As you may have told by my posts, I have been being spiritually challenged lately. I've had a lot of anger, frustration, and extreme sadness building up over this past week and it has made me feel incredibly helpless. I really do not wish to bring anyone down, but from the bad comes the good. And this has been the way in which God has been teaching me to be the woman He wants me to be.
It started early this week when my mom's coworker took her own life. I didn't know her personally, but my mom seemed quite grieved by the loss. When I thought of the woman's family...her young daughters...my heart wrenched. How could anyone take their own lives? Especially when you have people who love and depend on you. I think I was worked up so much because I wondered 'what if that was me?'. If I lost my mom at all, especially in that manner, I don't know what I would do. I would be driven crazy by a broken heart. Then I wondered what happened to her soul. Life is not ours to take...
I didn't want to harbor on death so I tried to push it out of my mind. Until yesterday. My room mate has struggled with many temptations all her life (S, D & D). We got in a mini "fight" about something I believed could be immensely detrimental to her health and she confided in my a secret she has not told anyone else. As she let out this secret, I just started crying. I knew there was something going on, but I never wanted to hear a confirmation. I look at her and I see a body & soul racked with pain, confusion, hopelessness...it tears me to pieces I cannot even explain. I feel like I am watching her deteriorate before my eyes and I don't know how to help her besides prayer. At that moment, I felt God's purpose for me here. I knew our placements were not a coincidence. If anyone here has the power to reject the sin on this campus it's me, but has encouragement come too late for her? I don't know if she wants to change, at least not yet, even though she knows the fate she is facing. I've taken her to church and group meetings with me, but she feels like God has turned on her. She feels such shame and isn't ready in her heart to repent yet, so she's essentially given up on God until she is "older".
I feel such pain for her, but I don't know how to help. Do I just keep living my life the Catholic way and hope she can find strength in my example? I can't force her to change her ways. She's hit rock bottom and still won't surrender. This is a lot for me to handle...I almost feel responsible for her.
And to top it off, I recieved an email that a young lady I know from a camp I volunteer at is possibly facing the end as well. She has a month of painful treatments and then...that's it...it's up to God. She's had special needs all her life and has had to compromise on so much in life...on things we take for granted. And now God might take her away completely?
I sit here, so incredibly blessed, while others are haunted by demons, disease, self destruction...and I feel helpless. Helpless over my own life, which I know is all in God's hands, but also over the lives of loved ones. Through all of this I have learned to simply love and appreciate every moment. I just fell on my knees, crying out in thanks for all I have. I don't deserve any of it, yet He blesses me each and every day. The only thing He asks, and the only thing I can give Him, is my love and my life. Love is easy to give, but I don't know how to give Him my life & service. I see the lost sheep all around me, I see hurt and weakness, but I am dumbfounded as to how to help them. How can I get through to them before it becomes too late?
Pray that He sends me guidance or answers...or at least comfort during this trying period. I know through the pain will come the strength. I know He has plans for me and lessons I need to learn. It's time to grow up.
May the Lord bless you all this weekend & keep you safe.