Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 2:7
This scripture means a lot to me, as do the others that warn against giving away your heart too soon. It's so easy for me to romanticize this idea that I can hold my heart, body, and soul for that one man God has "planned" for me. What does one do when guarding the heart comes too late in life?
As many of you know, I am pretty young. Just a college student. But there was a time when I was not a Christian/Catholic/God believing person at all. And I met someone and had deep true feelings for him. I cannot express to you the anguish this has caused me over the past 5 years. The relationship was not built upon God, there was not foundation and nothing holy about us. We never even really "dated" because he was so wrapped up in sin. I have spoken about him before (maybe a few times) and he keeps coming back to haunt me. The pain and heartache I feel is very real and very physical and I don't know how to leave it behind me. The sins I committed in my past...I feel like...were never forgiven. If they had been, I wouldn't be here with a broken heart...one that seems like it can never be whole again.Why can't I be freed from this prison if God wants me to be pure for Him and my future husband?
When I was first coming around to Christianity again, I asked God to send me a sign, like in Genesis when Eliezer asks God to reveal the right woman for Isaac by offering him and his camels water. I asked God to change this boy's heart (as we had been fighting & were not talking for weeks) and call me IF, *and only if*, he wanted him in my life for a reason, if he was my "one". And it happened. Out of no where, he contacted me. I was confused because this coincidence made no rational sense aside from the fact that I had asked God for this, if it was His will. How could this be His will if this boy was not even a Christian? All I knew was I loved him even though everything about him was WRONG.
Come college, this boy and I had not talked for months and he calls asking for another chance. I had been the perfect one he wanted all alone, he would change for me, he wanted to go to church, etc. I believe I even blogged about it and how I was OVER him & his "chances" and his lies. I thought and honestly believed God had healed my heart, but the pain hit me like a load of bricks again today completely unprovoked. If this is a demonic thing...a temptation I need to overcome to become pure, I feel it is incredibly unfair. I become so drained and physically rundown when this happens. I lost control over my heart before I found Christ...and now I feel like I have lost it forever.
If this is a test, I really cannot bear it. I can't handle this burden alone, I need God, and time and time again I have asked Him to take the reigns in this area of my life, I am too weak! But where is He? Did my past mistakes really doom my future of purity and happiness?