I have been thinking about my spiritual walk lately. (as I have been for weeks now) Today I was watching Kimdonesia's channel and thevintagegoth on youtube.com and I realized I see a lot of myself in their struggles. Kim was always a very passionate religious girl...we got in a fight over facebook once about the Jews and she also answered a youtube pm from me warning me about hell and how I could get to jannah. I thought she was a crazy fundamentalist at the time, but if you simply switch religions...I see myself. I get angry with myself if I don't cover my head, I've been focusing on modesty too extremely (sleeve length, skirts only, pants, pant length, swimsuits), I try so hard to study the Catholic feast days and rememorize the mass, the prayers, the gestures etc, and I have caught myself avoiding some people due to their flaws & sins rather than reaching out to them and providing support and simple love.
Erin, thevingtagegoth, asked a question about the legitimacy of the Qu'ran on her channel and a woman named Brekketechie posted a Christian response. She was so articulate in her expression of beliefs and the message of Christ. She said she believed the Bible itself, while the word of God, is flawed because imperfect creatures were the ones to physically record a perfect message. At first I was a little disgusted by this...how could she think the Bible is flawed? But then I recalled myself questioning it's perfect status when I read certain scriptures.
I have been so angry with myself for so many weeks now because of my little doubts, questions, and struggles that have surfaced. I thought I was so alienated from God for He knows what has been going on in my head. I cannot hide my thoughts and that even further upset me and I fell into a bit of a depression. I wanted to work my issues out in privacy, away from God's presence and then come back when I was "fixed". Brekketechie made the point in her video that it should be ok to have these down periods in one's spiritual walk (without feeling shame!) & that we're supposed to grow with God, he'll use these moments to teach us and guide us. I felt like she had been talking directly to me, it was phenomenal how applicable it was to my situation.
So I'm going to start this new year with this outlook. I want to stop trying to learn the ways of the RCC for now (and any other dogmas mj protestant or catholic.), stop covering, stop swearing, and stop separating the religious from the non. I will be wearing modest clothes w/o obsessing over inches and style, and focusing my attention on God's love and putting it into practice in my life. Yeshua commanded us to love and even stated that all the laws hung on this one. Such a little request proves to be my greatest challenge each and every day. How can I love someone who yells at me? mocks me? sins in every way possible? I need to keep in mind that it is NOT my position to judge their sins, God will hold us all accountable. I don't need to teach my room mates or friends ANYTHING, God will. So when I remove the need to control sin around me and forgive with an open heart, love will come naturally. And when others see my loving attitude and behavior, they will see God and it will bring glory to Him. This will hopefully be a period of just me and God. I don't need all the answers yet...he'll get me there in His timing. I trust this journey I am on, and you should too because YHVH the One True God is leading the way.
We Can Not Fail With Him Guiding Our Steps.
I also want to make a shout out to all my faithful readers. You guys have provided me with your words of wisdom, support, and kind words. I am so blessed and I want to let you know how thankful I am that you take time to read & post here. You make this blog worth it all!
Peace to all, may the Lord teach you and bless you this year!