Friday, May 14, 2010
So this year is finally coming to an end, and as I was reflecting on my experiences these past two semesters, I realized how much I've grown and how much I still need to work on. One thing in particular that I am sorely in need of changing is my attitude toward people I don't get along with.
My room mate is the best example of this weakness of mine. She is literally the only person on the entire campus who can anger me by simply walking into the room. I think my "beef" with her comes from the agonizing months of living together. We're the exact opposite of each other: I get up early, do my work during the day, go to bed at a decent hour. She doesn't get up til past noon, plays all day, starts her work when I want to sleep, and goes to bed in the morning. We're started to annoy each other really fast with our conflicting schedules, and to top it off, she was the one who kept fighting my faith, telling my I'm too devoted to God, that I was closed minded for not partying, and that I was uptight because I didn't laugh when she and her friend burned the pages of the bible.
Just posting about her angers me, and I cannot express how excited I am for leaving next week and never having to live with her, or hang out with her, again. But that simultaneously upsets me because that is NOT what Jesus would expect of me. This girl has many problems (medical & emotional) as well, that I tried to be sympathetic towards and help her with, but she's some who doesn't want to change, even if her actions have deadly consequences. So I found myself giving up. Giving up on supporting her, listening to her, being patient with her, being kind to her. I just shut down completely because she was only bringing me down spiritually and emotionally and I felt entitled to some sort of happiness in my life...a happiness she was sucking from me at an alarming rate.
And now that I am at my final days on campus, I am reminded that I kind of failed her. I failed to show her Christ's love at any given moment...I failed the commandment to love thy neighbor. But while I am sad I wasn't strong enough to love & forgive her (forgive her for every new blow she sent my way) I am also angry that she didn't even try to respect my faith, my lifestyle, and my personality. I was not who she wanted me to be obviously and she made that clear throughout the year with her comments and actions. So do I have a right to be angry? How is a Christian supposed to love someone they cannot even bear to like? Do we become doormats when we are always forgiving and always re-accepting those who have no intention of changing their ways?
I am just really confused...while I have tiffs with others, I always find it easy to forgive and move on. I have in fact been called a doormat by the people I forgive...they tell me how passive I am and how I just let them & others "get away" with stuff...so they feel comfortable "messing up" around me because they know I'll forgive them in the end. Is this what Christ wanted from us? I find it almost degrading that that is how I have been come to be viewed by some people.
And then to top it off, God finally sends me someone I simply cannot bring myself to reconcile with...I truly have no desire to be close to this girl and I cannot even feel a speck of love in my heart for her. The thing is, I don't know what I am supposed to do in this situation...I'm sure God's trying to get my to learn something through her, but I don't know how to overcome this obstacle, the Christian way.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What's your view on this issue? How do you deal/solve this problem?
Thank you & blessings always,