Because I don't want to engage in legalized fornication - I want my marriage to be valid.

Lucy said...

I would love the life of a nun but alas! I am not Catholic.

Lucy said...

I'll definitely have to see how my life plays out and everything, but I feel like my spirit isn't...calm?...enough to be a nun at this stage in my life...maybe with time.

R.A. nuns actually recommend that those interested go to uni first and then see if they are for the job.

SuzanneDeAZ said...

I dedicated my life to Christ at the age of 16 and married at 36. I did not engage in fornication during my adult years. I was content being single as I am now content being married.

Growing up all I did see myself as being married with children. Marriage came late in life and we never had children of our own but was blessed to adopt our one and only daughter who now is 19.

I spent most of my life as a teacher teaching 3 years in Christian schools, 20 in public and 7 homeschooling my daughter and nieces. I spent more of my life being an aunt and now a great aunt. I think being married at an older age and raising only one child gave me a lot of time to give over to God and to be used to bless many children.