Monday, January 25, 2010

Do Not Awaken Love Before Its Time

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 2:7

This scripture means a lot to me, as do the others that warn against giving away your heart too soon. It's so easy for me to romanticize this idea that I can hold my heart, body, and soul for that one man God has "planned" for me. What does one do when guarding the heart comes too late in life?

As many of you know, I am pretty young. Just a college student. But there was a time when I was not a Christian/Catholic/God believing person at all. And I met someone and had deep true feelings for him. I cannot express to you the anguish this has caused me over the past 5 years. The relationship was not built upon God, there was not foundation and nothing holy about us. We never even really "dated" because he was so wrapped up in sin. I have spoken about him before (maybe a few times) and he keeps coming back to haunt me. The pain and heartache I feel is very real and very physical and I don't know how to leave it behind me. The sins I committed in my past...I feel like...were never forgiven. If they had been, I wouldn't be here with a broken that seems like it can never be whole again.Why can't I be freed from this prison if God wants me to be pure for Him and my future husband?

When I was first coming around to Christianity again, I asked God to send me a sign, like in Genesis when Eliezer asks God to reveal the right woman for Isaac by offering him and his camels water. I asked God to change this boy's heart (as we had been fighting & were not talking for weeks) and call me IF, *and only if*, he wanted him in my life for a reason, if he was my "one". And it happened. Out of no where, he contacted me. I was confused because this coincidence made no rational sense aside from the fact that I had asked God for this, if it was His will. How could this be His will if this boy was not even a Christian? All I knew was I loved him even though everything about him was WRONG.

Come college, this boy and I had not talked for months and he calls asking for another chance. I had been the perfect one he wanted all alone, he would change for me, he wanted to go to church, etc. I believe I even blogged about it and how I was OVER him & his "chances" and his lies. I thought and honestly believed God had healed my heart, but the pain hit me like a load of bricks again today completely unprovoked. If this is a demonic thing...a temptation I need to overcome to become pure, I feel it is incredibly unfair. I become so drained and physically rundown when this happens. I lost control over my heart before I found Christ...and now I feel like I have lost it forever.

If this is a test, I really cannot bear it. I can't handle this burden alone, I need God, and time and time again I have asked Him to take the reigns in this area of my life, I am too weak! But where is He? Did my past mistakes really doom my future of purity and happiness?


deltaflute said...

You're in your first year of college right? So you must be about 18 or 19 or so right?

You have a long road ahead of you and a lot of heart ache. Sorry. Seems to be when you least are looking for love; it finds you. Take it from one who's talking to you like I would talk to my ten year younger self.

There's a lot of difference between strong infatuation and love. I like a line from the original movie "Yours, Mine, and Ours." The captain's wife is going into labor and one of the children is talking to him about love. Basically he tells the child, that this is what real love is. It isn't fun and pretty; it's labor.

Marriage is really hard. People tell you that all the time, but it's worse than what you think. Infatuation is easy, but that doesn't mean it leaves you feeling upset or hurt. The biggest difference is that with infatuation once the person doesn't like you anymore (or you him) that's it. You break up with them and you think about the "what ifs." With love, you always have those moments where you don't like the person, but you still care about them. I guess it's a bit like a sibling. Oh, sure that took your stuff without asking and it makes you mad and you don't like that about them, but if they got hurt, you'd be pretty upset.

Okay. My point: I had this rule when I was dating "I never went out with the same person twice. If I broke up with them it was for good. If they broke up with me, then they weren't seriously committed to trying to make things work and they most likely won't be especially if it hasn't been that long since the break up" In other words, whoever broke up with whom had a good reason for it and even if they didn't they didn't try to make it work.

Marriage is work. Love is work. You can't bail out at the first sign of trouble and you really have to know the person you're going to be with.

My dad also said "don't put on blinders. If something bothers you about that person now, it will only be 10xs worse when you're married to them." and he's totally right. My friend married a guy who didn't want kids. She's now married to a different guy and they have two children. It makes a difference.

So if this guy really is making you wonder, than don't let him persuade you to go out with him again. It's not worth it. It hurts. It gives you panic attacks and makes you cry and you can't focus or breath. But trust me, in the end, when the right person comes along (and there are a ton of "right" people out there not just one but that's a whole other thing) it will work.

There are too many good "fish in the sea." You just have to get out in the world. College is too small a microcosm to say that you can't find the right guy. My parent's met at work. I met my husband in grad school. Trust me. Don't plan on being married right out of college. Enjoy the time you have in college to spend with yourself and God.

caraboska said...

Either Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross is sufficient for our redemption, or it isn't. I made some mistakes when I was your age. Nowadays, there are some things that in an ideal world, I would not know. But my attitude is 'OK, they happened, if they can benefit anyone, I will see to it that that happens.' I would say that when doubts appear, probably the best thing to do is take that distance afforded by redemption, and treat them as a signal to do more prayer and study and reflection to take purity to the next level, NOW, without reference to the past, and above all, focus on being closer to God. In other words, ask the question, 'What can I do to take purity to the next level NOW?' and 'What can I do to grow closer to God NOW?'

So much in life boils down to the quality of the questions we are asking ourselves. The aim is to have the underlying assumptions of our questions reflect the truth of the Gospel - so, for example, the fact of Jesus' redemptive work on the Cross. The fact that God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

R.A.~ said...

thank you both for your words of wisdom, it honestly did ease a bit of my worries

peace & blessings

Anonymous said...

Try watching Paul Washer on dating. Its on youtube and its divided into 3 sections. It may not help your situation now but it will help with your future relationships.

Derrickmv said...

I got to this blog post through Google while searching the "Do Not Awaken Love..." verse just because i felt like i should. It's one of my favorites and I have to say that your post was inspiring. I can tell just from reading that you really have a heart for God and you're young... just as i am. A young guy in college.

We're gonna go through a bunch of crap but these things don't match up to the blessings God has for us :]
Take care and God Bless you always.

Barbara Zimmermann said...

Hey girly, If you're looking for God's will on this, you need to go to His Word and see what he says about it. :) Read 2 Corinthians 6:14 If God says that we shouldn't be unequally yoked with someone who isn't saved, then shouldn't that be the basis of your deciscion?

Carmen Montanez said...

Agreed with Barbara on not being unequally yoked. Also, his coming back is and will be a temptation until you move on. God has forgiven you already but you don't seem to want to believe it. Have you considered spiritual direction on this issue? The Sacrament of Reconciliation is also there for that. It seems that there are emotional hurdles you need to overcome and areas where you need to open up to receive healing. It is not possible to do this alone or through a blog.